Ace wrote this on his blog, it’s so sweet to me and makes me love him MORE!
Archive for the 'personal' Category
16
Jul
emo husband?
Ever had one of those days you feel too sick you wanna stay in bed and not to go to work?
This morning was surely one of those times. I woke up with a terrible stomachache, one of those you wanna curl to a ball and stay like that forever so it just fades away. Ace calls it pms cos I really have this bad mood and enjoy shouting at everyone as if it distracts me for a while. Usually I take some pills, eat a bit, rest and it gets better but this morning it just kept bugging me and there was nobody else I could kick outta bed to get me some water and pay a little attention to me so i just hugged his pillow and stayed in bed to fight the voices telling me to call him and wake him up. This would be very unfair cos I knew he was exhausted and he needed his sleep besides what could he do than telling me to move my lazy ass and do something.
I managed to sleep a bit more and when i got up it was pretty late i had no time for breakfast and shower and all i could do was getting dressed and leaving a note for Z to make a breakfast and makes sure baby girl eats it.
Luckily the day started with a meeting and I had no time to think of any pain so it had no other choice than fading away. Unfortunately 2 hours later I was struggling not to vomit on my desk, I was feeling all sick and the only thing I could thought of was the other times I was sick and Ace told me about pregnancy. I felt so fucked up without him.
By 10.30 I had emptied the contents of my stomach twice and I was ready to go home cos I wasnt really helping anyone so i decided to go home.
As I walked down the street I saw a little naughty girl running to the street. “what an irresponsible parents she has!” I told myself, trying to focus on my steps and not think about the other feelings i had, i just wanted to get in bed and die.
i was trying to walk with my top speed that was something like a running ant and it seemed there was no end to the street, i saw the little girl once again, she stood in the middle of the street and waved at me.
“WTF! these kids are so kind to strangers!” i thought, then it hit me on the head, there was no other little girl living on the street than my own baby girl.
I dunno how, probably i flew, i just grabbed her and didnt put her down until we were safe inside, for a while there was no vomiting feeling, just the gut wrenching feeling you get when you are sick worried.
Apparently she was more terrified than me, i know it’s a dead-end and nobody usually comes but it’s summer and who knows, what if some stupid teens wanted to make a quick turn using this street.
it took me a while to come back to my senses and let go of the crying baby girl, foolishly i was crying too not knowing what crossed my twisted brain.
it never happened before cos sis-in-law always takes great care and who was in charge this time? my stupid irresponsible brother and where the hell was he?
I started calling him loud and came no answer so without knocking i went to the guest room, a quick look and i didn’t need more than a few seconds to swallow the whole story, i shouted his name and he turned around to see his angry brother, then i pushed baby girl out of the room being pretty sure she didnt see anything.
i made some coffee and gave baby girl a carrot to eat and later play with. she likes chewing the carrots and placing some pieces on her little plates serving to her toys as lunch, it’s a bit of cleaning later for me but at least it keeps her busy and it’s good for her health.
it took Z a lot longer than i thought to join me in the kitchen, so i had enough time to think and feel sick.
“coffee?” I asked
-”yes….. please.” he said as he sat next to me
“i just asked you one thing, one single thing and you got busy ogling naked guys and beating off your meat and forgot your niece. what if something happened to her? it’s a pretty safe place but doesn’t mean it’s safe enough to let a 3 yr old girl play in the street? what went on your stupid mind? do you think it was a joke? ha ha i’m laughing. what if i didnt come home?….” i went on and on for a while. i know i can be such a jerk and keep saying the same thing over and over again but i’m a dad and i do love my baby girl and i can never forgive myself if a little thing happens to her.
Z tried some lame excuses like she was playing in the yard and things like that. i think i could forgive him if he was sleeping or chatting with his friends but what he was doing was too much, what if she walked in and saw her uncle? he thinks he can explain things to babies the way he explains things to me.
he simply thinks life is just a silly game that he can change the rules the way he likes, i’m just sick of him and ridiculously there was no sign of my nausea. I was just thankful to it if it was just a reason to make me go back home.
I don’t want to be the good older brother, i want to be mean and ask Z to leave but well i let him stay till Ace is back. I’m tired of his childishness , i hate his attitude of thinking being gay is cool, i hate him for still acting like a teenage boy finding everything funny and arousing, even a worm’s genitalia. I simply hate him being here and giving my other brother to call me everyday and call me names. I didn’t ask Z to come here, I didn’t ask him to stay, I didnt ask him to break up with his gf, i didn’t ask him to be gay and i don’t want him to think i’m cool or my husband is cool or my life is cool; no it’s not. i’m an ordinary man with an ordinary husband living my ordinary life and it’s so boring, i live in a loop that bores everyone to death.
I’m not homophobic, nor i think there’s anything wrong with having gay brother or gay kids. i really dont care if in 13-15years time baby girl introduces me to her gf, i dont care cos it’s not my fucking business to choose her partner. the same is true about my brother, i would never go out and look for a mr. perfect to fulfill all his needs, at most i will warn him if he hangs out with the wrong guys. i will make sure he knows what being gay means. it’s not some kinda game to walk around and tell people you are gay, it’s not anything cool, being straight is not cool either. actually life is never cool.
i want Z to know what he is doing by choosing not a very common way of living, homosexuality is not all about sex, sex is an hour in a day, what about the rest? sex wont give you a place to live or something to eat! sex won’t give you money! not everyone likes homosexuals as much as not everyone likes africans, asians…
there is nothing romantic when you have nowhere to live, nothing to eat,…., yes you can still find a place to fuck and get various kinds of STDs, but who wants this for his/her family? I dont want this to happen to my enemy let alone someone i love.
i really want to help Z but i don’t know how. he claims he knows lots of things about same-sex relationships and now i’m sure he doesn’t. i’m just tired and sick of his gayness right now but i have to think of a solution asap.
Note: Check this part first and the labels before reading, it’s not meant to fulfill a fantasy and actually it’s me dealing with my life as innocent as possible.
The curtains were down and the room was lit with some of Ace’s favorite candles and in the middle of the room my shameless brother was trying to polish his toenails.
“You just have pink and black? they don’t match too well.”
I stared at my own brother voiceless with my jaws dropped open while Ace was still struggling to stand on his own feet and close his zip I undid earlier. Gosh this guy has peeped into the most private parts of my house and was still giving me that innocent look I guess sometimes I have too. I blinked a few times and re-started my brain before saying anything, actually I opened my mouth but nothing came out cos I wasn’t sure I wanted to say obscenities (that is pretty useless with those words being mostly related to the family and whatever I said would for sure insult my own family!) or I wanted to ignore him. At last I managed to call Z’s full name and tell him to get out at once. He gave me an unpleasant look before mentioning I had a gorgeous husband and I looked sexier when angry.
I blew the candles to save the remaining parts, noticing some of ‘em were the ones that meant something to Ace cos as long as I knew him they were somewhere near him.
“I’m so sorry.” Just thinking about what my brother did and the possibility of damaging some of Ace’s precious memorials, I was sure just a simple apology wont be enough.
“Easy, love. They were just candles, made to be burned.” he ran his fingers through the curves of my hair before embracing me tight. Little drops of tears glued our faces as I tried to kiss him. W spent the next 5 to 10 minutes doing nothing than sitting on the bed and holding hands, each thinking of a very different thing.
“Fine?” he asked at last. “Yes, you?” I asked staring at his blue eyes that looked grayer than ever.
“I think you dont have to ask him anymore, so give him time to come out on his own terms.” He smiled sweetly reminding me of the coming days I’d miss him.
“Judging him at the first fright? not really like you. Honestly I can give him time to pack and get outta my house, this kid is crossing all the lines. Everyone knows every couple has their own private things, why should we be any different?” I felt hot with anger, I did try to respect those lines at least though I usually cross ‘em without noticing, there is a huge difference between doing something intentionally and unintentionally.
“Shush, throw him outta your part of house, this house is mine too and I want my brother-in-law to stay. Don’t act like K, you weren’t Mr. perfect when you were his age.” he paused to pull me closer, his lips almost touching mine. “You are perfect now.”
It was one of those passionate kisses without any tongue fight when you dont wanna let go till you’re outta breath.
I took a deep breath before welcoming the intruder, I knew he’d been standing there for a while just looking at his brother but I’m not the kinda guy to stop such kisses cos someone is watching us, I don’t even do it cos of baby girl and that’s the reason sister-in-law taught her the word “gay” that she uses too random some people thought/think she had a very homophobic dad and I even got a few lectures on homosexuality and its nature. Am I really homophobic?
“Come here Z, we gotta talk.” I patted a place on the bed, showing him where to sit.
“Sorry.” was all he said as he managed to sit right between me and Ace like baby girl who always wants a middle ground when she joins her daddies for a night.
Me and Ace moved a bit to give him more space, I really didn’t want to sandwich my own brother.
I opened my mouth a few times to ask him the question then I thought I might freak him out, I really had no experience asking my brother if he was gay. I had asked a few guys about their sexuality but that was for other purposes. For the first time I was hell mad at myself for never trying to know my little bro. if we were closer, he would have told me right? How was he supposed to come out to his brother if he were gay? I simply asked my granny to out me to my family and I don’t remember how I came out to her, it was like she knew it. This was different. What if he was just curious, com’on lots of straight guys color their hair and nails and lots of gays don’t like it.
“So what’s up Z?” I heard Ace coming to rescue me.
I felt Z curved to a ball and whimpered a few times as he tried to grab my hand with no success so I moved my hand closer and held his right hand as Ace went for his other hand. I even felt Ace’s other hand brushed against the hand I put behind Z.
“I think I might be …” Z bit his lip and swallowed some air loudly.
“You might be what?” I shouted at him or at least it was too loud for a simple chat and I felt Ace’s nails dug into my free hand so I repeated my question with the nicest tone I had right then.
“I might be like you.” Z said and ran out of the room. I think I looked as shocked as Ace that means we both looked too silly and too funny. I was waiting for that answer and I was still shocked. So was he out now? he didn’t even say the word. “Like you” Ace pointed his finger at me and burst in laughter.
“What’s funny ugly boy?” I managed to ask after laughing a while myself. I think it’s another kind of reaction when you are shocked.
“Nothing, nothing really. Now we gotta find him a husband.”
-”Jerkass, he said he might, that means nothing. Let’s go and talk to him, I bet it took him all the guts he had to say so.”
I ran downstairs followed by Ace and stood behind Z’s door so Ace knocked.
“Yes?” Came a hoarse voice.
“We want to come in.” I said as I tried the doorknob, it was locked.
“Wait, I’m coming.” Z said and in a seconds we heard the door unlocked.
I think it runs in the family, we all look like total mess and hell funny when we’re mentally fucked. I tried not to laugh but I saw Ace’s lips curve to a smile before he succeeded to turn it to some concerned looks.
” Let’s be honest Z. Is your gf still a virgin?” I needed to know everything and I usually ask things straight.
Z blushed obviously ” I think so, we broke up.” I was concerned about my brother but that girl was very special. Her dad was really worried about the guy his daughter chose as boyfriend and he didn’t let Z get too close to her before her 18th birthday. Heaven knows how many times I talked to him just to convince him my brother meant her no harm and he didn’t need to protect his daughter this much. At least I knew they didn’t have sex and his father wouldnt come to haunt me if my brother is a queer.
“You’re not gonna tell K,right? I wanna stay here, I will work and pay you. please let me stay.” I could see the terrified look in his eyes.
“Don’t worry for now, your secret is safe as long as you ask but K is your brother too and he’s not as bad as you think, he just wants to protect you, alright?” I wasnt much sure about what I was saying, K did care but he proved me at times that he was no fan of same-sex relationships.
“For the staying part…” I put my arm round Ace and pulled him close “I have no objection but it’s not all my house so you need his permission too.”
“It’s fine by me as long as you behave.” Ace said sweetly and well I already knew the answer but I had to show Z how things worked.
“One more thing”
“what?”
” You cant stay here for too long cos you have to go back to school and this town is not that gay-friendly and not really good for a young guy like you, the winters are long and you cant do much, you’ll be bored soon and you cant count on the flights to runaway when it starts snowing.”
“Ok.” Z smiled shyly and that was the boy I knew, so much like the little annoying brother except this guy was a man now.
I stepped out and pulled Ace with me.
“we have business to take care of so don’t bug us for at least an hour, then we can talk if you like.” I wanted to be there for him but he didn’t look like willing enough to talk besides he had asked some of the questions and he could find some answers on the internet, Ace was going away and I needed to refresh a few things before he was gone.
“Wait.” Ace stopped me in the middle.
“Sorry to ask this cos it’s your brother’s job and he didn’t ask. Ever been with a guy?” apparently Ace wanted to ask like the nosy brother.
“Not more than flirting.” Z was an obvious red. Silly this guy was so shameless to look inside everywhere and now he was blushing at a simple question.
“we can take care of our business later, I’m gonna make some coffee so we can talk a bit.” Ace said as he left for the kitchen.
“Hey I don’t want coffee, I want tea.” I ran after him cos I didn’t want to be left with my gay brother.
*****
It’s almost a day now since he almost came out and I’m happy he chose me and happier he is in a good place and he has enough time to clear his mind, understand himself, love himself and become ready to look for his guy. Yet I’m not happy he finds it hot whenever me and Ace do things (simply touch and kiss, nothing more, what have you thought?).
I can feel happy for a while, not because he is gay, just because he was brave enough to let go of his girlfriend, I know she was hurt but I’m sure she can find someone a lot better than Z, she was so dammed beautiful even a pervert homosexual like Ace notices.
I don’t wanna push him to say or do things and I want him to move with his own pace; Ace is right, he is young and still there is the possibility of being just curious or thinking it’s cool to be gay so he has a month or two to think and sort things out. At least he has me and Ace whenever he has any question and well I think it’s pretty good to have someone from your family to chat. I didn’t have that option and though m granny is really cool and understanding we are from different generations and she could never really understand me or help me when dating guys.
I dunno if I am doing the right thing or not but I want to keep his secret until he is ready. There is nothing worse than outting someone when they need time to stay in their closet a little longer.
I’m sorry if you are bored, writing things down helps me clear my mind and give things a second thought.
06
Jul
Kiss me on the lips bro
Note: Check this part first and the labels before reading, it’s not meant to fulfill a fantasy and actually it’s me dealing with my life as innocent as possible.
“Ace,you’ve been such a bad boy and I have to punish you. now open your mouth and take the whole sausage or I will be very mad.” I ordered Ace as he opened his mouth.
Baby girl was sitting in my lap and giggling at Ace while he struggled to swallow the sausage I just fed him, I could laugh at him too but there was lots of items on baby girl’s plate that I had to feed her so with the same tone I asked her to open her mouth and let the fork land there. She chewed a few times before swallowing the green beans.
“Open again, it’s an emergency flight” I begged her cos the carrots were almost falling.
She kept her mouth shut and the carrots fell on her skirt. I bit my lip to avoid saying shit. While I was busy cleaning the mess she opened her mouth to tell me she wouldn’t let another plane unless Ace open his big (hungry) mouth again. Holy fuck, Ace had finished his own plate and was invading mine and I had to feed him while I was starving myself, no way, even slaves had better lives.
“Listen baby girl, you’re gonna finish your dinner or you cant play with pinkie” she puffed and panted and sighed as I put her on Ace’s lap to do the hard work while I could eat something.
“Want me to feed you.” Ace said with a smirk and I had to mouth “shut up bitch”before filling my mouth with the leftovers.
“Hey Nate you can have mine, I’m not hungry and I wanna take a bath.” Z shouted entering the bathroom. At least I wasnt starving tonight.
Five minutes later and Z was back in the room. “What’s in that locked wardrobe?” shamelessly he had looked inside almost everywhere except our bedroom.
“Come closer, I’ll tell you.” he put his ear near my mouth.
Baby girl shouted :” I want whisper”, I smiled foolishly at Ace who was staring with his big eyes, “Ok I’ll whisper something in your ear too” baby girl agreed and went on putting the carrots in Ace’s mouth.
“We keep our toys and porns there” I whispered in Z’s ear, the pushed him to a side to whisper something in baby girl’s ear. “we will go to park if you finish your dinner.” She smiled and stopped feeding Ace, and opened her mouth to be fed.
Z had gone to the bathroom and locked the door.
when I told Ace what I told Z he couldn’t stop laughing, the truth was since the day we moved in that closet stayed wet from some unknown water and we could never fix it so we gave up the idea of using it, locked it up and through the key away.
I took me 15 minutes to wash the dishes and get ready, meanwhile Ace and baby girl dressed and picked pinkie to come to the park, pinkie’s park actually.
Z stayed in the bathroom saying we had a very comfortable tub when Ace said we had a better one in our room and Z said he would try that later.
****
Baby girl found some friends to play with and gave us some time to chat with other parents and have some fun of our own. On the way back baby girl was so tired she fell asleep in my arms, with her eyes closed she’s an angel and I almost forget what a demon she can be with her eyes open.
We got inside using the back door cos I forgot to bring my keys and that’s the door always open, just locked when we’re outta town. Ace followed me to baby girl’s room making sure she wouldn’t wake up and I had no problem changing her clothes, I never have problem with that, I can change his clothes too while asleep.
The door of downstairs bathroom was open so probably Z was out again and I had to wait a few more hours before we could talk about what was bothering me for weeks now.
I heard Ace telling me not to worry as he nibbled at my ear. With the strange aroma in the air and his naughty hands moving over all my sensitive parts I decided to give in to his assaults and let myself have fun before the inevitable argument besides Ace was going outta town for another 4 days and this could be our last chance.
I unzipped his jeans and put my hand inside to touch his cock that belonged to me, I loved him more without the pants so there were less to struggle with.
He closed his eyes and I went on exploring his body while I was biting his nipples though I didnt like the taste of fiber on ‘em.
“Let’s go inside” he whispered trying to stop my hand before I made him blow his load right there.
“K, let me take you.” I said as I turned my back to him, giving him time to climb me, piggyback rides were the little fun we sometimes had.
I admit he’s at least 40lbs heavier than me but I’m a tough guy for short distances. I followed the strange aroma to our room with Ace on my back. we were ready to get rid of our clothes and make love as soon as we stepped inside.
“Z what the hell are you doing in our room?” I almost dropped Ace on the floor and he had to grab me hard to avoid hitting the floor. The curtains were down and the room was lit with some of Ace’s favorite candles and in the middle of the room my shameless brother was trying to polish his toenails.
“Awake baby ?” I asked shaking him a few times without thinking he might be asleep.
“Now, yes. what’s up? another mosquito fucked you?” he answered sleepily followed by a big yawn.
“Don’t give a damn shit about the mosquitoes, I just cant sleep.” I bit his shoulder to wake him up completely before he drifted into sleep.
For a few seconds he stopped moving then changed his mind and turned to face me pulling the sheet with his move leaving me cover less and exposed to the brutal mosquito attacks then grabbed me by the hair and pulled me close so he could easily whisper his words.
“stop thinking and just sleep, I’m hell tired and I have lots of things to do tomorrow if you don’t have any.” he licked the tip of my ear and sent shivers to my body, his arms wrapped around me and our legs entwined bringing him closer, close enough that I could smell his scent and look to the depth of his blue eyes shining brightly in the reflected rays of the setting sun, the beast was awake and he wouldn’t sleep till his lust was fed.
I put my lips on his swollen wet lips and surrendered to his need. He is always gentle at first, later gets lost in his lust and become the animal I love, grunting and growling and making me beg him loud, naturally I’m very loud and descriptive about the things I want making things pretty hard when we don’t want to wake the little demon cos she may see or hear things we cant explain now though it was ok when mr. lion was peeing inside ms. lion; daddies cant use the same explanation, that’s so gross.
****
An hour later he was sleeping beautifully with his legs still wrapped around my hips and his hands on my chest. I chewed my cum-flavored gum a few times before getting rid of his grip and creeping out of bed. He mumbled something seeking the missing human blanket I quickly replaced with a pillow. I stared at the clock for a while before realizing it was just 10 minutes passed midnight and I had to wait at least 5 hours to wake him up or he’d be mr. bad-tempered woken up on the wrong side.
I spent a while looking for my shorts making the mental note of not throwing clothes in random direction next time, it takes time to learn such basic things and hopefully I will learn one day before it’s too late. I opened the window to get rid of the obvious smell of sex before heading to the shower. I hate cum dried on my ass but sometimes he forgets cleaning our mess and that means the sheets must be changed the following day, yet I didn’t care there and then.
I adjusted the water and jumped in the tub making a little splashing sound that I enjoyed a lot. I knew I could stay there as long as I wanted and let the water touch my private parts and get ‘em cleaned.
Closing my eyes and thinking of the thoughts bothering me, I smiled at the idea of getting drowned in a tub, at least much better than drowning in a cup of coffee.
****
I have lived in big cities most of my life yet New York always scares me, it’s too big you can lose yourself and I hate losing myself.
I grabbed my still-very-light backpack and made my way to the crowded streets having no idea how to reach my brothers, I’m so used to the little city I live with so many people knowing you and being pretty curious to know more but in NYC you can die on the street and nobody notice you and that’s the frightening part.
****
My eyes were covered by someone’s hands and I did the most natural thing, grabbing ‘em and holding ‘em tight before turning back to see the owner of the hands.
“helllloo big brother” the owner of the hands smiled wildly showing me his strangely white teeth.
“Shit, you scared me Z” I was glad to see him there, probably he came to pick me up and his childish side got the better of him and he decided he could have some fun.
I realized I was holding his hand for too long so I let go of him. He smiled again, grabbing my backpack and trying to carry it himself.
“there’s nothing inside, let’s go I don’t have much time to spend here.” I said matter of factly.
He smiled again grabbing my hand and pulling me along with him to the parking lot. strangely he looked happy and alive, for a second I thought he might be on some kinda drugs and stopped suddenly making him almost fell backward.
“You’re not doing drugs, right?” I was obviously acting like the big brother he didn’t like.
“Nooooooo.” he frowned at me then stuck his tongue out and smiled.
Obviously he wanted to be the baby brother and I didn’t mind. we walked a good while before he stopped in front of a brand new black convertible corvette.
“Whatcha think?” he asked.
“lucky owner, but I wont waste my money on this.”
-”No? it has a V8 engine, 6.2liter. look, it’s cool.”
“Ok, it’s cool. if you want to buy me something, I’d be glad to have R8.”
-”Actually I like that too but it’s dammed expensive.” he looked sadly, playing with the car keys in his hand.
“Ain’t this little toy expensive too? let’s go, I dont have the whole day to talk about cars.”
-”Ok, hop inside.”
he flipped the door open.
“oh my is this yours?”
-”Not yet, K wanted a new car and he let me choose.” he smiled sadly.
could he look better than that? His smiles were killing me just making him cuter than ever. Last time I saw him he had his hair short now he had ‘em tied in a pony tail making me jealous of his straight hair.
Though he’s my brother, we don’t look like much and I bet it’s not the 7 years being older.
Unlike my brown wavy hair and stupid brown eyes, he has straight black hair with matching black eyes or it’s dark brown. He’s almost the same height as me but not at all skinny, even better, he surely works hard for what he has.
In contrast to my loose t-shirt and tight jeans, he was wearing something decent, a black shirt with several buttons undone revealing his hairy chest and well-cut leather pants. he looked gorgeous and there was no way we were brothers.
Was I drooling over my own brother? surely not but I couldn’t deny his natural beauty and killer smile.
He spent some time showing me round the city before he dropped me by K’s office so the older brothers could chat a bit.
Among the three of us K always looks perfect, flawless, just the typical rich guy living in NYC and enjoying the stock market. Our meeting was mostly business asking him for a few tips to save some money for rainy days. I’m so used to waiting money and it’s time to learn a few lessons cos baby girl will grow up sooner than I can imagine.
After the formal talk and trying to catch up a bit I was more than eager to leave. I know K loves me but he cant accept the things I’m doing right now. He’s trying his best but it’s hard, it’s hard to have a gay brother and worse than that welcome his husband to the family. It must be hard or that’s what he feels.
I try to understand but I cant and I cant understand why it is that hard to accept me and Ace. Probably there are things I cant see right now and I may never see cos they don’t exist.
I spent the rest of the day with Z, we had lunch together and I met some of his friends, all young guys his age that made me feel fucking old.
By the end of the day he managed to persuade me I was hell better than K and more flexible. I tried to convince him K was just protecting him and wanted him the best and sorta providing some of it while me & Ace have lots of troubles financially and we’re always struggling (the fault is mine, not Ace’s).
Unfortunately I know K a lot better than Z, to some extent I didn’t have the chance, somehow I didn’t try and I was feeling really guilty how hard he tried to communicate and make me feel at home, just like 2 inseparable brothers. The problem was that I was too busy thinking about baby girl and her time with her mom I couldn’t pay much attention to Z. worse than that later that evening K reminded me of a few facts and told me it was better to leave Z alone than just being the wrong model. I don’t know why K is acting like as if I’ve been lost in some big shit that he cant help me so he gotta focus on Z not follow the same path. I tried hard to show him Z was not a baby anymore and he pretty knew what he was doing. the thing is we both want Z to be happy and we are doing the wrong thing.
I spent a while just talking to Z before boarding the plane and I was happy we could talk and happier when he promised to pay me a visit very soon.
The image of Z I had in my mind is mostly of the annoying 7-8yr old baby brother who tried to be part of the games his older brother played, the next image belongs to the pretty short time he spent last year in Alaska with his friends, at that time me and my ex were still together and still tried to look like the perfect couple but under those lying faces we were going through the boring process of filing the divorce. so I didn’t have much energy to know Z, the next time is the thanksgiving last year that he joined the family gathering with his cute VIRGIN girlfriend and I was busy introducing my then-boyfriend to the family and sorta protecting him against negative attitudes. the latest was last February at my wedding and I was too happy and too stressed everything looks so vague.
And then I was sitting in a coffee shop at the airport talking with this gorgeous guy who held the tight bond of having the same blood and that was all. Still he tried his best to be that brother for me, telling me nice things and sooth my tarnished worried soul with his words adding the same sarcasm I have every now and then and making sure he got the answers to his questions as well. I answered those questions without thinking but later I had time to think about his questions and it hit me in the face, they looked so innocent but there were things I didn’t like to hear.
Why the fuck my straight brother asked so many questions about my private times with my hubby? Why he needed to know how things work in a gay relationship? and the questions went on.
I had a whole week to think and Ace helped me a bit so I could see why K was mad at me and was threatening me with all the possible ways not to get close to Z, not to be the bad model. I needed to drown in the tub.
“Was he gay?”
01
Jul
Thanks Ewe (personal)
Waking up this morning I wasn’t in the greatest of moods (manic it would be, right?) but at least I was happy and I felt happier seeing Ewe’s comments.
I really don’t know this guy but our meeting was one of those kind you start fighting someone without knowing them and probably you realize you were both wrong. Actually somehow I have the need to know this guy, it’s a need not lust not desire it’s my need to know more people and that’s it.
Last night I read his pretty long comment on Jay’s post and thought “WTF! this guy is not as bad as I thought and I was just letting stupid thoughts cover my own senses, shit I’m always using my heart when deciding than letting my mind do the decision.”
I made a mental note to add a “thank you” comment to Jay’s blog, I simply forgot cos I got carried away with my own thoughts worrying about things that was none of my business or it is but not as much as I think and it’s surely something I will blog about soon (I’m pretty done with half of it but I’m not in the mood to finish it.)
The thing is I have to accept a few things like
"Stop being so damn sensitive. You need to start thinking more highly of yourself. Don't let anyones comments, mine or otherwise. make your mood swing you into a spiraling depression and more importantly my comments would not effect you at all unless you believed them. So why do you believe it? I hope today is a beautiful one for you."
Ace been telling me pretty the same thing most of the night, when I was acting like a baby telling him I wanted things that I really don’t need and he was giving me numbers and very reasonable numbers for sure just to show me it would be a waste of money but he would give up if I wanted it that bad.
How silly it was when we were talking about such stupid things at 2 am in the morning.
I have to get a grip and stop running away, Ace is right I can do many things if I start believing myself. Life is like a climbing route, I’m not fucking brilliant for sure but I know I have a good style, I use my brain to choose my moves than using my strength cos I could never trust my legs, they keep disappointing me. I go smooth, move smooth doing all the right choices and then I look down and there comes the fucking thought of “I can’t do it”. And I start telling myself I cant do it till I lose my grip and fall. I don’t know what frightens me, I know it’s not the height and it’s not the fucking safety cos I’m pretty reckless, I’m afraid of failing to top the route, I’m afraid of showing what I am made of, I’m afraid of proving the things I can do and I’m afraid to use my sixth sense and been carried away.
So here I am, standing in the middle of the rock and shouting to let me descend cos I think I cant reach the top when I can and I just let myself fall and swing and swing, just making sure I will swing a few more times before hitting the ground. I’m bruised and I don’t fucking care, I just think I’m a fucking failure cos even the weakest member of the team did better than me. So I quit, I run away and hide and let the world laugh at me and I find people to tell me what a loser I am, I need you to approve me I can never do better and it’s much better to just get lost.
27 years and it’s enough, I have run so long that there is no energy left in me so I wanna stay and fight, I wanna prove I can be a lot better than you cos you are nothing, you have no right to tell me all those silly thoughts are fine and true, just shut up and let me breathe cos I don’t wanna be a fucking loony like my mom who let the world pity on her and make her feel more miserable, I don’t wanna stand still like her and put my fingers in my ears so I cant hear my problems and just drown in the never ending depression and I don’t want to run away anymore, I want to stand and fight and I will fight till I get what I deserve. I’m fucking tired of all these people and they wrong attitude, I’m hell better than all of them.
So I’m fine with what I am but not satisfied, let’s not just move on, let’s solve the problems and move on or they keep coming back in bigger dimensions.
Some genuine scientists say this summer Alaska gonna be ice-free for the first time in history and i don’t have to stick my head out of window to nod my approval when I can easily look at Ace’s sweaty shorts and bite my lips just thinking about what’s behind that piece of clothes.
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It’s been a while I wanted to write about what’s going on here but I kept telling myself why I should bore other people with my life, I gave up at last so I wanna rant and I have every right to do as I wish!
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I haven’t been fine for a while, there were always too many things to bother me and I found it really hard to get a grip and live the way I have to. At least I made some efforts to change the circumstances for instance by letting baby girl spend an entire week with her mom or giving a short visit to my brothers.
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My beloved brothers whom I do my best not to hurt and act in a way to make ‘em proud of me or the least not to embarrass them; yet K1, my older bro, always finds a way to humiliate me as if that’s become one of his favorite games.
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It still sounds silly how easy I came out to my grandma and how hard it was to make K1 come to my wedding and approve the guy I chose to share my life with.
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Can I ever get rid of his bitter looks and words? Why am I always seeking his approval?
I don’t know the answer , probably just because as kids we were close, he was the first to know about my secrets and fears, he was the supportive guy to push me through school and protect me from being bullied, yet he left me when I needed him most. It’s over now. We both moved on, found our soul-mates/lovers, made our own paradise and I think it’s time to become those inseparable brothers again. Baby girl loves her uncles so it’s worth trying.
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Yet my Mr. Perfect-brother had other plans. He’s good at blaming me on everything when other times he doesn’t hesitate to take all the responsibilities and this sounds very unfair to me.
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I never thought I could change other people’s sexuality by just being myself. I doubt anyone else can change such things when it is so natural to do certain things like you cant change the color of your eyes, well you can use lens and in the same way you can lie to yourself and others about your sexuality but you haven’t really changed anything.
But I know one thing, people change as they get older, some grow up, some just get older and sorta act more childish. And I think Ace is one of those guys who changed beautifully. 6-7 months ago he shouted at me for just trying to hold his hand in a pretty crowded mall, surely that’s the simplest way to show your feelings and that made my proud Ace violated and pissed off. 2 days ago the same guy licked my cheeks pretty in the middle of the street saying I looked cute and he couldn’t wait to get inside. I think I like the new Ace better, he’s still the same proud guy, he looks pretty the same to many people but to me he is more beautiful, more lovable and more understanding just being fine with his own feelings and showing ‘em.
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Obviously I’m getting nowhere and that’s one of the reasons I try hard not to rant cos I cant stop my thoughts switching from one thing to another, just like the times I have hell of things to say and I just keep quiet cos I cant make my mind what to say.
But I need to clear my mind so probably there are more posts to follow this one.
It’s early morning here and somewhere on this big planet my beloved partner is sleeping.
I have to mention the things happening in California, it’s all great to have another state added to the list, and I’m proud being born there. I cant wait to see the day that all 50 states are on the list of legal same-sex marriages.
Then weather here is all creepy, cloudy and rainy at times, make me miss my Ace and baby girl more and more, yet i have to enjoy my week off so me and my granny went on a date last night. If not the coolest granny in the world, she’s one of ‘em, or show me your own grandma so I can compare!
Me and my granny went to one of these fucking expensive restaurants cos she wanted me to gain some weight before sending me back to Ace (poor gran doesn’t know i can lose a pound just seeing my ex and i have to cos i want baby girl back by the end if this week) and i was supposed to behave like a gent so curly wavy sheep like me had to wear suits (stupid me left my wedding suit at my granny’s). it was hell of a fun when i called my gran, mistress. the problem was that i’m not used to so many formal things, using my hands most of the times while sitting on the kitchen table is something very accepted at home and sometimes i wonder what are forks/knives for?(I even have a towel but I barely know how to use it so most of the times i’m wet wet wet after taking shower).
back to the restaurant, once i dropped my fork, then i managed to brush a ketchup covered knife against my shirt, then made some vegetables fly from my plate to some unknown destination in the end i had a shower in red wine when i suddenly got up to answer Ace’s call. (note: the suit was white and the waiter was shocked when outta no where i jumped and people could hear “doctor who” attacking the restaurant- horrible ringing tone i guess and i gotta walk when talking on the phone).
i was a real mess when i left the restaurant cos i tried to wash a few things in the toilet and by the end of my vigorous move, i looked all sorta red, the wet shirt stuck to my body showing 2 erect nipples (not my fault, blame my dirty husband) and you can imagine that wasnt the only erect part of my body.
all i wanted to do was jumping in a cab and disappear as fast as i could, unfortunately granny had to pay the bill and she is not as fast as me.
when we reached home and i called Ace to give him the report of my first (embarrassing) date, granny made me do all my talk in the bathroom cos she wanted no stain on my sheets *~*
so i’m on the black list of another restaurant ( i was on some other blacklist cos my beloved baby girl made some big mess there!) *
That’s all for yesterday, I think I can add a few more reports while i have not much to do here back in bean town. I have no access to my erotic archive so it’s just pics for a while and I’m not gonna write anything erotic cos i’m no big fan of my own hand and im using it a lot while talking with Ace.
So check here if you like while most of the posts gonna be personal stuff, if you don’t like come next week, i’ll be home by then!
*. Most parts were taken from a mail to a friend!
Imagine a hard day beating yourself over invisible monsters inside your mind, feeling not in the mood all day, thinking there can’t be any single reason for anyone to love you cos you’re such a jerk, do a lengthy confession to your other half, torture yourself by walking long distances and not eating lunch and losing a valuable pound in half a day (many people may laugh but when you’re some skinny bitch like me even losing a pound means lots of eating involved to get it back), by the end of the day when your other half convince you he can’t be mad at you cos you really didn’t want that happen, you go to bed in peace, then some time early the next morning you open your mail seeing a new comment from a new person and then you feel hell pissed off.
Apparently to some people it’s not that obvious that I am gay and I’m very happy about it.
So after reading this comment on this post
"What kind of narrow and close-minded person would write such thing??? You obviously have no concept of the real world, obviously you grew up in Mayberry...
Wake up... gays are people too!! We, yes I said we... deserve just as much as the next. This is America, for God's sake. This country is supposed to be about freedom. It's ignorant people like you that keep setting this country back. I suggest to you to do some research and maybe you will open your small mind to something new. In closing, being gay is not an epidemic, you can't catch it. Don't worry, it won't rub off. Thanks, Rebecca Phegley Indiana"
All I can say is that she’s one lucky … that she lives too far I cant go and kick the … outta her twisted unfortunately gay mind.
I have reasons for my anger
1. she either just commented without reading the post or she couldn’t see the obvious humor/sarcasm in it.
2.she didn’t click the link on top of the post, other than that she knew I didn’t write that and where I stole it from was a good blog belonging to 2gay dads
3.she didn’t even look at the title of my blog, it’s a gay diary, not a homophobic one
4. she could have gone to the mainpage and took a quick look at previous posts or “about me” page to realize saying such things on a gay blog sounds so stupid
So thanks to Ms. ….. R.P. for ruining another day of mine. All I can say is that “please fucking die” GLBT society really doesn’t need rednecks like you. if someone is homophobic there’s no need to give them reasons to hate US, try to persuade them homosexuality is just a part of human nature and homosexuals are first humans then homosexuals.
And for conclusion I copy-paste something nice a friend told me and I’m gonna have a nice day!
“life is like when you eat, you use plate and spoon. no matter how careful or slow you eat, still you can’t avoid your spoon not to hit your plate and make a sound. life is just like that, there is always conflicted or different way to think since each person in this world have their own background, their own environment, their own DNA, and etc.
