The other…man

Ace looked at me like I was an alien when he came in from the shopping, and saw me grabbing my jacket. “Where are you going?”
I realized I hadn’t told him about the party, only that I had to cancel. “Office Party; I’d forgotten about it.” I shrugged. “Don’t have anything better to do tonight.”
The hurt look on Ace’s face confused me, but I didn’t have the time to try to figure out his mood; I was already going to be late. I laughed at the random thought that I might actually meet Ron, and I grinned. “Don’t wait up.” I was sure I’d be home by ten.
The party was, as predicted, a complete slosh fest. It was a good thing I wasn’t fond of alcohol. I ended up having to take four of my co-workers home. They lived all over town, so I didn’t make it back home until after one in the morning. I walked in to find Ace sitting in his briefs, looking bleary-eyed at the TV, with a mostly empty bottle of beer on the table. The way his head moved, I knew he was smashed.
I sighed as he looked up at me, and I took off my coat. “What’re you doing, Ace?”
He sniffed at me. “Waiting up.”
That was obvious, but what I really wanted to know was why. “Yeah, I can see that.” It didn’t look like he’d been crying, but I suspected once I’d settled down some place, I’d have a wet shoulder again. “Mind if I get out of these things?”
He shook his head, and wobbled a little, so I went back to my room to change. Formal clothes sucked; I was going to change into an old T and some sweats. If he threw up, nothing would be ruined. It took me a moment to realize that Ace was standing in the doorway, watching me as I changed.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Tell you what? That I had an office party?” I shrugged. “I told you; I forgot.”
“No.” He wobbled a little, and looked more upset. “Why didn’t you tell me Ron is here?”
I froze. I didn’t want an irrational drunk on my hands. Fuck, why hadn’t I seen that coming? I hedged. “What are you talking about, Ace? What makes you think I must tell you about who lives here and who doesn’t? Besides I didn’t know myself till this morning.”
He turned, took a couple steps to the kitchen table, “Not about everyone but him.”
“And what makes him so important?”
“Cos he kissed you.”
I was in the denial sense so I just said:”What makes you think like that?”
“This.” he opened his hand and showed me my cellphone I couldn’t find back in the afternoon.
I pulled up my sweats and walked out to take a look. On the screen was the little picture of me with Ron’s arms wrapped tightly around me and his face close enough for a kiss.
He glared angrily at me; yeah, he’d liquored up enough to unhinge the emotional doors. “I’m not stupid. You can’t find any excuse. I saw more than that picture and you were too busy you didn’t even hear me calling you when I got home.”
For me it was like a surreal nightmare. I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of someone seeing us. I was so screwed. I was looking at him in horror when he turned around.
Tears were running down his face. “You keep telling me we’re best friends, lovers, partners and hell of stupid things, and I don’t even know who you are.”
God that hurt. When Ace unhinged, his heart was on his sleeve. The pain in his voice wasn’t from what I did; it was from my hiding it from him. I couldn’t meet the hurt in his eyes, so I looked at the floor. “I’m sorry.”
He practically yelled at me. “I don’t care if you’re sorry! I want to know why!” Ace seldom got loud, even when he was drunk, and his outburst caught me off guard.
“Why what? Why I kissed him?” I was getting pissed. “I don’t know, Ace. I didn’t want to, I didn’t even know he was back. He just came outta nowhere. He kissed me, I didn’t. It meant nothing!”
He looked down. “You could have told me.”
He was such a hypocritical prick. I waved at him as my frustration built. I had no idea I’d even been frustrated until it hit me; at that point, I couldn’t stop myself. “You never tell anyone anything, Ace! Unless you’re drunk! When you do finally start talking, I can’t tell what you’re saying half the time because when you’re liquored up enough to say anything you’re slurring!” I paused to think a bit “And you promised me never ever get drunk again, didn’t you?”
He looked like he was going to spit something back at me, but I stepped in and snarled, “What would have been the point? You’d have just thought the way you like without listening to me anyway!”
He suddenly looked like he was going to be sick. I grabbed his arm and dragged him into the bathroom. He didn’t throw up, but he didn’t look all that steady. I’d had enough. He knew, so what? I couldn’t talk with him while he was shit-faced. Yanking back the shower curtain, I cranked on the cold water and hefted him in. “You want to talk? Get your white ass sober, and I’ll think about it!”
He called me everything he could think of, and a lot of things that weren’t words, as I chilled the drunk out of him. The bathroom floor and I were soaked when he finally stopped fighting me.
He was shivering and mumbling “enough” when I shut off the shower. God he looked miserable, and I felt guilty. The shower had chilled out my anger as well. I pulled him out and he kind of melted against me while he shivered. I wrapped him up in a towel, roughly dried him off, and guided him back to the couch. “I’ll make some coffee.”
Ace watched silently from the couch, in his soaked briefs and the towel, as I made a big pot and brought out the first mugs. He looked a lot more alert, and a lot sadder. We drank down our first mugs in silence. I didn’t need the coffee, I was wound up enough, but it was easier to have him mimic me than try and force him to drink alone.
“How are you feeling,” I asked. Any conversation was better than nothing.
“Like my head’s full of cotton; not drunk, but not hung yet.” He winced a little and then frowned at me. “You’re a bastard, you know that?”
I grinned. “Yeah, you said that in the shower.”
He looked back at his mug. “I’m sorry I yelled.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
He shrugged. “I didn’t want to shout at you.Just look at things from my point, you come home and find your partner nowhere than another guy’s arms”
Sighing, he lifted his mug. “Bartender, give me a double?”
I grinned. “Sure.”
He sipped the mug after I handed it back, and cradled it in his hands. He wasn’t shivering any more. “I guess I’ve been trying to get you to tell me but you found another excuse to go out on your own.”
“It wasn’t an excuse, I had to go.”
“Was he there too?”
I got up to get myself some water as I nodded at him.
The next second he was standing right behind me pressing me hard to the fridge. “So tell me what happened there?”
“Nothing.” I pushed my nails into his palms and he let me go.
Inside the fridge was my favorite chocolates waiting for me.
“Hershey’s kisses, oh my God. Where do you get it from?”
I was touched. I’d never expected him to spend time trying to find me things like chocolates. “I really love these.” I unwrapped one and put it in my mouth.
Nodding, he took another sip of his coffee. His eyes never left me. “So, are you going to tell me why?”
“Why.” I stuck my chocolate covered tongue at him.
He set down his cup and stared at me. “I’ve spent all night worrying that if you were hiding this, that maybe you were hiding other stuff too. I’m scared,Nate. You’ve always told me about the love, trust and respect we need to stay together and now I’m not sure I can trust you.”
I looked at my hands. “Do you remember all the good times we had together? All the things I told you about my past?”
He grinned. “Yeah.”
I swallowed my chocolate and tried to meet his eyes. “There’s nothing between me and him, believe me.”
“Never done anything with him?”
I opened my mouth to say “never” but I hate lying to him, I bit my lips before saying “Once gave him a handjob, that was all.”
That seemed to blind-side him. He stared at me, and I could see the “Ace security wall” come up. “How dare you?”
I stood up. “That’s why I never told you. It wasn’t that I didn’t value our friendship, Ace. You’re my best friend, my partner, my lover and I do love you. But you don’t wanna see the reality.” He continued to stare in silence. I wasn’t going to get anything more out of him at that point. “I’m going to bed. If you want to talk more later, cool.”
I left him sitting on the couch being distant-Ace. The moment the discussion had turned to something really worth-talking, like the fact that he could look at things differently, he’d shut down. There was no way I was going to explain things to him. It took me forever to get to sleep; I kept worrying about what was going to happen. I woke mid-morning to find Ace sleeping on his side of bed. I got outta bed and left the room grabbing  some clothes and my laptop.
I crawled inside baby girl’s room and thought of sleeping by her side but looked impossible without waking her up so I just left her sleep sweetly.
I spent a while sitting motionless on the sofa and thinking of nothing then felt tired and thought of taking some sleeping pills and get some sleep, later I changed my mind.

So after 4 fucking hours I’m still awake and waiting for him to wake up. I wish all happened yesterday was one silly story popped outta my mind and I could add a good fuck and end it happily, shit that sounds impossible. If only I knew who was writing my story.
Now the sun is spreading his weak rays to win the night, I have this feeling I really don’t wanna talk to him unless he tries to see things my way, I’m going out for a walk, this sofa is so uncomfortable.
***********************************
No matter how hard I try to keep my life anonymous and write nothing much here, there are times it looks so impossible.
A few may know about the other man in my life, for those who doesn’t know:
Ron was my co-worker while I lived  here with my ex. I never paid much attention to him till he caught me and my now partner (husband?!) kissing at the backyard of my office. Being still married and living in a very small town not very gay-friendly we didn’t want anyone know about the feelings we had so we bribed Ron anyway we could to keep his mouth shut. I dunno why when or how but he had a crush on me while I had a bigger crush on Ace. I ignored Ron and he moved on.
Cutting the long story short, somehow he told me about his feelings and I stopped being his friend, later he got back outta nowhere hurt and miserable from the only boyfriend he found himself and me being very mad at Ace, I met him at Logan and gave him a handjob in a public toilet and that was all before things got very serious between me and Ace and we decided to get married. Anyhow, Ron came back to Boston for the wedding and he stayed, and I helped him as a friend, I even asked him to join my team and he accepted but when Ace found out he made me get rid of him and I even escorted him to the airport making sure he was outta our lives.
And yesterday he was back and I was too shocked to stop him from kissing me.
It’s all silly how hard Ace try to keep him away from me and he keeps on coming back. It’s not really my fault someone else has a crush on me. I’m not that special but wtf I had my own crushes on straight guys and I just shut my mouth and disappeared. The least Ron could do was disappearing for the sake of our friendship.
Sometimes Ace pisses me off with not listening to me. It’s ridiculous when it’s ok seeing me kissing, hugging and sometimes flirting with other guys but when they want to respond he gets all possessive, jealous and protective.
To me homosexual relationships are not mostly about being monogamous and cheating doesn’t mean the same as it is to others. When my partner knows about the other one then it’s not cheating.
I’m tired of waiting so I’m going for a walk with the sun shining brightly.Whatever Ace wants to think, let him think. He gotta be mad at his own sister for letting Ron live with her pretending to be her (20 years younger) boyfriend when she knows he’s gay. I’m just so surprised how she didn’t tell the truth to her brother.
I’m just tired of my life looking like a boring stupid soap, it sucks & I need a happy ending.
I guess I leave him a note to check my blog cos I’m not in the mood of explaining.
Question: How can I get rid of someone who had a crush on me?!

Random

Lines in red are what I thought when reading or texting)
When God says “Alright”, He gives you what you want;
When He says “wait”, He will give you a better thing;
When He says “No”, He’s preparing the best for you. (Ohhhhhh, sigh!)
How ya hon? How’s ur man? … is just open at nights?(How can I know? I’m not working there nor I’m www.knowwhateveryouwant.com!)
sent @ 9.00 pm by a friend
*****
Hey, happy random day. I’m fine. He’s pretty better. How ya?
… is usually open after 8 till 11pm, weekends may be different. (Just asked my man and he told me so! & why I should bother asking for exact time when you wanna go out with your someone?! ;-p)
sent @ 9.05 by moi
******
Merci,thanks. I’m busy. I wanted to go out with you to… next Monday or Tuesday, but in the morning!Today I got a software for my work that has a month evaluation. sent @ 9.09 pm by the same friend (merci? WTF!?? In the morning? Don’t you have work to do?…. Get a registered version then, or if that was a hint so I get you one, never ever!)
*****
I’ll play theater for you myself, how about movies? (movies was just a random thought!)
sent @ 9.12 pm by moi
******
Nah, I’ve never gone to …! What does the gallery in …exhibit? If not there, I guess we gotta go to the movie. (WTF! D.I.Y I don’t wanna go out with you anymore!)
sent @ 9.14 pm by the same friend
*****
Gotta ask, when do u wanna go?
sent @ 9.18 pm by moi
******
For me, Monday @ lunchtime is fine. We can eat a little lunch & go.(lunchtime is in the morning!!!!)
sent @ 9.21 pm by the same friend
****
Ok I’ll check & contact with u
G’night (WTF, I’ll do for the sake of being Mr. Nice!)
sent @ 9.23 pm by moi

Notes: This friend is a very special friend I haven’t met for a long while, we were very close friends back at high school so close that we always woke each other up very early in the mornings (4-5ish am) for different reasons; later I chose Material Engineering @ somewhere not that bad and he chose Economics somewhere else and he was pretty jealous of me at first but later I decided just to quit and live a normal gay life while he’s now a few steps away from getting his PhD and earning big big bucks!
Note2: Our friendship had nothing to do with me being gay, he’s straight, single and not thinking of seeing anyone right now. We chose very different parts, somehow I feel he did a lot better than me!
Note3: I really tried hard to meet him on different occasions but he’s too busy, he can’t fit himself in a arrangement both sides agree, you gotta find some time to meet him, if he’s not too busy to forget his promise!
Note4: Never mind, I’ll be back home for Monday so I may go see him or I gotta post his birthday surprise!!!!
Note5: I’ve asked this friend out umpteen times, he was busy. I begged him to come to our home but he wasn’t in the mood of driving that far. I asked him to let him go to his place and he said NOOOOOOOOO!)
*****************
I’m feeling some kinda blah, it’s so cold here and I’m sick and wanna go back home but baby girl and Ace are really enjoying themselves *~*
Ace said I’m writing too many random things about myself and gotta stop it (d’oh!). There’s just one more thing bothering me, I’ll write about it later then I will just stick to erotic stuff!
I’m sorry for posting this way, hope you’re not bored yet!

Shut up fag

Chatting aimlessly (aimless for me cos I was waiting for dinner and had nothing to do) with Jay about random things, we reached the point that he simply told me to shut up, that wasn’t a nice thing to be told when you’re not expecting it. I felt a bit offended but giving it a second thought I think he was very polite not to tell me “fuck off or shut your fucking mouth up”.
I think lately I’m crossing other people’s lines easily without thinking about it and I just go “yeah that’s cool to say whatever crap I like and expect others to accept it.”.
Now I can see why Ace is so quiet round others, pinching me and whispering in disagreement, I have a very sharp tongue opposing others, challenging everything just because I feel I’m 100% right. NAH, very wrong I am.
So I’m sitting on the patio in this freaking cold weather, eating cornflakes and reviewing my own reactions happened the day before and now I can see things a bit clear. You can change laws by force but you can’t change people’s beliefs that way.

There’s something very weird about this town, it’s like home and it’s like a new start every morning. I’ve made very big decisions and faced hell of new challenges here like marrying my long-time best friend, buying my very own house, acting like a responsible familyman, losing a very lovely baby girl, falling in love with the guy I hardly have anything in common, divorcing my baby’s mom and realizing I cant stop life no matter how hard I try and I can name a lot more.

Now I’m back here and I’m just feeling like the first day I stepped on this mysterious rough land. I’m not the guy I was 2 years ago but still I’m too stubborn to accept that I made big mistakes as much as others did.

I was very disappointed with my friends but I guess they felt worse. I was back to somewhere I never truly felt like home and he looked happy seeing his sister again so she decided to throw a party for the newly-wed guys, very nice of her.
I think I’ve mentioned before but I’m just reviewing things. Me and my ex were room-mates back in school time. She was this very cool nice kind room-mate, I was lucky to have and it was a creepy small place so there was this clear rule “NO sex at home”.
I was this very naive 18yr old kid, miles away from home and just trying to figure out how much gayness I had in my blood so one night stands were just a hobby. As far as I can remember my ex had a boyfriend at that time but I cant remember well cos of the rule we had.
We were pretty good room-mates just minding our own business and ignoring the other and we had piles of thick books always waiting for us. I’m not sure how it happened but it happened and we became best friends talking about anything and everything. After a while we decided to move to a bigger cleaner place and very randomly I asked her out and I dunno why we called it a date. The following years were pretty the same for her, focusing on her books and trying to finish her university; randomly she introduced me to her parents as her boyfriend just to keep her mom off her back so she had reasons to stay away from her family and she was very faithful to me.
On the other hand I had a lot to discover, officially she was my girlfriend but I was still seeing other people specially guys. I was on a crazy roller coaster with a sick mind trying to figure things out my own way, trying anything and everything and proving nothing than the fact I couldn’t end my life, attempted suicide twice, spent a while in a hospital and then things went pretty smooth as she remained my best and only friend.
I dunno when or how but I fell in love with her, I wanted her cos she was a good listener, my feelings for her where just emotional, surely we tried it physically but she wasn’t the one I fancied.
She knew she was just one dear friend to me but I dunno why she wanted more outta our relation. I loved kids but having one of my own was a nightmare besides there was a high risk of inheriting those twisted genes and I really didnt want another OC kid in the family beside myself.
On a daily basis we almost had no sex and if had, I was so careful not to get her pregnant and I thought she was as careful as me, even more. I was really wrong, she wanted a baby with me.
I tried really hard to make her get rid of the baby, I begged her, threatened her, did whatever I could, even left her but she kept the baby.
It was a very tough 5 months till she called and told me the baby born a month early, that’s one bad thing happening to a kid. I did prayed for her death and it was a weird feeling cos I sorta don’t follow any thing called religion.
After a while she and the baby went home and I decided remain the biological dad and live my own life. I started very straight, then somehow I couldnt resist sleeping with some hot guys, then I got tired and felt very ashamed thinking religion was the only way I could survive (this wasn’t my own discovery, actually someone made me look at the world that way and accept that homosexuality was a big a sin.)

Cutting the long story short, after 6 months I made my mind to embrace life as straightly as I could. To my own surprise she let me back in her life but she was leaving my lovely Boston to start a new life in an icy hell aka Alaska and I just followed her, determined to be her Mr. Right and a good dad.

I wasn’t too sure of my ability to stay monogamous and faithful so I thought making a strong bond like a marriage would make me keep my vows.
There was no party no cake, just me, my ex, her parents and a friend of mine.

And a new life started, I earned pretty good, we had a happy family and it was just getting used to the rough weather. Being Alaska and living in a small city I really had no chance of finding a fuck buddy so me and my ex focused on something else, a new baby. 2 babies could keep me very busy.

After a while I got bored, there was nowhere to go, no Fenway, No nightclub, No gay bar, Not even a gay couple, nothing.
I started flirting with random women just to stop thinking about guys, soon I got bored and again there was me and one dirty friend, Internet. Chatting on-line looked pretty fine, no harm to her, no harm to me.
The more me and my ex lived together, the less common things we found, her mom really hated me and I wasn’t anything close to her prince charming, I had the money , I’m not that ugly and I loved baby girl but she was tired of all my manic and depressive moods and with long cold boring winters here I really couldnt get rid of my depression easily. We had endless arguments, yet we tried to look like the perfect family round our friends, she wanted everything perfect and I was really tired of pretending to be someone I wasn’t.
After 6 months watching her getting fatter with the little baby in her womb I asked her to just get outta town and have some fun in a bigger city. I wanted to make her happy and sorta I wanted to meet the guy I’d been chatting with for a while.
It was one of the worst trips of my life I really dont wanna remember, in the shortest way I can say, we lost the little baby and somehow the bond that kept me and my ex together broke.
I may look indifferent when hearing about someone’s death but it’s exactly the opposite. I’ve lost very wonderful people in my life that I wasn’t the kinda person to give my ex some hope to move on. I really needed a push myself and I couldn’t understand why on earth I had to lose my closest ones so easily.
To my own surprise I didn’t fall in my depressive mood but the opposite so I pretty ignored my ex and tried to know my e-guy better.
after a while I found a job in the city he lived (still Alaska) and made my family move with me, he moved in too.
I was never seriously & emotionally engaged with another guy. I wanted him as a family member but to him I was just a fuck buddy.Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things in my life and it wasn’t a good experience.
We went back to the little town she loved and tried to start again, I really tried my best but there was no end to our arguments, still she tried to pretend we were one happy family.
I was so determined to have a normal family and play straight after being dumped by my ex-boyfriend or the other way round, I can say I tried really hard to be a good dad and a good husband but things didnt go well.
I digress, among her friends there was this 40ish woman she was really close that I can say she was my ex’s best friend, let’s call her G.
G had a brother who lived in a village near Bering sea, I’d met him a few times but never tried to know him cos he was mysteriously silent and quiet and really not interested in anything I liked.
I don’t remember why he decided to stay a while with his sister; I just know I had to keep his company while the girls were having some fun. He was boringly minding his own business so most of the times I ignored him and did whatever I felt like doing but somehow I got used to his presence.
Me and my ex still had lots of fights and arguments and divorce was something to be mentioned every now and then , yet we tried to remain as a family.

I really can’t say why I fell in love with him, we just went fishing, digging holes and talking about random things and it just happened like the most natural thing in the world, we kissed and since then I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
***********
I’m all numb sitting in the cold for so long and this wasn’t really the kinda thing I wanted to say. Whatever surely you can guess the rest and I will find another time writing what I wanted to say, I’m going inside!

Missing parts of my puzzle

*. this is not a story, this is just me clearing my mind and get rid of some old memories

I really had enough of all the shit surrounding me, Ok I accept I’m one lucky proud guy who’s not thankful to anyone and anything but wtf, that’s me.
I’m tired of all this headache, I have tried as many pills I could think of but nothing got better.
I have this not very pleasant pain in each and every particle making my body and I really don’t know how to start.
There’s this fact I can’t deny, you attract people of your own kind. So having plenty of jerkass friends in my life means definitely I’m one of them.

I have no idea where to start but I really need it off my chest.
I never had many girlfriends, thinking more carefully I can say there was just one I truly loved and we lived together for a good 5-6 years beside knowing each other for more than 8 years. For the boyfriend part, I had plenty I really loved but all of ‘em(except one) were real assholes or better say we were just fuck buddies, nothing really nice when you want to love someone and expect him to love you pretty the same way.
Now that I look back I see it wasn’t all their fault when I wasn’t this gentleman myself. I could never be Mr. right for anyone when I pretty tried many things. I used to blame everything on having bipolar disorder but to be fair I enjoyed that life, I enjoyed doing not very pleasant things and I was never monogamous so all I can say is that I was a lucky bitch, it’s a miracle I have no STD.
…………..
I attempted suicide 4 times that means I’m no big fan of living a long life, my worst nightmare was celebrating my 25th birthday that I did and since then I pretty gave up trying to end my life, so I decided to change. I cant say I was successful but at least I tried, I tried many things like learning about other religions, trying to love others no matter what color they are, giving up any addiction and having a straight family of my own.
The results wasn’t what I expected. I’m not atheist but I don’t follow any religion unfortunately and there’s this very big gap in my soul I can’t fill. I still don’t like Asians, Africans and Afro-Americans but I’m a big fan of people living in North pole.
The one thing I never truly tried to change was my attraction to guys. Surely I lied a lot but I never denied how I felt about other guys. I dunno, probably if I accepted the reality and stopped trying to be bisexual, things could be better.
Fortunately or unfortunately I married a woman, the only woman I thought I loved beside my own family. Honestly I don’t know why we did it cos she knew I wouldn’t change and I didn’t want to have a monogamous life with her. she was a very good friend but sex was always boring we pretty avoid it as much as we could and I wanted to find a Mr. Right.
…………………………..
3 years ago I could imagine my own funeral but having a baby girl and trying to be her dad were things I never thought of.
I dunno insisting to have her custody was the right thing to do but her mom didn’t want her since the time I decided to see my own baby and be her dad. (For the first 6 months of her life, I hated her so much the only thing that could make me happy was her death and ridiculously I prayed for that, thanks hell nobody listened to me!)
…………….
I tried really hard not to judge my ex, not to hate her, not to bitch about her but I really cant do it anymore. I risked his love to bring my baby’s mom back to her life and now I can see why he hates her so much, he has very good reasons.
I hadn’t talked to her for a long time but I needed to tell her how much she was missed in the little girl’s life and how sad she looks seeing other babies having their moms around so i called her again and again till she answered. It was really short but she said whatever she wanted in a 5-page letter neatly written and scanned.
it’s so silly but I’m not feeling angry anymore.
hhhhhmmmm it’s hard to say but she was never the normal mom worrying about her baby when she’s sick, hungry…., she always wanted her to act like grown-ups telling me I spoil her, I didn’t and I can say she’s more mature then me in many ways.
I think for the first time in my life I have to retreat and accept that she cant have a mom like many other kids. I wont tell her that her mom never wanted her and I wait till she’s old enough to realize it herself. The thing that I really cant understand is the obvious paradox in what she said and what she did. As much as I want to say lots of bad things about her, I cant, I dunno why, may be I still love her as a good friend who knows.
Whatever I keep my mouth shut and say nothing, at least I’m feeling a lot better now.
……………………………….
As he said last night, for the first time since we fell in love I want to let him decide cos I really don’t want to have arguments like the one we had last night or our neighbors will really call the police next time.
I got our passports yesterday but I’m gonna cancel the booked tickets and put all my energy on selling our home and saving money.
I dunno whether I’m too extravagant or he’s too stingy or something else, he thinks having a bigger home in a more proper location is more important than an expensive honeymoon, besides my ex’s lawyer contacted me and told me she wanted to give my apartment back (sorta feeling guilty I guess or my parents scared her in her dreams :-p).
So I let him decide this time after he promised to give me some money for a honeymoon even without him!
I dunno if I’m doing the right thing or not, I hope I do.
I really want to forget my ex and start a new life with him and baby girl, having two dads can be fun.
He suggested going back to Alaska for a little fun after finishing my project, I think I can finish it today so probably with a good luck and finding tickets we’ll spend the coming days in the land of ice and snow.
Spending all last night looking at albums, crying and burning photos, I think I miss there a bit besides I never had time to see his little hut and I think it’s time to see his place.
………………………………….
4.5.06 I married the mother of my lovely baby girl, it was a life of its own with its experiences and lessons.
4.5.08 I’m still married but to someone I truly love. The more I think, the more I want to spend tomorrow feeling miserable in a plane than thinking about 2 years ago.
sometimes we have to bury old memories and move on, I guess at last I managed to do that (a bit).

A day round the bean town

Yesterday was one of those busy blah days when I usually get so lost in my thoughts I can hardly find my way back home.

I was desperately in need of a shoulder to cry on but he wasn’t even at home, I really hate him when he’s working and reject my calls.

I still have the headache going through a creepy day with just 2 cigarettes to be smoked.

Whatever, after all the calls I made and getting the same answer”Busy, gonna call later” he picked me up round 5 and we went round the city.

The ugliest thing we observed was two baby heads on the front steps of the Museum of Fine Arts. it scared the shit outta all of us, making baby girl comment a few things like why someone cut the heads of baby monsters off ?!!!

Then we went on cruising till a friend called and suggested visiting Avril. Urgghh I’m no big fan of her so I really don’t like wasting my money like that when I can buy some sexy clothes! The only question left unanswered was that why she used pink on her hair, copycat!

what else aha lemme copy-paste the news for the 3rd pic

“Four protesters chained themselves to the doors of Bank of America in Copley Square yesterday, accusing the bank of funding coal and energy companies that pollute the environment.

The four blocked access to the Boylston Street bank from 8:45 a.m. until shortly after 11 a.m., when police arrested them after cutting through a bicycle lock one had looped through a door handle and around her neck.

“Without the financial support of large banks like Bank of America, the fossil fuel industry could not continue destroying the earth and our communities,” said Elise Ansel, one of the protesters.”

The last pic is really irrelevant but wtf he plays in red sox and J.D.’s cute.

I still feel sorta empty and blah and I dunno what the hell is wrong with me but I want something romantic and he’s asleep, fine it’s 3 am, i think it’s better for me to go to bed!

 

pictures for weekend (ready for bed)

reviving the thoughts of a gay dad

note: read the labels carefully instead of blaming me!

Sometimes it’s hard to believe how far we’ve moved and how much we’ve changed but once in a while we stare at the mirror hanging in the bathroom and smile at that stranger staring at us, not always he looks good but somehow he looks familiar.
And we all have that thinking ego, that bitter part of our conscience reminding us of who we are and where we are going; we all have visions of our future but sometimes we pretend of not being aware of it, we just take a quick glance and let it die somewhere in the big hidden chest of ours.

It’s too late for a new year resolution when I can hardly gather my thoughts in my tiny brain but I wanna have resolution for the coming days, this month is important to me, it can be important to many others or it can be something like the passed days of previous months. Sometimes I terrify myself not being sure if I’m making the right decision, the good move, the wise choice but I always hated choosing between two very different things and again I have to.
It’s nice waking up every morning  feeling the warmth of someone you love by your side, it looks great to come home knowing someone is waiting for you and it’s awesome to see the most adorable person in your life grows up and become a better person; it’s all great to have so many positive things in life that make you stronger to face those hard time but none of them looks like a good reason to your choice, marriage is one big responsibility, being something between a man and a woman or two people of same sex really won’t change anything, it’s all sharing things again and forgetting all your selfish moments.
Sometimes I feel tired of so many questions coming to my mind, other times I get tired of my lame answers, we really don’t have to, we can spend a while together, love and live and then move on without feeling guilty, that looks like a good choice when you feel being married or not won’t make big changes in your social life, not like normal marriages then again when you find some time to spend just with him you find thousands of reasons to share your life with him.

I know we still have time to think, we have 12 days to think or just runaway and I keep on thinking of a good reason not to legally marry him, guess he will do the same

footnote: the only reason I wrote the above crap was re-reading my mail to a dear friend, I share some parts below.
…and i dont get offended that easily, we’re friends and we ask questions sometimes the other one doesn’t like answering (haven’t i asked you such questions?!!) you know me and Ace are still figuring our reasons out, actually looking for acceptable reasons but the fact is there’s not a single acceptable reason, it’s all crazy. me and Ace had lots of ups& downs in our relationship though not even a year long, we’ve broken the other one’s heart, we’ve been assholes, we’ve cheated on the other and a lot more i cant name but he’s a good friend, not that kinda person you can rely on 7-24 but that’s fine, we’re all humans and it’s impossible not to make mistakes. the important thing is that we want to have our little family, he’s the guy i wanna spend my senior years with(if i reach!), it’s weird how he makes me think of getting old, something my ex never could do, i was always counting days till my death when i was with her but Ace has this super positive thoughts that make you want to live longer and wait to see if what he said would happen or not. but honestly he’s still an asshole, not  understanding 1/4th of my ex (male creatures really dont have that option  in their tiny brains :-D) and no matter how hard he try or how much he promise, he cant help me much with BD, he’s sorta afraid of it, too up or too down and click Ace’s gone  and i have to spend some of my energy to find my jerkass partner, he’s weird but y ex says he will get used to my moods in the end or he better does cos it’s something i cant change nor control.
whatever, right now we’re in the madly in love, crazily planning mood. there wont be any big change, not something others will notice but that’s fine when you go home and there’s someone waiting for you and sometimes gives you some cold smelly food and a bitter devilish smile, i like that idea
….. i once got married just for the never ending guilt i felt as an irresponsible dad. i never wanted a baby for myself though they looked like nice toys, i never wanted a baby with my ex and i never wanted to marry her, probably that explains why i had such a screwed marriage and why my brother insisted on not getting married that way, so obvious things look when you’re outta the circle and have much clear ideas, how easy we can avoid stupid acts of ourselves if we knew what would happen in the end, would the world be any better? i have no idea.

…..im a very selfish self-centered dad, sometimes i just wanna get rid of  Sam and have some time for myself, i dont even care about Ace, i just want to do nothing than watching nfl or nhl or some soap opera or whatever and do nothing, she annoys me with her never ending responsibilities, nothing gonna get better as she grows up. sometimes i wanna beg my ex to watch her for a few more days, she wont, not with good reasons from my side.
i don’t want  to feel unwanted but she is sometimes, she annoys me to death when she doesn’t listen to me, when she screams and cries in supermarkets just because i said “no” to what she wanted. annoyingly she’s smart and now i understand why granny told me i was worse than her as a kid,  i cant imagine how many times my parents thought of just leaving me in a crowded shop and run-away.sometimes that looks like a very good option to be chosen.

honestly Ace deals a lot better with her, it’s not that he’s trying to be her dad, he does great with kids, that’s part of his natural abilities, something i dont have. it may sound very selfish and silly but one of my reasons to marry Ace is this, he’s the person who can look after my kid and raise her in the best possible way, he’s really polite, i’m not. he behaves well, i don’t, he’s an adult in behavior and age, again im not. i have all the qualities of an asshole dad, someone you will hate and will count the days till your 18th birthday when you can get rid of him, the same feeling i had when living with my uncle, gosh i hate that man and it seems i can never get over that feeling or he keeps on refreshing my memories and giving me more reasons to hate him.

sometimes i feel very sorry for Sam, she has the worst parents in the world, not her choice for sure. it’s something great no matter how well she gets on with Ace, it’s always daddy she runs to when she feels sad or angry or in need, it makes me feel not like the big failure i am. but i cant stop thinking about her future, you’re right, soon she will go to school and soon she will learn about other kids’ normal families, there’s no Ace in most kids’ lives, there’s no once a week mom and there’s no one with crazy disgusting dad you will feel embarrassed to introduce to your friends and she will grow up, then it would be me and this one beautiful teenage girl with her problems i barely know, will she talk to me then? will she think of getting sexual advice from me? will she listen to me talking about puberty and sex? yeah schools are good places but they dont teach everything and i doubt she will run to me then and i barely think by that time her mom even tries to see her once a week.
(cos she and her boy friend are moving to another state)
we’re horrible parents, i feel unwanted , let alone her . sometimes my ex makes me think she’s more like a surrogate mom to Sam than someone insisted on keeping her so much. she has kid-phobia for sure.
i know im talking crap but i have hell of things to be afraid of and im not a courageous kinda person though sometimes unintentionally i give the wrong look of a nice person. …..

get the contract signed- part seven: last part

Binggum gave a little squeak, seeing those four fingers of CJ’s finger fucking my ass, and in a self-congratulatory voice, CJ said, “Didn’t think it could be done, did you? Don’t worry. No damage. It will tighten right back up after I’m done. Well, maybe not exactly right afterward, but certainly in time enough for you to have your jollies.”

Quick as a wink, CJ was back up on his feet. He strode over to Binggum’s chair and laid it down on the floor, with Binggum on his back pointed up.

“What? Why are you doing that?” Binggum asked in an uncertain voice.

“Ringside seat, that’s why,” CJ answered. “You’re our honored host, and you get the best seat in the house.” He pulled me over until I was standing over Binggum’s face. “Tent yourself over him, with your chest on his legs and your piece just out of reach about his mouth,” CJ told me, and I did as he asked. I looked back to see CJ behind me, lubricating his flagpole. “Spread em,” he commanded as he walked in behind me,” and I dutifully complied. No matter how opened he’d made me, I knew I’d want my legs spread as far apart as possible. He laid his dong inside the crack between my butt cheeks and gave it a couple of strokes and beat it against my cheeks a couple of times.

“So, how’s the view down there, Johnathan?” CJ called down to Binggum.

“Just fine,” he answered.

I expected his big dick head to approach first, but I was surprised to feel him kneel and give me some tongue again, followed by various fingers and puffs of air. But then, there it was, as I remembered it. It felt like the end of a broomstick and about three times as big as it had looked—and it had looked like a monster head, overflowing the thick rod that backed it up. That, at least was solace. Once the head was in, nothing wider was to follow.

I grunted in slight pain as the glans pushed at the hole, and my legs trembled as it slid in up to and a bit beyond the rim. Binggum, who had a close view of it all, let out a little squeak of pleasure. I could feel one of CJ’s hands come around in front. He pulled my cock ring off and swirled it around Binggum’s mouth and nose, to Binggum’s great pleasure. Tossing that aside, CJ cupped my balls momentarily and then wrapped his hand around my cock close to the root and replaced the pressure the ring had been providing. I moaned, and my legs began to feel like jelly. Binggum moaned at the sight of what was going on just above his face. I could feel CJ take his own cock with his other hand and rotate it inside me, gently stretching the hole. He was whispering encouragement for me to relax and telling me how nice a fuck I was. Binggum was whispering his agreement. The cock had found the prostrate and, as before, I felt myself just releasing, and the cock slid in.

“Ah, good, nice,” CJ murmured. That’s got a couple of inches in. It should be easier going now. A couple of inches?! I moaned again. It was painful, but possibly not as painful as the previous day’s fucks had been. “Ah another inch. It should slip on up now,” CJ was saying. “Now come back up to me, arching your back, chest out, and wrap your arms around my neck.” I started to come back up, but CJ told me to stop, as I could feel his dick losing some ground. With one hand on my lower stomach and the other gently pushing my lower back into an arch, he brought my butt closer into his crotch, and I could feel his rod pushing in further—even a little further than it had been before. I moaned—and Binggum moaned—but I rose back up, my back arched as well as I could, and wrapped my arms around CJ’s neck. I felt CJ’s hands go below my knees in front of my calves, and he smoothly and effortless pulled me up in front of him as if I were sitting in a chair, but with my asshole arched back and up to provide an angle for a full-dick fuck. I could hear Binggum catch his breath. The half-buried cock and its receptacle must have been right over his face, giving him a full view of what was happening. And what was happening was that CJ’s cock was slowly but surely snaking its way up my innards. No inching and waiting now; he was gliding right on in. Even so, it seemed to be taking him forever, and I couldn’t feel his pubic hair tickling my ass yet. But then he pulled my folded legs a little bit closer, the angle on my ass increased just a smidgen, and he was in all of the way.

“So, what do you think, our dear host? Do you agree now it can be done?”

“Yes, yes,” Binggum whispered. “Now me. Now, give him to me.”

“In a bit, in just a little bit.” I want to show you how good he is. And then CJ began to rock the chair he had made of me, pushing me out so that an increasing amount of his dick root could be seen and then pushing back in. I was trembling and moaning, and Binggum was trembling and moaning as well. If anything, I felt CJ was getting bigger inside me. But I had stretched to where I could manage him, and, feeling this, he chose to give Binggum one last thrill. First he let one of my legs down and then the other. He still held me to him in position, skewered on his bludgeon, like a rag doll, in front of him. He told me I could let loose of his neck with my arms and let my chest and arms fall before me. Then he took a step back and lifted Binggum and his chair back upright. He stepped away from the chair, and, in Binggum’s view, while holding me in place across my stomach with one hand, took his other hand, and slowly spun my body around so that now my chest was suspended below him. Binggum was be able to see the root of his now floor-pointed cock rising out of my ass. He’d done all of this without losing purchase in my ass, and the sensation of him rotating inside me hadn’t been all that unpleasant.

“You can drape your legs over my shoulders again,” he said. And then he asked, “Do you think you can rise up and give us a kiss?”

“Sure, I said.” It took really strong stomach muscles to pull myself up, but I did so, wrapping an arm around his neck and giving him a kiss. While we were kissing, though, he surprised me by, first, putting one foot up on the chair stool beside Binggum’s leg, and then the other one, so that he was standing facing the sitting Binggum.

“I think we can all manage now, if we’d all like to be in the finale of this course,” said CJ. “If you go back down, Craig, I think you’ll be able to reach Binggum, and Binggum will be able to reach you as well.” I slowly dropped my trunk back down, and, sure enough, there was Binggum’s cock just about perfectly positioned for my mouth. I slid my mouth down over his stiff rod just as if I was sheathing him with a condom, and I felt that he, indeed, was able to do the same for me. As I felt CJ stiffing in preparation for shooting his wad into me, I snaked one hand around Binggum’s cock and dove for his balls with the other one to bring him to climax sometime close to CJ. Binggum came just a fraction of a second before CJ let loose his first load. I didn’t come then, but after CJ carried me into the lounge and gently settled me down in the couch and he’d returned to let Binggum free, Binggum had run into the lounge and knelt before me, buried his face into my crotch, and covered my body with caresses and tiny scratchings and probings until I had come in three big spurts as well.

He then pulled me up from the couch and out onto the patio and pulled me down behind him into the pool. He then turned to me, and I let his hands and lips wander all over me, as if I was some sort of new toy, while we drifted in the water and up against the side of the pool. At length, he lifted me out of the water and up in a sitting position on the side of the pool and gently gave me head until I was hardening again. All the time his hands were wandering around my chest and down my back. He lifted his lips from my dick and looked into my eyes with a questioning gaze. He then took the palm of his hand and placed it on my chest, and he hardly had to apply any pressure at all for me to lie back, pillowing my head on one of my arms. I scooted my butt out over the lip of the pool and brought both of my knees up so I was open to him. With a contented sigh, Binggum began to tongue my asshole. It must have closed back up nicely after the exercise CJ had given it, because Binggum was clucking and slurping with obvious pleasure. His tongue seemed longer and thinner than CJ’s—more like a cock than CJ’s actually—and his fingers were thinner and more sensitive and experienced than CJ’s had been. So, the experience, helped by the slowly moving water and the play of the lights on the pool, was quite pleasant.

When I felt open enough, I pushed my legs back in the water, sat up, and entered the water between Binggum and the wall. Taking his mouth into a kiss, I laced my hands around his butt cheeks and pulled him to me. Our hardened cocks chafed each other between our bellies. I walked him back to the shallow end of the pool and pushed him down into a seated position on the wide step at the shallow end, His legs were extended out in front of him and his heels were on the floor of the pool below the steps. His back was pushed up against the rim of the pool. I straddled him, facing him, his legs between mine. I took his mouth in mine in a lingering kiss as I positioned his long, rather thin cock at my backdoor with one hand and slowly, ever so slowly brought myself down into his lap, his hands found my balls and cock. And we sat there in the evening breeze, water flowing around us… and in us… and through us. I gently tightened my asshole around Binggum’s cock and gave him the sensation of a slowly yielding, yet close-fit, deep, languid fuck. When we were finished, I rose from the pool and went over to a lounge chair, lay down and closed my eyes to nap. But that was not to be, as I awoke to two exploring hands on my chest, Binggum straddling me as I had straddled him, and my hardening cock slowly being engorged by Binggum’s much looser, but still very inventive, ass. I looked up to see that CJ had come out to the patio and was standing behind Binggum.

“Here, let me tighten this situation up,” he said, I felt his fingers probing inside Binggum and around my cock. He pushed Binggum down on his elbows just above me, encouraging us to kiss, and I felt CJ’s rod gliding in, this time above mine, and Binggum giving sweet little sighs and moans. I was tired enough that I just held my dick in place, plowed up to the root, and let CJ provide all of the friction action. CJ and I gave Binggum an added thrill by taking his cock in both our hands and giving it and his balls a double hand job. We still all came fairly close together and just laid there entwined as the night deepened.

As I was drifting off to sleep, I heard Binggum ask softly, “Can I keep him?”

“Not on your life,” CJ answered, “But he’ll be back the next time we have a deal to close.”