kiss me on the lips bro part 2

Note: Check this part first and the labels before reading, it’s not meant to fulfill a fantasy and actually it’s me dealing with my life as innocent as possible.

The curtains were down and the room was lit with some of Ace’s favorite candles and in the middle of the room my shameless brother was trying to polish his toenails.
“You just have pink and black? they don’t match too well.”
I stared at my own brother voiceless with my jaws dropped open while Ace was still struggling to stand on his own feet and close his zip I undid earlier. Gosh this guy has peeped into the most private parts of my house and was still giving me that innocent look I guess sometimes I have too. I blinked a few times and re-started my brain before saying anything, actually I opened my mouth but nothing came out cos I wasn’t sure I wanted to say obscenities (that is pretty useless with those words being mostly related to the family and whatever I said would for sure insult my own family!) or I wanted to ignore him. At last I managed to call Z’s full name and tell him to get out at once. He gave me an unpleasant look before mentioning I had a gorgeous husband and I looked sexier when angry.
I blew the candles to save the remaining parts, noticing some of ‘em were the ones that meant something to Ace cos as long as I knew him they were somewhere near him.
“I’m so sorry.” Just thinking about what my brother did and the possibility of damaging some of Ace’s precious memorials, I was sure just a simple apology wont be enough.
“Easy, love. They were just candles, made to be burned.” he ran his fingers through the curves of my hair before embracing me tight. Little drops of tears glued our faces as I tried to kiss him. W spent the next 5 to 10 minutes doing nothing than sitting on the bed and holding hands, each thinking of a very different thing.
“Fine?” he asked at last. “Yes, you?” I asked staring at his blue eyes that looked grayer than ever.
“I think you dont have to ask him anymore, so give him time to come out on his own terms.” He smiled sweetly reminding me of the coming days I’d miss him.
“Judging him at the first fright? not really like you. Honestly I can give him time to pack and get outta my house, this kid is crossing all the lines. Everyone knows every couple has their own private things, why should we be any different?” I felt hot with anger, I did try to respect those lines at least though I usually cross ‘em without noticing, there is a huge difference between doing something intentionally and unintentionally.
“Shush, throw him outta your part of house, this house is mine too and I want my brother-in-law to stay. Don’t act like K, you weren’t Mr. perfect when you were his age.” he paused to pull me closer, his lips almost touching mine. “You are perfect now.”
It was one of those passionate kisses  without any tongue fight when you dont wanna let go till you’re outta breath.
I took a deep breath before welcoming the intruder, I knew he’d been standing there for a while just looking at his brother but I’m not the kinda guy to stop such kisses cos someone is watching us, I don’t even do it cos of baby girl and that’s the reason sister-in-law taught her the word “gay” that she uses too random some people thought/think she had a very homophobic dad and I even got a few lectures on homosexuality and its nature. Am I really homophobic?

“Come here Z, we gotta talk.” I patted a place on the bed, showing him where to sit.
“Sorry.” was all he said  as he managed to sit right between me and Ace like baby girl who always wants a middle ground when she joins her daddies for a night.
Me and Ace moved a bit to give him more space, I really didn’t want to sandwich my own brother.

I opened my mouth a few times to ask him the question then I thought I might freak him out, I really had no experience asking my brother if he was gay. I had asked a few guys about their sexuality but that was for other purposes. For the first time I was hell mad at myself for never trying to know my little bro. if we were closer, he would have told me right? How was he supposed to come out to his brother if he were gay? I simply asked my granny to out me to my family and I don’t remember how I came out to her, it was like she knew it. This was different. What if he was just curious, com’on lots of straight guys color their hair and nails and lots of gays don’t like it.

“So what’s up Z?” I heard Ace coming to rescue me.
I felt Z curved to a ball and whimpered a few times as he tried to grab my hand with no success so I moved my hand closer and held his right hand as Ace went for his other hand. I even felt  Ace’s other hand  brushed against  the hand I put behind Z.

“I think I might be …” Z bit his lip and swallowed some air loudly.
“You might be what?” I shouted at him or at least it was too loud for a simple chat and I felt Ace’s nails dug into my free hand so I repeated my question with the nicest tone I had right then.
“I might be like you.” Z said and ran out of the room. I think I looked as shocked as Ace that means we both looked too silly and too funny. I was waiting for that answer and I was still shocked. So was he out now? he didn’t even say the word. “Like you” Ace pointed his finger at me and burst in laughter.
“What’s funny ugly boy?” I managed to ask after laughing a while myself. I think it’s another kind of reaction when you are shocked.

“Nothing, nothing really. Now we gotta find him a husband.”
-”Jerkass, he said he might, that means nothing. Let’s go and talk to him, I bet it took him all the guts he had to say so.”

I ran downstairs followed by Ace and stood behind Z’s door so Ace knocked.
“Yes?” Came a hoarse voice.
“We want to come in.” I said as I tried the doorknob, it was locked.
“Wait, I’m coming.” Z said and in a seconds we heard the door unlocked.
I think it runs in the family, we all look like total mess and hell funny when we’re mentally fucked. I tried not to laugh but I saw Ace’s lips curve to a smile before he succeeded to turn it to some concerned looks.
” Let’s be honest Z. Is your gf still a virgin?” I needed to know everything and I usually ask things straight.
Z blushed obviously ” I think so, we broke up.” I was concerned about my brother but that girl was very special. Her dad was really worried about the guy his daughter chose as boyfriend and he didn’t let Z get too close to her before her 18th birthday. Heaven knows how many times I talked to him just to convince him my brother meant her no harm and he didn’t need to protect his daughter this much. At least I knew they didn’t have sex and his father wouldnt come to haunt me if my brother is a queer.

“You’re not gonna tell K,right? I wanna stay here, I will work and pay you. please let me stay.” I could see the terrified look in his eyes.
“Don’t worry for now, your secret is safe as long as you ask but K is your brother too and he’s not as bad as you think, he just wants to protect you, alright?” I wasnt much sure about what I was saying, K did care but he proved me at times that he was no fan of same-sex relationships.
“For the staying part…” I put my arm round Ace and pulled him close “I have no objection but it’s not all my house so you need his permission too.”
“It’s fine by me as long as you behave.” Ace said sweetly and well I already knew the answer but I had to show Z how things worked.
“One more thing”
“what?”
” You cant stay here for too long cos you have to go back to school and this town is not that gay-friendly and not really good for a young guy like you, the winters are long and you cant do much, you’ll be bored soon and you cant count on the flights to runaway when it starts snowing.”
“Ok.” Z smiled shyly and that was the boy I knew, so much like the little annoying brother except this guy was a man now.
I stepped out and pulled Ace with me.
“we have business to take care of so don’t bug us for at least an hour, then we can talk if you like.” I wanted to be there for him but he didn’t look like willing enough to talk besides he had asked some of the questions and he could find some answers on the internet, Ace was going away and I needed to refresh a few things before he was gone.
“Wait.” Ace stopped me in the middle.
“Sorry to ask this cos it’s your brother’s job and he didn’t ask. Ever been with a guy?” apparently Ace wanted to ask like the nosy brother.
“Not more than flirting.” Z was an obvious red. Silly this guy was so shameless to look inside everywhere and now he was blushing at a simple question.

“we can take care of our business later, I’m gonna make some coffee so we can talk a bit.” Ace said as he left for the kitchen.
“Hey I don’t want coffee, I want tea.” I ran after him cos I didn’t want to be left with my gay brother.
*****
It’s almost a day now since he almost came out and I’m happy he chose me and happier  he is in a good place and he has enough time to clear his mind, understand himself, love himself and become ready to look for his guy. Yet I’m not happy he finds it hot whenever me and Ace do things (simply touch and kiss, nothing more, what have you thought?).
I can feel happy for a while, not because he is gay, just because he was brave enough to let go of his girlfriend, I know she was hurt but I’m sure she can find someone a lot better than Z, she was so dammed beautiful even a pervert homosexual like Ace notices.
I don’t wanna push him to say or do things and I want him to move with his own pace; Ace is right, he is young and still there is the possibility of being just curious or thinking it’s cool to be gay so he has a month or two to think and sort things out. At least he has me and Ace whenever he has any question and well I think it’s pretty good to have someone from your family to chat. I didn’t have that option and though m granny is really cool and understanding we are from different generations and she could never really understand me or help me when dating guys.

I dunno if I am doing the right thing or not but I want to keep his secret until he is ready. There is nothing worse than outting someone when they need time to stay in their closet  a little longer.

I’m sorry if you are bored, writing things down helps me clear my mind and give things a second thought.

Kiss me on the lips bro

Note: Check this part first and the labels before reading, it’s not meant to fulfill a fantasy and actually it’s me dealing with my life as innocent as possible.

“Ace,you’ve been such a bad boy and I have to punish you. now open your mouth and take the whole sausage or I will be very mad.” I ordered Ace as he opened his mouth.
Baby girl was sitting in my lap and giggling at Ace while he struggled to swallow the sausage I just fed him, I could laugh at him too but there was lots of items on baby girl’s plate that I had to feed her so with the same tone I asked her to open her mouth and let the fork land there. She chewed a few times before swallowing the green beans.
“Open again, it’s an emergency flight” I begged her cos the carrots were almost falling.
She kept her mouth shut and the carrots fell on her skirt. I bit my lip to avoid saying shit. While I was busy cleaning the mess she opened her mouth to tell me she wouldn’t let another plane unless Ace open his big (hungry) mouth again. Holy fuck, Ace had finished his own plate and was invading mine and I had to feed him while I was starving myself, no way, even slaves had better lives.
“Listen baby girl, you’re gonna finish your dinner or you cant play with pinkie” she puffed and panted and sighed as I put her on Ace’s lap to do the hard work while I could eat something.
“Want me to feed you.” Ace said with a smirk and I had to mouth “shut up bitch”before filling my mouth with the leftovers.
“Hey Nate you can have mine, I’m not hungry and I wanna take a bath.” Z shouted  entering the bathroom. At least I wasnt starving tonight.
Five minutes later and Z was back in the room. “What’s in that locked wardrobe?” shamelessly he had looked inside almost everywhere except our bedroom.
“Come closer, I’ll tell you.” he put his ear near my mouth.
Baby girl shouted :” I want whisper”, I smiled foolishly at Ace who was staring with his big eyes, “Ok I’ll whisper something in your ear too” baby girl agreed and went on putting the carrots in Ace’s mouth.
“We keep our toys and porns there” I whispered in Z’s ear, the pushed him to a side to whisper something in baby girl’s ear. “we will go to park if you finish your dinner.” She smiled and stopped feeding Ace, and opened her mouth to be fed.
Z had gone to the bathroom and locked the door.
when I told Ace what I told Z he couldn’t stop laughing, the truth was since the day we moved in that closet stayed wet from some unknown water and we could never fix it so we gave up the idea of using it, locked it up and through the key away.
I took me 15 minutes to wash the dishes and get ready, meanwhile Ace and baby girl dressed and picked pinkie to come to the park, pinkie’s park actually.
Z stayed in the bathroom saying we had a very comfortable tub when Ace said we had a better one in our room and Z said he would try that later.
****
Baby girl found some friends to play with and gave us some time to chat with other parents and have some fun of our own. On the way back baby girl was so tired she fell asleep in my arms, with her eyes closed she’s an angel and I almost forget what a demon she can be with her eyes open.
We got inside using the back door cos I forgot to bring my keys and that’s the door always open, just locked when we’re outta town. Ace followed me to baby girl’s room making sure she wouldn’t wake up and I had no problem changing her clothes, I never have problem with that, I can change his clothes too while asleep.
The door of downstairs bathroom was open so probably Z was out again and I had to wait a few more hours before we could talk about what was bothering me for weeks now.
I heard Ace telling me not to worry as he nibbled at my ear. With the strange aroma in the air and his naughty hands moving over all my sensitive parts I decided to give in to his assaults and let myself have fun before the inevitable argument besides Ace was going outta town for another 4 days and this could be our last chance.
I unzipped his jeans and put my hand inside to touch  his cock that belonged  to me, I loved him more without the pants so there were less to struggle with.
He closed his eyes and I went on exploring his body while I was biting his nipples though I didnt like the taste of fiber on ‘em.
“Let’s go inside” he whispered trying to stop my hand before I made him blow his load right there.
“K, let me take you.” I said as I turned my back to him, giving him time to climb me, piggyback rides were the little fun we sometimes had.
I admit he’s at least 40lbs heavier than me but I’m a tough guy for short distances. I followed the strange aroma to our room with Ace on my back. we were ready to get rid of our clothes and make love as soon as we stepped inside.
“Z what the hell are you doing in our room?” I almost dropped Ace on the floor and he had to grab me hard to avoid hitting the floor. The curtains were down and the room was lit with some of Ace’s favorite candles and in the middle of the room my shameless brother was trying to polish his toenails.

she’s back

God knows how many times I tried to write something and I failed, I do the writing a lot, I’m not talking about blogging but writing in some kinda diary, it’s pretty childish but it helps me clear my mind and categorize my thoughts and feelings to make sure it’s not just a manic/depressive mood but me being all normal and acting like other people.
I spent most of the day in some kinda daze, acting as humanly as possible but feeling like zombies and he wasn’t really helping me or he tried his best and I was expecting him to do more than he could, he’s not an angel for sure.
I have asked this question millions of times yet I have no answer, “Why I can never have a normal life?” yes, it’s gonna be boring but I guess I like things that way.

At least I got the answer to so many questions people/me asked, I’m not too happy with the answer but it’s fucking acceptable and convincing.
It’s hard to admit, yet harder to deny, I still have feelings for my ex, nothing sexual, it’s an emotional bond that I killed myself to develop with Ace and I was pretty successful in a different way yet he never tried to understand me 100%, he’s the type that wanna change whatever he doesn’t like and he’s pretty good at making others do as he likes, so am I. I’m hell aggressive when I need that and hard to submit.

My worst nightmare was the day my ex wanted to be part of my baby’s life, I really wanted her to be there but later I changed my mind as I learned to enjoy my family, 2 dads and baby girl, not very perfect yet lovable. I gave up the idea of letting her be part of the family and decided to raise baby girl the way I liked and then she was back, the very time I didn’t expect her at all and I was ready to make her leave us on our own after spending a few hours with my baby.
And I couldn’t make her leave cos she has such a good reason to avoid baby girl, she just wanted to protect her.

The second I saw my ex I knew it was her but she had changed so much I couldn’t accept my mind was telling me the right thing. In front of me stood a very fragile figure in khaki loose pants, an x-large hoodie with a red cap on her head, no sign of long beautiful blond hair, no sign of lively eyes I saw everyday, there was just a tired figure, a bruised and battered soul very different from the woman I loved for so many years. The only positive thing was that baby girl didn’t move either, actually she didn’t recognized her mom so she grabbed daddy’s leg tight seeking for some kinda protection against the unfamiliar woman, very rude behavior for sure but I swear I would do the same if Ace came as well.

The thing I truly hate about him is the times he avoid me and I know there’s something bugging him, I’m pretty good with guessing how others feel cos eyes never lie so at these times he just avoids me and drives me to the edge feeling very pissed off and helpless. He does this annoying behavior a lot when my ex is around, at least this time he showed a bit of sympathy and didn’t shoot her at first sight, besides he let me and her be on our own for over 5 hours that was excruciating to me.

Ace influences me a lot, the best thing he made me do was avoiding to live in the past, so I simply write whatever bugs me down and never look back again, however, she’s different sorta enjoying the past memories to be reviewed every now and then, probably she was one of the reasons it took me so long to forget about my parents or I just didn’t want to let go of the memory.
whatever, she made me review all the last year, the parts she missed in baby girl’s life and she answered some of the questions I had making me feel like a real devil, I know I can be a real pain in the ass but com’on she could have told me at least instead of letting me hate her so much, is hate one easy way to make someone not to love you?

Now she’s back and I want her to stay, she wants to stay too, baby girl cant stand her new mom, she needs some time to adjust and she will love her mom again given the proper time. Ace doesn’t want to talk, he pace around like a wounded animal yet tries his best to be understanding. He has to understand we’re not at wars, I love him a lot, more than I love myself and a little less than baby girl. I lve my ex too but in a different way, I jsut cant hate her cos he’s afraid she makes me hers again. I can’t blame him, he’s too possessive.

I never thought she could have a good reason for all her bad behavior, she had and when I heard it I very much wanted to strangle myself for being so mean to her that she couldn’t tell me the truth in the first place. I cried for her cos no matter the times I hated her so much that I thought hearing her death was a good news, I never wanted her to go through so much pain.
When she sat on my lap, she made me feel so masculine, it’s true with Ace I never feels like that , I’m not complaining just comparing. I never knew I missed her tender touch, her sweet kiss, her smell, her sweetness and baby girl looks so much like her mom (no matter she told me I raised a real dike and baby girl looked like a 3-yr old Nate, only a female one).

****
I didn’t dare touching her breasts, if I could call ‘em so, cos I thought it would hurt her. It sounded so silly she didn’t realize such an obvious thing when she was so careful with every little symptom I showed. Shit it’s so hard to type, I know my feelings yet I cant find words.
She was diagnosed with breast cancer and she went through mastectomy & chemotherapy on her own without saying a word to me, making me think she was one irresponsible mom. she had the simplest reason, she preferred baby girl had no memory of her mom than a sick dying one.
And while she was dealing with all the pain, I was enjoying my new marriage, God I was/am a beast.
Ok, Ok I promised not to beat up myself yet I’m feeling fucking guilty.
*****
I know it was very stupid and well it wasn’t originally my suggestion but Ace’s, me and my ex spent last night in the same room, on the same bed. Nope, we didn’t have any kinda sex, not even close to being naked but a simple cuddling that made me stay awake most of the night.
Luckily the next morning she looked pretty disappointed with not being able to give me a hard-on and I spent a good 30 minutes convincing her it wasn’t cos of her looks but me being gay and loving another guy, at least this made Ace smile and make us breakfast!

She said she wanted to stay here for a while, surely her parents weren’t happy but since sis-in-law convinced them she would look after her, I guess they will let her stay. This means baby girl can spend her days with her mom and aunt and will meet her dads later in the afternoon. To me looks like a good idea cos I never intended to make baby girl think her mom never liked her.

Then comes the conclusion:
I’m very confused, I know I have feelings for her and now that she has a very good reason for whatever she did I just love her more.
Ace tried to be very understanding and he wasn’t really hostile most of the day but whenever she’s too close to me I can feel his anger, he’ll get used to it for sure!
Baby girl doesn’t want to be around her mom cos she looks hell skinnier than daddy and at least daddy has long hair she can pull, mom’s hair is so short you cant really hold it much between your fingers. Anyway I think she will enjoy being with her mom after a while.
Baby girl’s grand parents wanna stay for a week then leave us on our own. I’m happy they’re here so she can have some fun with her grandparents, and wel lI never hated my in-laws.
Sister-in-law(S.I.L) is the happiest of all cos she found some company and well my ex and S.I.L were close friends.

I’m still very confused but sorta happy, I will have this feeling no matter how many words I type. BUT I’m sorta happy, it’s not what I expected yet I’m happy if I stay alive to see baby girl’s 3rd birthday, hopefully with her mom around.

I could see lust and jealousy in Ace’s eyes all morning so with everyone hopefully staying at S.I.L after lunch me and Ace can come back home and some fun of gay kind, I know I don’t have to do it but I wanna satisfy his needs too.

So this must be a happy ending but I’m still feeling confused, I guess I will feel this way for a while till I can accept that me and ex can never live together as a family ever again.

There’s still one more question that she didn’t answer me saying she needed to think, guess I have to wait and feel confused!

coming and being loved (1)

Samuel watched his friend and drinking partner knock another Jack and Coke down, his fifth this afternoon. He put his hand on Victor’s arm when his friend went to wave the bartender down for another. “Look Vic,” he said. “I think you’ve had enough.”
Vic looked at the drop of black liquid still resting like a raindrop on a leaf. He tipped the shot glass back and savored the little drop. “Yeah . . . I guess so.”
Sam was glad to hear his friend agree. “When are you going to tell her?” he asked. He watched Victor’s expression and for a moment was lost in the sorrow filled eyes.
Victor had been a temporary clerk for Samuel’s company. He’d been working the mail room while a replacement was being interviewed. Samuel had been away when the head of the division passed away. The vice-president made arrangements to have someone come in and take over until a more permanent person could be interviewed. By the time Sam returned from his hiatus Victor had done such a great job, the vice-president hired him as the permanent replacement. Sam was introduced to Victor and the two became very good friends.
“Tonight . . . I guess,” Vic answered.
Sam forced his attention back to his friend and gave his arm a firm, gentle squeeze. “I wish I could be there for you,” he told him. He moved his hand down his friend’s arm and curled his fingers around the hand that still clutched the empty glass.
“I know,” Victor replied, his voice hollow.
“I’ve got to get back to the office. You got a cab coming, right?” Sam asked. He didn’t want to leave his friend like this, but since he’d taken such a long hiatus to get over his last relationship, he didn’t want to jeopardize the faith that the company’s stockholders had in him.
“Yeah,” Victor answered. He nodded his head to the bartender. “We have a standing rule. If I knock back three and ask for a fourth he calls a cab.” The bartender chuckled, hearing the conversation. Sam laughed too.
“Well, if I don’t hear from you tonight, I’ll see you tomorrow at work,” Sam said. He stood up and pressed a kiss to his friend’s temple. “I’ll be thinking of you.”
“Thanks,” Vic answered. There was a soft smile on the young man’s face. He watched his lover leave the bar and sighed. “When’s the cab arriving?” he asked Marty.
Marty looked at his watch, “Oh about five more minutes.”
“All right. I’ll take one more and hit the john before I go.”
Marty poured the drink and went back to wiping down the counter. He felt bad for Vic. He’d been coming in here the past couple of months and after the first week he’d finally opened up to Marty. Like many people do with bartenders, he told Marty all about the secret life he’d been living. From the conversation he’d overheard tonight it sounded as if Victor was finally gonna lay it all on the table with his wife and confess.
As Vic left the bar, after the sixth drink, Marty’s mind traveled to his wife and he wondered what he’d do without her if she were about to come home and tell him she was leaving him for another woman. In Vic’s case though, it was the opposite. Vic was about to leave his wife for another man.
Victor sat in the back of the cab and thought about his life. He focused mainly on the last eight years, eight years full of heartache and pain. He loved his wife. She was a great woman. Her smile lit up her face and her eyes spoke volumes when she was at a loss for words. He knew he’d see those eyes doing just that later tonight. Victor could see her clearly, it was as if she were right there beside him. She was his friend really. Samuel was too, but Pamela would always be nothing more than a friend.
They’d gotten married because it seemed like the right thing to do, for him anyway. She’d married him because she was in love with him. He’d married her and he did love her, but mainly he’d married, because it was expected of him. His parents strove to make him the best at everything. He won Scholarships to several big league colleges to play football, something he didn’t care about at all. He knew if he married Pamela and got her pregnant, then he wouldn’t have to leave home. So he stayed her boyfriend through their senior year in High School and into college until she got pregnant. He married her, finished school as a business major instead of the football athlete his parents had hoped for, and continued to keep his secret.
The cabby put the car in park and watched his customer climb out. He’d been picking up drunks and tipsy men from Marty’s Place for years. Each man had their own reasons for drinking and each man had their own story to tell, he figured this fellow’s story wasn’t a good one. He’d only driven the man home a few times. Every time he did though the young man seemed drunk and more depressed. He took his fare and watched the man walk away. “Hey,” he called out. When the man turned, he said, “I’ll be thinking of you. Good luck.”
Vic looked surprised, but touched. “Thanks,” he said. He waved goodbye to the cabby and finished the short trek up his walkway. As he walked, he recalled taking the same path with his Bride. He remembered how excited she was and how much he viewed it as a prison. He knew when he made that first step into the house that he was sealing the door on a life he’d have to keep hidden forever. The footsteps he took now reflected that day. Though the walk was short, it was one of the longest of his life, the exception to this moment, his wedding day.
He unlocked the house and was glad the kids were spending the weekend with Pamela’s parents. Victor tossed his keys to the table and walked to the study. He poured a shot of brandy, downed it quickly, and took a seat. He pressed his palms into his face and rubbed his skin vigorously. “Oh God, give me strength,” he pleaded into the air.
His eyes rested on a silver frame that held a picture of his wedding day, the day he slipped a ring on a delicate hand that touched him in a way he never allowed another woman to touch him. As he held her hand his eyes moved to the onlookers and caught his lover’s stare. He’d come to see if he’d go through with it. When the final words were spoken and they turned to face the group of friends and family, his lover had disappeared, refusing to ever speak to Victor again.
His finger moved over the picture and he traced Pamela’s face and cried. He didn’t want to hurt her, yet he was dying more inside each day. He couldn’t continue. He’d found his match and he owed it to her to come clean . . . he owed it to himself.
He heard the front door open and soon she was there in the doorway of the study. “Hey Hon. You’re home early,” she said. “Everything all right? The kids okay?” she asked.
Victor looked up at her. “Yes, they’re fine. Still having fun at your parents.”
Pamela gave a sigh of relief. “Great,” she said. “You don’t look like your fine though. Something happen at work?” She slipped off her shoes and crossed the room. She saw the picture he was holding and smiled softly. “Can you imagine? Eight years . . . wow.”
“Eight years of marriage . . . but many years before that,” he said quietly.
“I know,” she grinned. She took the picture and held it tight. “I remember this day like it was yesterday. You cried Hon, remember?” She pressed a kiss to his cheek and stood. He watched her place the picture on the table in front of them. “Okay, out with it. What happened at work?”
Pamela could tell something was wrong. He was so distant. He’d been more distant every time he’d come home from work. She knew cutbacks were being made all over the company and he worried about her and the kids. She worked too so they’d be okay; she was about to tell him that, but he took her hand and squeezed it tight.
“I need to tell you a story,” he said to her. His eyes searched hers and she could see the seriousness of his words.
She sat down beside him, looked into his face. She paled and swallowed. “This isn’t about work, is it?” she asked.
“Not really,” he said. “I mean, it involves work, but it isn’t the main thing.”
Her teeth gnawed on her lower lip and she took a deep breath. Her fingers curled into her skirt and she felt the rolling motion of nausea in her stomach. “I don’t want to hear it,” she said.
Suddenly she was on her feet and walking away. She knew he was leaving her. It was there in his face, his body language. He was leaving her. She stopped when he called her name. Her whole being seemed to be lost in a black abyss of pain. “What’s her name?” she asked him. Her back rigid as she waited for the name of his lover to fall from his lips.
“Samuel Winters,” Victor said. Now, he was the one waiting.
She turned around slowly and stared at him. Pamela blinked rapidly for a moment as if she were seeing their lives flash before her eyes. The excitement of the big win that seemed to appear on his face, when he scored the winning point, was replaced by eyes that spoke a thousand words of “who cares.” She saw the look of two male friends joking at a dinner party turn into true looks of desire and hunger. Pamela saw Victor and herself when they made love. During that moment she saw fire and passion, but in truth she fooled herself.
As she stood there remembering their lives as friends, lovers, husband and wife, and finally parents, she realized that she knew long ago this was going to happen.
Pamela slowly closed the distance. It seemed to take a lifetime to reach him; when she did the resounding crack of her hand meeting his face echoed through the room. She beat at his chest with her tiny hands and screamed at him how much she hated him. She yelled at him, pulled at his clothes, and wanted to make him feel how badly she hurt. “You liar! You lied to me!” she screamed over and over. Finally she collapsed against him, his arms wrapped around her and he whispered apologetic words to her.
Several minutes later she pulled away from him and sat down on the chair he’d been sitting in. “I’m sorry,” she said. She sniffled and wiped her eyes and nose. Taking a deep breath, she looked up at him. “Oh God,” she said and took another deep breath. “I think you should start at the beginning.”
Pamela sat there and listened to her husband expose his true self. He told her about the first time he wondered if there was something different about him. He shared with her the time he and one of his baseball teammates explored each other after a junior high ball game. Victor told her how he’d found someone really special in high school and they learned things together. He told her about the time his father confronted him and how his dad delivered the first beating that Victor ever received. He told her how his mother cried, blaming herself for his “disease”; that was what they called it.
Victor painted pictures for her describing the lie he’d been living. He’d sneak away and take care of the desires he had. He told her about keeping the secret bottled up for so long, because he was in so deep. He shared with her how much he loved their kids and how he did love her, but he just couldn’t continue living this way anymore. He reassured her that the lovers he’d taken in the past were clean and he always used protection.
Her voice was monotone when she thanked him for that. She was in shock, he knew this so he squeezed her fingers and told her he’d be leaving, but would give her a number where he could be reached.
He got up and headed to their room. Victor passed his son’s bedroom and glanced at the posters of Sesame Street characters. He chuckled as memories of his son opening up a Christmas present and squealing when Elmo started shaking and singing. Victor took a moment to walk into his daughters’ room. He glanced at the doll houses and the numerous unicorns and ballerina’s. This was going to confuse them. He hoped Pam would agree to join a group or seek some sort of professional guidance for them.
Pam heard him leave an hour later. She stood up and picked up the phone. She dialed the number to his work and asked for her husband’s lover. She waited while the call went through and she kept telling herself to hang up. The voice that came on the line caused her stomach to roll from nervousness. “Hi,” she whispered.
Sam waited for a moment to see if the woman on the other end was going to say more. “Hello . May I help you with something?” he asked when she didn’t add anything else to her hello.
He heard her intake of breath and something inside him clicked. “Pamela?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said. Her voice was shaky and a tear slipped down her cheek. She took a seat at the desk and toyed with a pencil. “Do you love him?” she asked.
“Yes,” Sam answered. “Very much.”
“Oh . . . so do I.”
“I see,” he said. He waved off his secretary when she popped in the door to ask him a question. “Is he there?”
“No. . . he left me your number though. I guess it’s your house number or cell phone?” She rattled off the number and took a deep breath. “You know . . . I guess I always knew.”
“Many do. They just don’t want to see it.”
“Yeah? I guess so,” she sniffed and took a deep breath. “When you see him, tell him I’m okay and we’ll sit down together later this week to talk about the kids.”
“All right. I will,” Sam said.
She was about to hang up when she brought the phone back to her mouth. “Samuel.”
“Yes?”
“He’s special. You know that right?”
Sam smiled into the phone. “Yes, Pamela. I know he is.” He heard her hang up the phone and then he did. He buzzed his secretary and told her he was taking off the rest of the day and he’d see her Monday. She kept her thoughts to herself and agreed to cancel his meetings and reschedule them. He walked out of the office and headed to the parking garage to get his car.
On the way home he stopped and grabbed some Chinese and a bottle of wine. He wasn’t planning on romance this evening. Victor wouldn’t be in the mood for that. Samuel just wanted to be his friend tonight. From this moment on they had all the time in the world to be lovers. He got back onto the highway and was soon lost in thought while he drove toward his future.
He remembered the first time Victor and him hit it off sexually. It wasn’t too long after they’d been introduced at work. Victor had come to deliver a rather large box to Samuel’s office, but his secretary had been out to lunch, so Victor knocked on Sam’s door and asked what he wanted done with it.
Sam had waved him in and held up his hand signaling for Victor to stay a moment. Victor did and while he glanced over the room, Sam found himself studying the man. When Victor finally felt the gaze of the other man he looked back at him and returned the appraisal. Their eyes connected and Sam knew Victor’s pulse quickened, just as his did. That was the beginning. Samuel asked Victor out that night and from then on they were inseparable with the exception of when Victor went home to his wife. That thought would normally bring a sad expression to Sam’s face, but today it didn’t; today Sam was going home to Victor.
Victor was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee when he saw Sam’s car pull in. He grinned and drained the cup dry. He rinsed it out and placed it in the sink. Vic gazed out the window, Sam waved to him. The bottle of wine and Chinese take out was lifted in the air and Sam nodded for Victor to meet him at the front door.
The first thing Samuel noticed when he walked in was the emptiness of his home was gone. He no longer felt alone. He felt at peace. Victor took the wine and pressed his lips to Sam’s. Their tongues touched and slipped along the sides of each others. Though the kiss was short, it spoke volumes and Sam knew that the wine would wait as would the food.
“Let’s put this on ice,” Victor said, taking the bottle of wine from his friend and lover.
Sam agreed and he followed Vic into the kitchen. His eyes moved over his friend’s 6′-2″ figure and he felt himself continuing to respond with each step Victor made. “Vic. . . I don’t know if I can wait till we get upstairs.”
Victor took the Chinese food and placed it in the fridge along with the wine, deciding that the wine would taste just as good coming from the fridge as it would from an ice bucket. “I never said you had to.”
A groan escaped Samuel and he closed the distance between him and Victor. “Oh God Vic. I’ve wanted this for so long. To have you here and know you’ll not be leaving in a few hours.” Sam’s fingers moved into Victor’s hair and he pulled his head toward him. Their mouth’s met again and their tongues began to dance and stroke along side each other’s once more.
Vic felt the sandy surface of Samuel’s tongue and slipped his back and forth over it, increasing the speed. His fingers moved to Sam’s tie and worked it free. He then opened up the buttons of his lover’s shirt until he reached Sam’s slacks. Sam stepped back and shrugged off his sports coat and pulled his dress shirt from his pants. “Oh fuck babe. I’m so hard right now,” Sam groaned.
A laugh erupted from Victor’s throat and his fingers skated up Sam’s chest. He flicked his nipples then pushed the dress shirt off his lover’s shoulders. His fingers skated over Sam’s skin and he brought his lips to his neck. He kissed the warm flesh, pulled it with his teeth, and sucked hungrily from him. “Oh yes, Vic,” Sam muttered.
Victor’s hands moved down to grasp Samuel’s waist and he pulled his hips closer to him. As his tongue traced up his lover’s throat his hands massaged the firm skin. He licked his ear, traced the curve, sucked at that lobe, and then nipped hard. Sam shuddered, his cock jerked and he moved his hand to Victor’s cock. He stroked it through his jeans and pushed hard. His fingers released the button of his fly and both hands worked free the zipper.
“Mmm . . . ,” Vic moaned into Sam’s ear. “I want you baby,” he whispered. He put his hand over Samuel’s and entwined his fingers with his. He brought them to his lips and sucked on each one, watching Sam’s eyes grow thick with hunger. Samuel shivered with lust as he watched Victor move to his knees.
“Ahh Vic. . . oh fuck baby. You know how much I love that,” Sam felt Vic’s tongue lapping at his cock. He watched as Victor helped him remove his shoes. He cooperated while Vic moved his hands up under the pin-striped pants and pulled the black socks off of each leg.
Victor slid his palms over Samuel’s legs, kneading the muscles underneath the soft, expensive material. His eyes locked on Sam’s and he leaned in, ran his tongue over the cloth-covered cock.
“Oh fuck Vic don’t tease me.” Samuel’s cock strained against his pants and he placed his hands on Victor’s shoulders. His fingers curled into the material of the black polo-shirt that Victor was wearing.
Victor smirked and pulled the button from its home and slipped the zipper down until he opened the fly of the pants completely. He then laced his fingers over the waist band and pulled both the pants and the boxers down in one quick jerk. He groaned as he watched the eight inch cock spring free and bob in front of him. Vic licked his lips in anticipation and waited for Sam to step out of his pants.
Samuel watched Victor’s hand move to the inside of his thigh and he felt the grazing touch of his lover’s fingers begin a waltz upon his skin. Victor leaned his head in and slid his tongue over Sam’s velvet package. He pressed it back and forth several times before guiding the first jewel into his mouth. He suckled it, rolled it around his mouth; his teeth grazed it gently. Sam groaned and pushed his fingers into Victor’s thick black hair. “Oh shit baby, suck all of it. Take them both,” he muttered.

Goodbye Mr. The other man

Today I waved Ron goodbye, hopefully the last time to meet him.
It’s hard to admit but Ace was right and Ron was straighter than my granny and  now he’s gone.
Yesterday I spent a while telling my sister-in-law about all the encounters I had with Ron, she knew ‘em all and didn’t care so practically I made an ass of myself.
At least she told me they never had sex cos he was her baby (baby in the sense I call baby girl) and he wasn’t gay, not even bi cos he had a girlfriend back in his hometown and he was going back there cos he had saved enough money in the last year to buy his own place.
I was ready to shoot him last night and in such a big land like AK it’s pretty easy to get rid of bodies and let the animals eat them, that was just an idea!
The most I did was talking to Ron and begging him to confirm whatever sis-in-law said.
And I’m feeling 500% stupid, used, abused, insulted and mentally raped.It was just my own mistake trying to be nice to everyone and believe whatever they do.
I repeated his words all the way back home making me feel worst than ever. he never fancied any other guy before or after meeting me, he just wanted to know how it was like to get in my pants cos Ace did it and pretty enjoyed it. I simply wanted to die. This was my worst crush on a straight man I guess.

Call me silly cos no-one ever does such an obvious mistake, I don’t care, you can even beat me BUT he’s gone forever.
The best thing was that Ace joined me at the airport to make sure he was gone. To my own surprise he kissed me and held my hand all the way back to the truck, something he rarely did back in Boston in front of so many people.

And I have to change cos I behave very badly, like a 14 yr old teen or worse like a slut. I’m a tease, no doubt but I gotta realize that I’m too old for being such things and as a dad and a husband I have hell of responsibilities.

Today is the 3rd month of being married and the last month our relationship went downhill. We need lots of effort to fix it, hopefully we can.
I think me & Ace done enough damage to what was once a marriage now a civil union. The words don’t matter anymore when you can’t communicate all day and at nights you sleep on your side.
It’s so unfair to say this but back in Boston things were a lot better, we had many friends, we had lots of place to go together, we drove our neighbors nuts by the never ending squeaking sound of the bed; here I miss every thing, it’s sill but I miss all the trees in Common, I miss all the shops, I miss the ocean, I miss my granny and friends, I miss my job cos this job is so dull and I miss the sex, the best we had in the last 14-15 days was a 69.
I’m really selfish cos I cant see the fact that he’s happier, baby girl is happier and there are hell of other things in life more important than shopping clothes and spending nights out with my gay friends. I will used to the new circumstances or I have to.
Let’s Stop hurting each other for a while!

I do love him

“He’s my sister’s boyfriend, got it?”
-”Hhhhhmmm, expecting me to buy that?”
“Nope, just saying I won’t say anything.”
-”fuck you.”
********
-”Can you give her a call?”
“She’s probably sleep and I don’t wanna wake everyone up.”
-”I have her cellphone number, just do it for me, she’s not asleep. I know her better than you.”
“Gimme the number.”
-”Thanks.”
**********
“Hi gorgeous, everything’s fine?”
-”yep.”
“May I sit here?”
-”Do if you like….., hhhmm so this boyfriend thing is for real?”
“It can be over if you let me just….”
-”Dare touching me!”
“don’t take everything that serious, ok?”
-”Just fucking die.”
*******
-”you were upstairs?”
“yep, so?”
-”I heard noises.”
“Not too bad then, better than hearing voices.”
-”The bed was squeaking and screaming or was I wrong?”
“what then? It’s so natural. Btw talked with her?”
-”who?”
“baby girl’s mom?”
-”Nope, she hung up on me as usual.she hates me so much and others keep telling me she loves me, bullshit!”
“and you love her, don’t you?”
-”Just shut your fucking mouth up and don’t change the topic, ok?”
“Keep lying to yourself, it does you good.”
-”you’ve seen them together, haven’t you?”
“Who?”
-”Your sister and Ron.”
“Why should I? Incest doesn’t suit me and I don’t drool over any young guy, I have one asshole already.”
-”Seriously, they’re having sex?”
“Guess so, why is it so important to you?”
-”He can’t go for both sex at the same time.”
“Bisexuals don’t exist, right?”
-”yep.”
“So why you married your ex? You had sex with her, didn’t you?she wasn’t just a fag hag to you to cover your sexuality or you wanna deny this?”
-”Just shut up. we’ve talked this million times.”
“and you always gave ridiculous answers, think I’m a fool? I’ve been between you two for God knows how many times and there was always something strong between you two.”
-”Ok I loved her, what the fuck you wanna say? it’s over, it was all a big mistake and we don’t live in the past.”
“Ooooohhhh, you’re saying it.”
-”Just shut up, will you?”
-”I just can’t understand this whole shit. Your sister is screwing a kid and you say nothing.”
“It’s her life and he’s not a kid.”
-”She’s old enough to be his mom.”
“And you weren’t looking for a sugar daddy?”
-”That was a joke.”
“No, it wasn’t, you know it, I know it and he knows it as well. Com’on you weren’t that perfect but your boss closed his eyes on your mistakes, need more?”
-”Shut up.”
“so hard to hear the truth? I’m not as stupid or as blind as you think, I just……”
-”Go to hell.”
“You want everyone to do as you like, say what you want and don’t tell you the obvious. You’re a whore and you know it.”
-”So why you married me? Want another STD test or should I go get condoms?”
“You’re talking crap so you better shut up.”
-”What if I don’t?”
“I’m going home.”
********
-”I’m sorry for whatever i said. You think I’m a whore?
“Nope, you’re just a bit naughty and you know what…….”
-”What?”
“I love you.”
-”Urrgghh you’re so gay.”
“You make me so.”
-”Can I ask you something?”
“shoot.”
-”With a gun?”
-” Ok, OK. tell me about Ron and your sister.”
“What about them?”
-”It won’t last, right?”
“Hhhmmm I doubt. At least she’s not alone for a while and wtf he’s cute and horny.”
-”He hadn’t a crush on me, had he?”
“You won’t hit me if I say he’s straight as your granny?”
-”shut up, don’t say compare him with my granny. He had a boyfriend.”
“Oh, and they never had sex and he just stayed with him for a few days, stop confusing yourself with your own crap.”
-”So why he flirts with me?”
“Cos you’re so cute.”
-”I’m not listening.”
“You’re a queer and make other guys queer too?”
-”You mean it?”
“Nope.”
“Remember the first time we talked about sex. I was this naive virgin fag and you were sharing whatever you thought was right?”
-”so?”
“Remember the straight curious ones?”
-”He’s one o ‘em?”
“Let’s say so?”
-”Those guys don’t flirt with their gay friends.”
“another crazy theory of yours?”
-”whatever.”
-”What should I do now?”
“give him whatever he wants.”
-”And you won’t be jealous?”
“I will.”
-”Ace you’re not really helping me.”
“what about you two together and me watching?”
-”3-sum?”
“yep.”
-”Gotta think about it.”
“fucking whore, you wanna do it? what about being faithful?”
-”You suggested yourself.”
“You know just ignore him but every now and then flirt with him when he was thinking dirty about you. He’ll get bored with you soon.”
-”What about you? Will you get bored too?”
“Never, you’re so crazy you never let me have a normal life, let alone getting bored.”
-”Thank you. I think I love you.”
“Dare not!”
*********************
As I sleep by his side, feeling warm and secure in his arms with his breath caressing my neck, I keep on thinking of the coming days, future frightens me but I’m not alone and I’m sure I wont be alone.
I try my best not to hurt him again cos I really love him and there’s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the arms of the one you really love.

The other…man

Ace looked at me like I was an alien when he came in from the shopping, and saw me grabbing my jacket. “Where are you going?”
I realized I hadn’t told him about the party, only that I had to cancel. “Office Party; I’d forgotten about it.” I shrugged. “Don’t have anything better to do tonight.”
The hurt look on Ace’s face confused me, but I didn’t have the time to try to figure out his mood; I was already going to be late. I laughed at the random thought that I might actually meet Ron, and I grinned. “Don’t wait up.” I was sure I’d be home by ten.
The party was, as predicted, a complete slosh fest. It was a good thing I wasn’t fond of alcohol. I ended up having to take four of my co-workers home. They lived all over town, so I didn’t make it back home until after one in the morning. I walked in to find Ace sitting in his briefs, looking bleary-eyed at the TV, with a mostly empty bottle of beer on the table. The way his head moved, I knew he was smashed.
I sighed as he looked up at me, and I took off my coat. “What’re you doing, Ace?”
He sniffed at me. “Waiting up.”
That was obvious, but what I really wanted to know was why. “Yeah, I can see that.” It didn’t look like he’d been crying, but I suspected once I’d settled down some place, I’d have a wet shoulder again. “Mind if I get out of these things?”
He shook his head, and wobbled a little, so I went back to my room to change. Formal clothes sucked; I was going to change into an old T and some sweats. If he threw up, nothing would be ruined. It took me a moment to realize that Ace was standing in the doorway, watching me as I changed.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Tell you what? That I had an office party?” I shrugged. “I told you; I forgot.”
“No.” He wobbled a little, and looked more upset. “Why didn’t you tell me Ron is here?”
I froze. I didn’t want an irrational drunk on my hands. Fuck, why hadn’t I seen that coming? I hedged. “What are you talking about, Ace? What makes you think I must tell you about who lives here and who doesn’t? Besides I didn’t know myself till this morning.”
He turned, took a couple steps to the kitchen table, “Not about everyone but him.”
“And what makes him so important?”
“Cos he kissed you.”
I was in the denial sense so I just said:”What makes you think like that?”
“This.” he opened his hand and showed me my cellphone I couldn’t find back in the afternoon.
I pulled up my sweats and walked out to take a look. On the screen was the little picture of me with Ron’s arms wrapped tightly around me and his face close enough for a kiss.
He glared angrily at me; yeah, he’d liquored up enough to unhinge the emotional doors. “I’m not stupid. You can’t find any excuse. I saw more than that picture and you were too busy you didn’t even hear me calling you when I got home.”
For me it was like a surreal nightmare. I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of someone seeing us. I was so screwed. I was looking at him in horror when he turned around.
Tears were running down his face. “You keep telling me we’re best friends, lovers, partners and hell of stupid things, and I don’t even know who you are.”
God that hurt. When Ace unhinged, his heart was on his sleeve. The pain in his voice wasn’t from what I did; it was from my hiding it from him. I couldn’t meet the hurt in his eyes, so I looked at the floor. “I’m sorry.”
He practically yelled at me. “I don’t care if you’re sorry! I want to know why!” Ace seldom got loud, even when he was drunk, and his outburst caught me off guard.
“Why what? Why I kissed him?” I was getting pissed. “I don’t know, Ace. I didn’t want to, I didn’t even know he was back. He just came outta nowhere. He kissed me, I didn’t. It meant nothing!”
He looked down. “You could have told me.”
He was such a hypocritical prick. I waved at him as my frustration built. I had no idea I’d even been frustrated until it hit me; at that point, I couldn’t stop myself. “You never tell anyone anything, Ace! Unless you’re drunk! When you do finally start talking, I can’t tell what you’re saying half the time because when you’re liquored up enough to say anything you’re slurring!” I paused to think a bit “And you promised me never ever get drunk again, didn’t you?”
He looked like he was going to spit something back at me, but I stepped in and snarled, “What would have been the point? You’d have just thought the way you like without listening to me anyway!”
He suddenly looked like he was going to be sick. I grabbed his arm and dragged him into the bathroom. He didn’t throw up, but he didn’t look all that steady. I’d had enough. He knew, so what? I couldn’t talk with him while he was shit-faced. Yanking back the shower curtain, I cranked on the cold water and hefted him in. “You want to talk? Get your white ass sober, and I’ll think about it!”
He called me everything he could think of, and a lot of things that weren’t words, as I chilled the drunk out of him. The bathroom floor and I were soaked when he finally stopped fighting me.
He was shivering and mumbling “enough” when I shut off the shower. God he looked miserable, and I felt guilty. The shower had chilled out my anger as well. I pulled him out and he kind of melted against me while he shivered. I wrapped him up in a towel, roughly dried him off, and guided him back to the couch. “I’ll make some coffee.”
Ace watched silently from the couch, in his soaked briefs and the towel, as I made a big pot and brought out the first mugs. He looked a lot more alert, and a lot sadder. We drank down our first mugs in silence. I didn’t need the coffee, I was wound up enough, but it was easier to have him mimic me than try and force him to drink alone.
“How are you feeling,” I asked. Any conversation was better than nothing.
“Like my head’s full of cotton; not drunk, but not hung yet.” He winced a little and then frowned at me. “You’re a bastard, you know that?”
I grinned. “Yeah, you said that in the shower.”
He looked back at his mug. “I’m sorry I yelled.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
He shrugged. “I didn’t want to shout at you.Just look at things from my point, you come home and find your partner nowhere than another guy’s arms”
Sighing, he lifted his mug. “Bartender, give me a double?”
I grinned. “Sure.”
He sipped the mug after I handed it back, and cradled it in his hands. He wasn’t shivering any more. “I guess I’ve been trying to get you to tell me but you found another excuse to go out on your own.”
“It wasn’t an excuse, I had to go.”
“Was he there too?”
I got up to get myself some water as I nodded at him.
The next second he was standing right behind me pressing me hard to the fridge. “So tell me what happened there?”
“Nothing.” I pushed my nails into his palms and he let me go.
Inside the fridge was my favorite chocolates waiting for me.
“Hershey’s kisses, oh my God. Where do you get it from?”
I was touched. I’d never expected him to spend time trying to find me things like chocolates. “I really love these.” I unwrapped one and put it in my mouth.
Nodding, he took another sip of his coffee. His eyes never left me. “So, are you going to tell me why?”
“Why.” I stuck my chocolate covered tongue at him.
He set down his cup and stared at me. “I’ve spent all night worrying that if you were hiding this, that maybe you were hiding other stuff too. I’m scared,Nate. You’ve always told me about the love, trust and respect we need to stay together and now I’m not sure I can trust you.”
I looked at my hands. “Do you remember all the good times we had together? All the things I told you about my past?”
He grinned. “Yeah.”
I swallowed my chocolate and tried to meet his eyes. “There’s nothing between me and him, believe me.”
“Never done anything with him?”
I opened my mouth to say “never” but I hate lying to him, I bit my lips before saying “Once gave him a handjob, that was all.”
That seemed to blind-side him. He stared at me, and I could see the “Ace security wall” come up. “How dare you?”
I stood up. “That’s why I never told you. It wasn’t that I didn’t value our friendship, Ace. You’re my best friend, my partner, my lover and I do love you. But you don’t wanna see the reality.” He continued to stare in silence. I wasn’t going to get anything more out of him at that point. “I’m going to bed. If you want to talk more later, cool.”
I left him sitting on the couch being distant-Ace. The moment the discussion had turned to something really worth-talking, like the fact that he could look at things differently, he’d shut down. There was no way I was going to explain things to him. It took me forever to get to sleep; I kept worrying about what was going to happen. I woke mid-morning to find Ace sleeping on his side of bed. I got outta bed and left the room grabbing  some clothes and my laptop.
I crawled inside baby girl’s room and thought of sleeping by her side but looked impossible without waking her up so I just left her sleep sweetly.
I spent a while sitting motionless on the sofa and thinking of nothing then felt tired and thought of taking some sleeping pills and get some sleep, later I changed my mind.

So after 4 fucking hours I’m still awake and waiting for him to wake up. I wish all happened yesterday was one silly story popped outta my mind and I could add a good fuck and end it happily, shit that sounds impossible. If only I knew who was writing my story.
Now the sun is spreading his weak rays to win the night, I have this feeling I really don’t wanna talk to him unless he tries to see things my way, I’m going out for a walk, this sofa is so uncomfortable.
***********************************
No matter how hard I try to keep my life anonymous and write nothing much here, there are times it looks so impossible.
A few may know about the other man in my life, for those who doesn’t know:
Ron was my co-worker while I lived  here with my ex. I never paid much attention to him till he caught me and my now partner (husband?!) kissing at the backyard of my office. Being still married and living in a very small town not very gay-friendly we didn’t want anyone know about the feelings we had so we bribed Ron anyway we could to keep his mouth shut. I dunno why when or how but he had a crush on me while I had a bigger crush on Ace. I ignored Ron and he moved on.
Cutting the long story short, somehow he told me about his feelings and I stopped being his friend, later he got back outta nowhere hurt and miserable from the only boyfriend he found himself and me being very mad at Ace, I met him at Logan and gave him a handjob in a public toilet and that was all before things got very serious between me and Ace and we decided to get married. Anyhow, Ron came back to Boston for the wedding and he stayed, and I helped him as a friend, I even asked him to join my team and he accepted but when Ace found out he made me get rid of him and I even escorted him to the airport making sure he was outta our lives.
And yesterday he was back and I was too shocked to stop him from kissing me.
It’s all silly how hard Ace try to keep him away from me and he keeps on coming back. It’s not really my fault someone else has a crush on me. I’m not that special but wtf I had my own crushes on straight guys and I just shut my mouth and disappeared. The least Ron could do was disappearing for the sake of our friendship.
Sometimes Ace pisses me off with not listening to me. It’s ridiculous when it’s ok seeing me kissing, hugging and sometimes flirting with other guys but when they want to respond he gets all possessive, jealous and protective.
To me homosexual relationships are not mostly about being monogamous and cheating doesn’t mean the same as it is to others. When my partner knows about the other one then it’s not cheating.
I’m tired of waiting so I’m going for a walk with the sun shining brightly.Whatever Ace wants to think, let him think. He gotta be mad at his own sister for letting Ron live with her pretending to be her (20 years younger) boyfriend when she knows he’s gay. I’m just so surprised how she didn’t tell the truth to her brother.
I’m just tired of my life looking like a boring stupid soap, it sucks & I need a happy ending.
I guess I leave him a note to check my blog cos I’m not in the mood of explaining.
Question: How can I get rid of someone who had a crush on me?!

Random

Lines in red are what I thought when reading or texting)
When God says “Alright”, He gives you what you want;
When He says “wait”, He will give you a better thing;
When He says “No”, He’s preparing the best for you. (Ohhhhhh, sigh!)
How ya hon? How’s ur man? … is just open at nights?(How can I know? I’m not working there nor I’m www.knowwhateveryouwant.com!)
sent @ 9.00 pm by a friend
*****
Hey, happy random day. I’m fine. He’s pretty better. How ya?
… is usually open after 8 till 11pm, weekends may be different. (Just asked my man and he told me so! & why I should bother asking for exact time when you wanna go out with your someone?! ;-p)
sent @ 9.05 by moi
******
Merci,thanks. I’m busy. I wanted to go out with you to… next Monday or Tuesday, but in the morning!Today I got a software for my work that has a month evaluation. sent @ 9.09 pm by the same friend (merci? WTF!?? In the morning? Don’t you have work to do?…. Get a registered version then, or if that was a hint so I get you one, never ever!)
*****
I’ll play theater for you myself, how about movies? (movies was just a random thought!)
sent @ 9.12 pm by moi
******
Nah, I’ve never gone to …! What does the gallery in …exhibit? If not there, I guess we gotta go to the movie. (WTF! D.I.Y I don’t wanna go out with you anymore!)
sent @ 9.14 pm by the same friend
*****
Gotta ask, when do u wanna go?
sent @ 9.18 pm by moi
******
For me, Monday @ lunchtime is fine. We can eat a little lunch & go.(lunchtime is in the morning!!!!)
sent @ 9.21 pm by the same friend
****
Ok I’ll check & contact with u
G’night (WTF, I’ll do for the sake of being Mr. Nice!)
sent @ 9.23 pm by moi

Notes: This friend is a very special friend I haven’t met for a long while, we were very close friends back at high school so close that we always woke each other up very early in the mornings (4-5ish am) for different reasons; later I chose Material Engineering @ somewhere not that bad and he chose Economics somewhere else and he was pretty jealous of me at first but later I decided just to quit and live a normal gay life while he’s now a few steps away from getting his PhD and earning big big bucks!
Note2: Our friendship had nothing to do with me being gay, he’s straight, single and not thinking of seeing anyone right now. We chose very different parts, somehow I feel he did a lot better than me!
Note3: I really tried hard to meet him on different occasions but he’s too busy, he can’t fit himself in a arrangement both sides agree, you gotta find some time to meet him, if he’s not too busy to forget his promise!
Note4: Never mind, I’ll be back home for Monday so I may go see him or I gotta post his birthday surprise!!!!
Note5: I’ve asked this friend out umpteen times, he was busy. I begged him to come to our home but he wasn’t in the mood of driving that far. I asked him to let him go to his place and he said NOOOOOOOOO!)
*****************
I’m feeling some kinda blah, it’s so cold here and I’m sick and wanna go back home but baby girl and Ace are really enjoying themselves *~*
Ace said I’m writing too many random things about myself and gotta stop it (d’oh!). There’s just one more thing bothering me, I’ll write about it later then I will just stick to erotic stuff!
I’m sorry for posting this way, hope you’re not bored yet!

Shut up fag

Chatting aimlessly (aimless for me cos I was waiting for dinner and had nothing to do) with Jay about random things, we reached the point that he simply told me to shut up, that wasn’t a nice thing to be told when you’re not expecting it. I felt a bit offended but giving it a second thought I think he was very polite not to tell me “fuck off or shut your fucking mouth up”.
I think lately I’m crossing other people’s lines easily without thinking about it and I just go “yeah that’s cool to say whatever crap I like and expect others to accept it.”.
Now I can see why Ace is so quiet round others, pinching me and whispering in disagreement, I have a very sharp tongue opposing others, challenging everything just because I feel I’m 100% right. NAH, very wrong I am.
So I’m sitting on the patio in this freaking cold weather, eating cornflakes and reviewing my own reactions happened the day before and now I can see things a bit clear. You can change laws by force but you can’t change people’s beliefs that way.

There’s something very weird about this town, it’s like home and it’s like a new start every morning. I’ve made very big decisions and faced hell of new challenges here like marrying my long-time best friend, buying my very own house, acting like a responsible familyman, losing a very lovely baby girl, falling in love with the guy I hardly have anything in common, divorcing my baby’s mom and realizing I cant stop life no matter how hard I try and I can name a lot more.

Now I’m back here and I’m just feeling like the first day I stepped on this mysterious rough land. I’m not the guy I was 2 years ago but still I’m too stubborn to accept that I made big mistakes as much as others did.

I was very disappointed with my friends but I guess they felt worse. I was back to somewhere I never truly felt like home and he looked happy seeing his sister again so she decided to throw a party for the newly-wed guys, very nice of her.
I think I’ve mentioned before but I’m just reviewing things. Me and my ex were room-mates back in school time. She was this very cool nice kind room-mate, I was lucky to have and it was a creepy small place so there was this clear rule “NO sex at home”.
I was this very naive 18yr old kid, miles away from home and just trying to figure out how much gayness I had in my blood so one night stands were just a hobby. As far as I can remember my ex had a boyfriend at that time but I cant remember well cos of the rule we had.
We were pretty good room-mates just minding our own business and ignoring the other and we had piles of thick books always waiting for us. I’m not sure how it happened but it happened and we became best friends talking about anything and everything. After a while we decided to move to a bigger cleaner place and very randomly I asked her out and I dunno why we called it a date. The following years were pretty the same for her, focusing on her books and trying to finish her university; randomly she introduced me to her parents as her boyfriend just to keep her mom off her back so she had reasons to stay away from her family and she was very faithful to me.
On the other hand I had a lot to discover, officially she was my girlfriend but I was still seeing other people specially guys. I was on a crazy roller coaster with a sick mind trying to figure things out my own way, trying anything and everything and proving nothing than the fact I couldn’t end my life, attempted suicide twice, spent a while in a hospital and then things went pretty smooth as she remained my best and only friend.
I dunno when or how but I fell in love with her, I wanted her cos she was a good listener, my feelings for her where just emotional, surely we tried it physically but she wasn’t the one I fancied.
She knew she was just one dear friend to me but I dunno why she wanted more outta our relation. I loved kids but having one of my own was a nightmare besides there was a high risk of inheriting those twisted genes and I really didnt want another OC kid in the family beside myself.
On a daily basis we almost had no sex and if had, I was so careful not to get her pregnant and I thought she was as careful as me, even more. I was really wrong, she wanted a baby with me.
I tried really hard to make her get rid of the baby, I begged her, threatened her, did whatever I could, even left her but she kept the baby.
It was a very tough 5 months till she called and told me the baby born a month early, that’s one bad thing happening to a kid. I did prayed for her death and it was a weird feeling cos I sorta don’t follow any thing called religion.
After a while she and the baby went home and I decided remain the biological dad and live my own life. I started very straight, then somehow I couldnt resist sleeping with some hot guys, then I got tired and felt very ashamed thinking religion was the only way I could survive (this wasn’t my own discovery, actually someone made me look at the world that way and accept that homosexuality was a big a sin.)

Cutting the long story short, after 6 months I made my mind to embrace life as straightly as I could. To my own surprise she let me back in her life but she was leaving my lovely Boston to start a new life in an icy hell aka Alaska and I just followed her, determined to be her Mr. Right and a good dad.

I wasn’t too sure of my ability to stay monogamous and faithful so I thought making a strong bond like a marriage would make me keep my vows.
There was no party no cake, just me, my ex, her parents and a friend of mine.

And a new life started, I earned pretty good, we had a happy family and it was just getting used to the rough weather. Being Alaska and living in a small city I really had no chance of finding a fuck buddy so me and my ex focused on something else, a new baby. 2 babies could keep me very busy.

After a while I got bored, there was nowhere to go, no Fenway, No nightclub, No gay bar, Not even a gay couple, nothing.
I started flirting with random women just to stop thinking about guys, soon I got bored and again there was me and one dirty friend, Internet. Chatting on-line looked pretty fine, no harm to her, no harm to me.
The more me and my ex lived together, the less common things we found, her mom really hated me and I wasn’t anything close to her prince charming, I had the money , I’m not that ugly and I loved baby girl but she was tired of all my manic and depressive moods and with long cold boring winters here I really couldnt get rid of my depression easily. We had endless arguments, yet we tried to look like the perfect family round our friends, she wanted everything perfect and I was really tired of pretending to be someone I wasn’t.
After 6 months watching her getting fatter with the little baby in her womb I asked her to just get outta town and have some fun in a bigger city. I wanted to make her happy and sorta I wanted to meet the guy I’d been chatting with for a while.
It was one of the worst trips of my life I really dont wanna remember, in the shortest way I can say, we lost the little baby and somehow the bond that kept me and my ex together broke.
I may look indifferent when hearing about someone’s death but it’s exactly the opposite. I’ve lost very wonderful people in my life that I wasn’t the kinda person to give my ex some hope to move on. I really needed a push myself and I couldn’t understand why on earth I had to lose my closest ones so easily.
To my own surprise I didn’t fall in my depressive mood but the opposite so I pretty ignored my ex and tried to know my e-guy better.
after a while I found a job in the city he lived (still Alaska) and made my family move with me, he moved in too.
I was never seriously & emotionally engaged with another guy. I wanted him as a family member but to him I was just a fuck buddy.Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things in my life and it wasn’t a good experience.
We went back to the little town she loved and tried to start again, I really tried my best but there was no end to our arguments, still she tried to pretend we were one happy family.
I was so determined to have a normal family and play straight after being dumped by my ex-boyfriend or the other way round, I can say I tried really hard to be a good dad and a good husband but things didnt go well.
I digress, among her friends there was this 40ish woman she was really close that I can say she was my ex’s best friend, let’s call her G.
G had a brother who lived in a village near Bering sea, I’d met him a few times but never tried to know him cos he was mysteriously silent and quiet and really not interested in anything I liked.
I don’t remember why he decided to stay a while with his sister; I just know I had to keep his company while the girls were having some fun. He was boringly minding his own business so most of the times I ignored him and did whatever I felt like doing but somehow I got used to his presence.
Me and my ex still had lots of fights and arguments and divorce was something to be mentioned every now and then , yet we tried to remain as a family.

I really can’t say why I fell in love with him, we just went fishing, digging holes and talking about random things and it just happened like the most natural thing in the world, we kissed and since then I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
***********
I’m all numb sitting in the cold for so long and this wasn’t really the kinda thing I wanted to say. Whatever surely you can guess the rest and I will find another time writing what I wanted to say, I’m going inside!

Missing parts of my puzzle

*. this is not a story, this is just me clearing my mind and get rid of some old memories

I really had enough of all the shit surrounding me, Ok I accept I’m one lucky proud guy who’s not thankful to anyone and anything but wtf, that’s me.
I’m tired of all this headache, I have tried as many pills I could think of but nothing got better.
I have this not very pleasant pain in each and every particle making my body and I really don’t know how to start.
There’s this fact I can’t deny, you attract people of your own kind. So having plenty of jerkass friends in my life means definitely I’m one of them.

I have no idea where to start but I really need it off my chest.
I never had many girlfriends, thinking more carefully I can say there was just one I truly loved and we lived together for a good 5-6 years beside knowing each other for more than 8 years. For the boyfriend part, I had plenty I really loved but all of ‘em(except one) were real assholes or better say we were just fuck buddies, nothing really nice when you want to love someone and expect him to love you pretty the same way.
Now that I look back I see it wasn’t all their fault when I wasn’t this gentleman myself. I could never be Mr. right for anyone when I pretty tried many things. I used to blame everything on having bipolar disorder but to be fair I enjoyed that life, I enjoyed doing not very pleasant things and I was never monogamous so all I can say is that I was a lucky bitch, it’s a miracle I have no STD.
…………..
I attempted suicide 4 times that means I’m no big fan of living a long life, my worst nightmare was celebrating my 25th birthday that I did and since then I pretty gave up trying to end my life, so I decided to change. I cant say I was successful but at least I tried, I tried many things like learning about other religions, trying to love others no matter what color they are, giving up any addiction and having a straight family of my own.
The results wasn’t what I expected. I’m not atheist but I don’t follow any religion unfortunately and there’s this very big gap in my soul I can’t fill. I still don’t like Asians, Africans and Afro-Americans but I’m a big fan of people living in North pole.
The one thing I never truly tried to change was my attraction to guys. Surely I lied a lot but I never denied how I felt about other guys. I dunno, probably if I accepted the reality and stopped trying to be bisexual, things could be better.
Fortunately or unfortunately I married a woman, the only woman I thought I loved beside my own family. Honestly I don’t know why we did it cos she knew I wouldn’t change and I didn’t want to have a monogamous life with her. she was a very good friend but sex was always boring we pretty avoid it as much as we could and I wanted to find a Mr. Right.
…………………………..
3 years ago I could imagine my own funeral but having a baby girl and trying to be her dad were things I never thought of.
I dunno insisting to have her custody was the right thing to do but her mom didn’t want her since the time I decided to see my own baby and be her dad. (For the first 6 months of her life, I hated her so much the only thing that could make me happy was her death and ridiculously I prayed for that, thanks hell nobody listened to me!)
…………….
I tried really hard not to judge my ex, not to hate her, not to bitch about her but I really cant do it anymore. I risked his love to bring my baby’s mom back to her life and now I can see why he hates her so much, he has very good reasons.
I hadn’t talked to her for a long time but I needed to tell her how much she was missed in the little girl’s life and how sad she looks seeing other babies having their moms around so i called her again and again till she answered. It was really short but she said whatever she wanted in a 5-page letter neatly written and scanned.
it’s so silly but I’m not feeling angry anymore.
hhhhhmmmm it’s hard to say but she was never the normal mom worrying about her baby when she’s sick, hungry…., she always wanted her to act like grown-ups telling me I spoil her, I didn’t and I can say she’s more mature then me in many ways.
I think for the first time in my life I have to retreat and accept that she cant have a mom like many other kids. I wont tell her that her mom never wanted her and I wait till she’s old enough to realize it herself. The thing that I really cant understand is the obvious paradox in what she said and what she did. As much as I want to say lots of bad things about her, I cant, I dunno why, may be I still love her as a good friend who knows.
Whatever I keep my mouth shut and say nothing, at least I’m feeling a lot better now.
……………………………….
As he said last night, for the first time since we fell in love I want to let him decide cos I really don’t want to have arguments like the one we had last night or our neighbors will really call the police next time.
I got our passports yesterday but I’m gonna cancel the booked tickets and put all my energy on selling our home and saving money.
I dunno whether I’m too extravagant or he’s too stingy or something else, he thinks having a bigger home in a more proper location is more important than an expensive honeymoon, besides my ex’s lawyer contacted me and told me she wanted to give my apartment back (sorta feeling guilty I guess or my parents scared her in her dreams :-p).
So I let him decide this time after he promised to give me some money for a honeymoon even without him!
I dunno if I’m doing the right thing or not, I hope I do.
I really want to forget my ex and start a new life with him and baby girl, having two dads can be fun.
He suggested going back to Alaska for a little fun after finishing my project, I think I can finish it today so probably with a good luck and finding tickets we’ll spend the coming days in the land of ice and snow.
Spending all last night looking at albums, crying and burning photos, I think I miss there a bit besides I never had time to see his little hut and I think it’s time to see his place.
………………………………….
4.5.06 I married the mother of my lovely baby girl, it was a life of its own with its experiences and lessons.
4.5.08 I’m still married but to someone I truly love. The more I think, the more I want to spend tomorrow feeling miserable in a plane than thinking about 2 years ago.
sometimes we have to bury old memories and move on, I guess at last I managed to do that (a bit).