Goodbye Mr. The other man

Today I waved Ron goodbye, hopefully the last time to meet him.
It’s hard to admit but Ace was right and Ron was straighter than my granny and  now he’s gone.
Yesterday I spent a while telling my sister-in-law about all the encounters I had with Ron, she knew ‘em all and didn’t care so practically I made an ass of myself.
At least she told me they never had sex cos he was her baby (baby in the sense I call baby girl) and he wasn’t gay, not even bi cos he had a girlfriend back in his hometown and he was going back there cos he had saved enough money in the last year to buy his own place.
I was ready to shoot him last night and in such a big land like AK it’s pretty easy to get rid of bodies and let the animals eat them, that was just an idea!
The most I did was talking to Ron and begging him to confirm whatever sis-in-law said.
And I’m feeling 500% stupid, used, abused, insulted and mentally raped.It was just my own mistake trying to be nice to everyone and believe whatever they do.
I repeated his words all the way back home making me feel worst than ever. he never fancied any other guy before or after meeting me, he just wanted to know how it was like to get in my pants cos Ace did it and pretty enjoyed it. I simply wanted to die. This was my worst crush on a straight man I guess.

Call me silly cos no-one ever does such an obvious mistake, I don’t care, you can even beat me BUT he’s gone forever.
The best thing was that Ace joined me at the airport to make sure he was gone. To my own surprise he kissed me and held my hand all the way back to the truck, something he rarely did back in Boston in front of so many people.

And I have to change cos I behave very badly, like a 14 yr old teen or worse like a slut. I’m a tease, no doubt but I gotta realize that I’m too old for being such things and as a dad and a husband I have hell of responsibilities.

Today is the 3rd month of being married and the last month our relationship went downhill. We need lots of effort to fix it, hopefully we can.
I think me & Ace done enough damage to what was once a marriage now a civil union. The words don’t matter anymore when you can’t communicate all day and at nights you sleep on your side.
It’s so unfair to say this but back in Boston things were a lot better, we had many friends, we had lots of place to go together, we drove our neighbors nuts by the never ending squeaking sound of the bed; here I miss every thing, it’s sill but I miss all the trees in Common, I miss all the shops, I miss the ocean, I miss my granny and friends, I miss my job cos this job is so dull and I miss the sex, the best we had in the last 14-15 days was a 69.
I’m really selfish cos I cant see the fact that he’s happier, baby girl is happier and there are hell of other things in life more important than shopping clothes and spending nights out with my gay friends. I will used to the new circumstances or I have to.
Let’s Stop hurting each other for a while!

The other…man

Ace looked at me like I was an alien when he came in from the shopping, and saw me grabbing my jacket. “Where are you going?”
I realized I hadn’t told him about the party, only that I had to cancel. “Office Party; I’d forgotten about it.” I shrugged. “Don’t have anything better to do tonight.”
The hurt look on Ace’s face confused me, but I didn’t have the time to try to figure out his mood; I was already going to be late. I laughed at the random thought that I might actually meet Ron, and I grinned. “Don’t wait up.” I was sure I’d be home by ten.
The party was, as predicted, a complete slosh fest. It was a good thing I wasn’t fond of alcohol. I ended up having to take four of my co-workers home. They lived all over town, so I didn’t make it back home until after one in the morning. I walked in to find Ace sitting in his briefs, looking bleary-eyed at the TV, with a mostly empty bottle of beer on the table. The way his head moved, I knew he was smashed.
I sighed as he looked up at me, and I took off my coat. “What’re you doing, Ace?”
He sniffed at me. “Waiting up.”
That was obvious, but what I really wanted to know was why. “Yeah, I can see that.” It didn’t look like he’d been crying, but I suspected once I’d settled down some place, I’d have a wet shoulder again. “Mind if I get out of these things?”
He shook his head, and wobbled a little, so I went back to my room to change. Formal clothes sucked; I was going to change into an old T and some sweats. If he threw up, nothing would be ruined. It took me a moment to realize that Ace was standing in the doorway, watching me as I changed.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Tell you what? That I had an office party?” I shrugged. “I told you; I forgot.”
“No.” He wobbled a little, and looked more upset. “Why didn’t you tell me Ron is here?”
I froze. I didn’t want an irrational drunk on my hands. Fuck, why hadn’t I seen that coming? I hedged. “What are you talking about, Ace? What makes you think I must tell you about who lives here and who doesn’t? Besides I didn’t know myself till this morning.”
He turned, took a couple steps to the kitchen table, “Not about everyone but him.”
“And what makes him so important?”
“Cos he kissed you.”
I was in the denial sense so I just said:”What makes you think like that?”
“This.” he opened his hand and showed me my cellphone I couldn’t find back in the afternoon.
I pulled up my sweats and walked out to take a look. On the screen was the little picture of me with Ron’s arms wrapped tightly around me and his face close enough for a kiss.
He glared angrily at me; yeah, he’d liquored up enough to unhinge the emotional doors. “I’m not stupid. You can’t find any excuse. I saw more than that picture and you were too busy you didn’t even hear me calling you when I got home.”
For me it was like a surreal nightmare. I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of someone seeing us. I was so screwed. I was looking at him in horror when he turned around.
Tears were running down his face. “You keep telling me we’re best friends, lovers, partners and hell of stupid things, and I don’t even know who you are.”
God that hurt. When Ace unhinged, his heart was on his sleeve. The pain in his voice wasn’t from what I did; it was from my hiding it from him. I couldn’t meet the hurt in his eyes, so I looked at the floor. “I’m sorry.”
He practically yelled at me. “I don’t care if you’re sorry! I want to know why!” Ace seldom got loud, even when he was drunk, and his outburst caught me off guard.
“Why what? Why I kissed him?” I was getting pissed. “I don’t know, Ace. I didn’t want to, I didn’t even know he was back. He just came outta nowhere. He kissed me, I didn’t. It meant nothing!”
He looked down. “You could have told me.”
He was such a hypocritical prick. I waved at him as my frustration built. I had no idea I’d even been frustrated until it hit me; at that point, I couldn’t stop myself. “You never tell anyone anything, Ace! Unless you’re drunk! When you do finally start talking, I can’t tell what you’re saying half the time because when you’re liquored up enough to say anything you’re slurring!” I paused to think a bit “And you promised me never ever get drunk again, didn’t you?”
He looked like he was going to spit something back at me, but I stepped in and snarled, “What would have been the point? You’d have just thought the way you like without listening to me anyway!”
He suddenly looked like he was going to be sick. I grabbed his arm and dragged him into the bathroom. He didn’t throw up, but he didn’t look all that steady. I’d had enough. He knew, so what? I couldn’t talk with him while he was shit-faced. Yanking back the shower curtain, I cranked on the cold water and hefted him in. “You want to talk? Get your white ass sober, and I’ll think about it!”
He called me everything he could think of, and a lot of things that weren’t words, as I chilled the drunk out of him. The bathroom floor and I were soaked when he finally stopped fighting me.
He was shivering and mumbling “enough” when I shut off the shower. God he looked miserable, and I felt guilty. The shower had chilled out my anger as well. I pulled him out and he kind of melted against me while he shivered. I wrapped him up in a towel, roughly dried him off, and guided him back to the couch. “I’ll make some coffee.”
Ace watched silently from the couch, in his soaked briefs and the towel, as I made a big pot and brought out the first mugs. He looked a lot more alert, and a lot sadder. We drank down our first mugs in silence. I didn’t need the coffee, I was wound up enough, but it was easier to have him mimic me than try and force him to drink alone.
“How are you feeling,” I asked. Any conversation was better than nothing.
“Like my head’s full of cotton; not drunk, but not hung yet.” He winced a little and then frowned at me. “You’re a bastard, you know that?”
I grinned. “Yeah, you said that in the shower.”
He looked back at his mug. “I’m sorry I yelled.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
He shrugged. “I didn’t want to shout at you.Just look at things from my point, you come home and find your partner nowhere than another guy’s arms”
Sighing, he lifted his mug. “Bartender, give me a double?”
I grinned. “Sure.”
He sipped the mug after I handed it back, and cradled it in his hands. He wasn’t shivering any more. “I guess I’ve been trying to get you to tell me but you found another excuse to go out on your own.”
“It wasn’t an excuse, I had to go.”
“Was he there too?”
I got up to get myself some water as I nodded at him.
The next second he was standing right behind me pressing me hard to the fridge. “So tell me what happened there?”
“Nothing.” I pushed my nails into his palms and he let me go.
Inside the fridge was my favorite chocolates waiting for me.
“Hershey’s kisses, oh my God. Where do you get it from?”
I was touched. I’d never expected him to spend time trying to find me things like chocolates. “I really love these.” I unwrapped one and put it in my mouth.
Nodding, he took another sip of his coffee. His eyes never left me. “So, are you going to tell me why?”
“Why.” I stuck my chocolate covered tongue at him.
He set down his cup and stared at me. “I’ve spent all night worrying that if you were hiding this, that maybe you were hiding other stuff too. I’m scared,Nate. You’ve always told me about the love, trust and respect we need to stay together and now I’m not sure I can trust you.”
I looked at my hands. “Do you remember all the good times we had together? All the things I told you about my past?”
He grinned. “Yeah.”
I swallowed my chocolate and tried to meet his eyes. “There’s nothing between me and him, believe me.”
“Never done anything with him?”
I opened my mouth to say “never” but I hate lying to him, I bit my lips before saying “Once gave him a handjob, that was all.”
That seemed to blind-side him. He stared at me, and I could see the “Ace security wall” come up. “How dare you?”
I stood up. “That’s why I never told you. It wasn’t that I didn’t value our friendship, Ace. You’re my best friend, my partner, my lover and I do love you. But you don’t wanna see the reality.” He continued to stare in silence. I wasn’t going to get anything more out of him at that point. “I’m going to bed. If you want to talk more later, cool.”
I left him sitting on the couch being distant-Ace. The moment the discussion had turned to something really worth-talking, like the fact that he could look at things differently, he’d shut down. There was no way I was going to explain things to him. It took me forever to get to sleep; I kept worrying about what was going to happen. I woke mid-morning to find Ace sleeping on his side of bed. I got outta bed and left the room grabbing  some clothes and my laptop.
I crawled inside baby girl’s room and thought of sleeping by her side but looked impossible without waking her up so I just left her sleep sweetly.
I spent a while sitting motionless on the sofa and thinking of nothing then felt tired and thought of taking some sleeping pills and get some sleep, later I changed my mind.

So after 4 fucking hours I’m still awake and waiting for him to wake up. I wish all happened yesterday was one silly story popped outta my mind and I could add a good fuck and end it happily, shit that sounds impossible. If only I knew who was writing my story.
Now the sun is spreading his weak rays to win the night, I have this feeling I really don’t wanna talk to him unless he tries to see things my way, I’m going out for a walk, this sofa is so uncomfortable.
***********************************
No matter how hard I try to keep my life anonymous and write nothing much here, there are times it looks so impossible.
A few may know about the other man in my life, for those who doesn’t know:
Ron was my co-worker while I lived  here with my ex. I never paid much attention to him till he caught me and my now partner (husband?!) kissing at the backyard of my office. Being still married and living in a very small town not very gay-friendly we didn’t want anyone know about the feelings we had so we bribed Ron anyway we could to keep his mouth shut. I dunno why when or how but he had a crush on me while I had a bigger crush on Ace. I ignored Ron and he moved on.
Cutting the long story short, somehow he told me about his feelings and I stopped being his friend, later he got back outta nowhere hurt and miserable from the only boyfriend he found himself and me being very mad at Ace, I met him at Logan and gave him a handjob in a public toilet and that was all before things got very serious between me and Ace and we decided to get married. Anyhow, Ron came back to Boston for the wedding and he stayed, and I helped him as a friend, I even asked him to join my team and he accepted but when Ace found out he made me get rid of him and I even escorted him to the airport making sure he was outta our lives.
And yesterday he was back and I was too shocked to stop him from kissing me.
It’s all silly how hard Ace try to keep him away from me and he keeps on coming back. It’s not really my fault someone else has a crush on me. I’m not that special but wtf I had my own crushes on straight guys and I just shut my mouth and disappeared. The least Ron could do was disappearing for the sake of our friendship.
Sometimes Ace pisses me off with not listening to me. It’s ridiculous when it’s ok seeing me kissing, hugging and sometimes flirting with other guys but when they want to respond he gets all possessive, jealous and protective.
To me homosexual relationships are not mostly about being monogamous and cheating doesn’t mean the same as it is to others. When my partner knows about the other one then it’s not cheating.
I’m tired of waiting so I’m going for a walk with the sun shining brightly.Whatever Ace wants to think, let him think. He gotta be mad at his own sister for letting Ron live with her pretending to be her (20 years younger) boyfriend when she knows he’s gay. I’m just so surprised how she didn’t tell the truth to her brother.
I’m just tired of my life looking like a boring stupid soap, it sucks & I need a happy ending.
I guess I leave him a note to check my blog cos I’m not in the mood of explaining.
Question: How can I get rid of someone who had a crush on me?!

Prom night

*. Just Copy-pasted, not even read till the end and the names have nothing to do me! (& check labels!)

As All-4-One began to sing “I Swear”, Nate walked across the dance floor to where Kara stood. He held out his hand, which she took. They put their arms around each other and began to sway and move with the music.
“Hey,” she said, “How’ve you been?”
“Pretty good,” replied Nate. “Have you had a nice night?”
“No,” she said, her head laying on his shoulder.
“What’s wrong?” Nate asked.
“Danny’s starting his shit again,” she said, sounding disgusted. What Danny’s shit was, Nate had no idea, but he knew it happened quite often. They weren’t even dating last week, were they? Nate thought. He couldn’t understand, what with all the problems they had, why either of them even bothered any more.
“This is a pretty song,” Kara said, humming the tune into Nate’ ear. “Sing it to me. I know you can do a better job than me.”
Nate smiled. He’d sang to Cristy Eversole on her birthday, and had been somewhat of a celebrity ever since. He didn’t have much faith in his musical abilities, himself, but the ladies seemed to like it, and that’s all Nate cared about. When the chorus came, Nate decided to give in and do as Kara asked.
“I swear,” he sang, “by the moon and the stars in the sky, I’ll be there. I swear, like a shadow that’s by your side, I’ll be there. For better or worse, till death do us part, I’ll love you with every beat of my heart. I swear.”
Kara hugged him. “That was really good,” she said. “That made me feel better. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” Nate said. He pressed a little closer to her ear and whispered, “You know, if you don’t want to stay with Danny tonight, you don’t have to. You can leave with me.” She wore a “dress” that was black pants and a silky top that exposed her midriff and back. Nate slowly rubbed her back, his hand straying an inch or two down the back of her loose fitting pants.
Nothing was heard for several seconds but the music. The two continued to dance, their bodies close, her head on his shoulder.
“Seriously?” she said finally.
“Seriously,” he said. “Right now.”
The song ended, but the two held each other a while longer. Kara pulled away and looked into his eyes. “Okay,” she said. Nate smiled and they walked toward the door.
Nate unlocked the passenger door, opened it for Kara, then closed it once she was in. He entered on the driver’s side and looked over at her. They sat in silence, then Nate said, “God, you look incredible.” She laughed, blushing, and thanked him.
“Well, where do we go?” she asked.
“Name the place, sweet thang,” Nate said. “Thy will be done.”
For several minutes she said nothing. Nate opened his mouth to suggest a late movie when Kara said, “There’s this place close to my house. There’s enough room to pull a car off the road, and there aren’t any other houses nearby.” Nate stared at the lovely lady beside him. He’d heard her wrong, surely. Even if she had said what he thought, she only meant for them to gossip and chat and bitch about Danny. That’s what she meant, wasn’t it? When he looked to Kara’s face and saw her smiling, though, his pants suddenly got much tighter, and he hoped she didn’t just mean to talk.
Nate pulled off the road and turned off the engine. The two looked at each other. Nate reached out and stroked Kara’s hand. Kara took it and held it. Before long, they found themselves leaning across the seat and kissing passionately. Their tongues laced together, writhed like snakes within the linked cavities of their mouths. Nate moved his hands to Kara’s breasts, massaging them beneath the thin material of her black top. They broke from their lip lock and Nate began working on Kara’s neck.
“Mmmm, yeah,” Kara groaned. Kara’s pants were held with a thin rope about her waist, which Nate now began to untie.
“Wait,” Kara gasped, and lightly pushed Nate away.
“No,” Nate grunted, moving toward her again.
“Wait,” Kara said again. “Get in the back.”
Nate reluctantly released her and climbed into the back seat. Kara followed, stumbled, and fell on top of Nate. He grabbed her and again inserted his tongue deep into her throat. Kara squirmed until she straddled Nate, continued kissing him for a moment, then pulled away once again. She pulled her top over her head, exposing luscious breasts hidden behind a black lace bra. Reaching behind her, she unhooked the metal clasp and allowed her arms to slip through the straps. Nate leaned forward and kissed the flesh between her breasts. Kara tossed her head back and issued a short, lustful gasp. Nate pulled away this time, began fumbling with the buttons of his shirt. Meanwhile, Kara unbuttoned his pants and, when Nate raised from the seat, she pulled them down. With a little work from both parties, they managed to remove his shirt and slide his pants over his ankles. They paused to share another passionate kiss, then Nate slipped Kara’s pants off.
With both participants free of the confinements of clothing, Kara placed her hands on Nate’ shoulders, pushed herself up, then lowered onto his erect penis.
“Oh, fuck,” Nate moaned. Kara laid her forehead against his and began to slowly move up and down. As the pace quickened, Nate laced his fingers behind Kara’s head and pulled her face to his chest.
“Yeah, fuck me,” he said. Kara obediently increased her rhythm.
“Uh…uh…You like that, baby?” Kara asked.
“Oh, yeah. You know it.” Nate replied. “Fuck me.” he reiterated. Kara did.
Digging his fingernails into Kara’s back, tearing red ribbons of flesh, Nate came. Kara let out a cry of mixed pain and pleasure. Unbelievably, she slammed down into him even faster and harder than before as Nate pumped semen into her pussy. She bit into his shoulder, drawing blood as she reached her climax.
“AAAAA! Dammit!” Nate cried. “You fucking slut!”
“Thank you,” Kara panted, slumping against him. They held each other as their breathing and heartbeats settled, and fell asleep in each others arms.
Kara opened her eyes and found Nate stroking her hair in the darkness. She lifted her head and looked into his face. Though bathed in shadows, she could see his eyes sparkle. She smiled.
“What time is it?” she asked, her voice thick with the clinging weight of sleep.
Nate peered over the seat at the green, glowing numbers on his dash. ” ‘Quarter to five.” he said.
“Shit,” Kara said quietly. “My curfew was four. I’m dead.” She lifted from him and retrieved her clothes off the floorboard.
“Was it worth it?” asked Nate. Kara smiled at Nate, leaned forward and kissed him.
“Bet your ass it was,” she said. She slid into her bra and fastened it, then pulled her top back on. “We must do this again sometime.”
“Any time, any place,” Nate said. “What about Danny? What’s happening with him?”
Kara sighed. “I don’t know. I never do. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, though.” She lay across Nate’ lap, pulled her feet up and slipped her pants on. Once she was fully clothed again, she maneuvered to sit beside him. “If Danny and I do work it out, would you want to be the other man,” she said smiling.
“As long as I can be one of your men, I don’t really care which one it is,” Nate said.
“That’s kinda sweet,” she said. She kissed him one final time, then climbed into the front seat of the car. Nate followed, sat in the driver’s seat and started the car.
“Uh, did you forget something,” Kara said, then burst into laughter. Nate looked down and realized he was still minus his clothes.
“Well,” he said, “just pray your mom doesn’t meet us at the car.” They both laughed. The car pulled onto the road and drove off into the diminishing darkness of early morning.

Shut up fag

Chatting aimlessly (aimless for me cos I was waiting for dinner and had nothing to do) with Jay about random things, we reached the point that he simply told me to shut up, that wasn’t a nice thing to be told when you’re not expecting it. I felt a bit offended but giving it a second thought I think he was very polite not to tell me “fuck off or shut your fucking mouth up”.
I think lately I’m crossing other people’s lines easily without thinking about it and I just go “yeah that’s cool to say whatever crap I like and expect others to accept it.”.
Now I can see why Ace is so quiet round others, pinching me and whispering in disagreement, I have a very sharp tongue opposing others, challenging everything just because I feel I’m 100% right. NAH, very wrong I am.
So I’m sitting on the patio in this freaking cold weather, eating cornflakes and reviewing my own reactions happened the day before and now I can see things a bit clear. You can change laws by force but you can’t change people’s beliefs that way.

There’s something very weird about this town, it’s like home and it’s like a new start every morning. I’ve made very big decisions and faced hell of new challenges here like marrying my long-time best friend, buying my very own house, acting like a responsible familyman, losing a very lovely baby girl, falling in love with the guy I hardly have anything in common, divorcing my baby’s mom and realizing I cant stop life no matter how hard I try and I can name a lot more.

Now I’m back here and I’m just feeling like the first day I stepped on this mysterious rough land. I’m not the guy I was 2 years ago but still I’m too stubborn to accept that I made big mistakes as much as others did.

I was very disappointed with my friends but I guess they felt worse. I was back to somewhere I never truly felt like home and he looked happy seeing his sister again so she decided to throw a party for the newly-wed guys, very nice of her.
I think I’ve mentioned before but I’m just reviewing things. Me and my ex were room-mates back in school time. She was this very cool nice kind room-mate, I was lucky to have and it was a creepy small place so there was this clear rule “NO sex at home”.
I was this very naive 18yr old kid, miles away from home and just trying to figure out how much gayness I had in my blood so one night stands were just a hobby. As far as I can remember my ex had a boyfriend at that time but I cant remember well cos of the rule we had.
We were pretty good room-mates just minding our own business and ignoring the other and we had piles of thick books always waiting for us. I’m not sure how it happened but it happened and we became best friends talking about anything and everything. After a while we decided to move to a bigger cleaner place and very randomly I asked her out and I dunno why we called it a date. The following years were pretty the same for her, focusing on her books and trying to finish her university; randomly she introduced me to her parents as her boyfriend just to keep her mom off her back so she had reasons to stay away from her family and she was very faithful to me.
On the other hand I had a lot to discover, officially she was my girlfriend but I was still seeing other people specially guys. I was on a crazy roller coaster with a sick mind trying to figure things out my own way, trying anything and everything and proving nothing than the fact I couldn’t end my life, attempted suicide twice, spent a while in a hospital and then things went pretty smooth as she remained my best and only friend.
I dunno when or how but I fell in love with her, I wanted her cos she was a good listener, my feelings for her where just emotional, surely we tried it physically but she wasn’t the one I fancied.
She knew she was just one dear friend to me but I dunno why she wanted more outta our relation. I loved kids but having one of my own was a nightmare besides there was a high risk of inheriting those twisted genes and I really didnt want another OC kid in the family beside myself.
On a daily basis we almost had no sex and if had, I was so careful not to get her pregnant and I thought she was as careful as me, even more. I was really wrong, she wanted a baby with me.
I tried really hard to make her get rid of the baby, I begged her, threatened her, did whatever I could, even left her but she kept the baby.
It was a very tough 5 months till she called and told me the baby born a month early, that’s one bad thing happening to a kid. I did prayed for her death and it was a weird feeling cos I sorta don’t follow any thing called religion.
After a while she and the baby went home and I decided remain the biological dad and live my own life. I started very straight, then somehow I couldnt resist sleeping with some hot guys, then I got tired and felt very ashamed thinking religion was the only way I could survive (this wasn’t my own discovery, actually someone made me look at the world that way and accept that homosexuality was a big a sin.)

Cutting the long story short, after 6 months I made my mind to embrace life as straightly as I could. To my own surprise she let me back in her life but she was leaving my lovely Boston to start a new life in an icy hell aka Alaska and I just followed her, determined to be her Mr. Right and a good dad.

I wasn’t too sure of my ability to stay monogamous and faithful so I thought making a strong bond like a marriage would make me keep my vows.
There was no party no cake, just me, my ex, her parents and a friend of mine.

And a new life started, I earned pretty good, we had a happy family and it was just getting used to the rough weather. Being Alaska and living in a small city I really had no chance of finding a fuck buddy so me and my ex focused on something else, a new baby. 2 babies could keep me very busy.

After a while I got bored, there was nowhere to go, no Fenway, No nightclub, No gay bar, Not even a gay couple, nothing.
I started flirting with random women just to stop thinking about guys, soon I got bored and again there was me and one dirty friend, Internet. Chatting on-line looked pretty fine, no harm to her, no harm to me.
The more me and my ex lived together, the less common things we found, her mom really hated me and I wasn’t anything close to her prince charming, I had the money , I’m not that ugly and I loved baby girl but she was tired of all my manic and depressive moods and with long cold boring winters here I really couldnt get rid of my depression easily. We had endless arguments, yet we tried to look like the perfect family round our friends, she wanted everything perfect and I was really tired of pretending to be someone I wasn’t.
After 6 months watching her getting fatter with the little baby in her womb I asked her to just get outta town and have some fun in a bigger city. I wanted to make her happy and sorta I wanted to meet the guy I’d been chatting with for a while.
It was one of the worst trips of my life I really dont wanna remember, in the shortest way I can say, we lost the little baby and somehow the bond that kept me and my ex together broke.
I may look indifferent when hearing about someone’s death but it’s exactly the opposite. I’ve lost very wonderful people in my life that I wasn’t the kinda person to give my ex some hope to move on. I really needed a push myself and I couldn’t understand why on earth I had to lose my closest ones so easily.
To my own surprise I didn’t fall in my depressive mood but the opposite so I pretty ignored my ex and tried to know my e-guy better.
after a while I found a job in the city he lived (still Alaska) and made my family move with me, he moved in too.
I was never seriously & emotionally engaged with another guy. I wanted him as a family member but to him I was just a fuck buddy.Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things in my life and it wasn’t a good experience.
We went back to the little town she loved and tried to start again, I really tried my best but there was no end to our arguments, still she tried to pretend we were one happy family.
I was so determined to have a normal family and play straight after being dumped by my ex-boyfriend or the other way round, I can say I tried really hard to be a good dad and a good husband but things didnt go well.
I digress, among her friends there was this 40ish woman she was really close that I can say she was my ex’s best friend, let’s call her G.
G had a brother who lived in a village near Bering sea, I’d met him a few times but never tried to know him cos he was mysteriously silent and quiet and really not interested in anything I liked.
I don’t remember why he decided to stay a while with his sister; I just know I had to keep his company while the girls were having some fun. He was boringly minding his own business so most of the times I ignored him and did whatever I felt like doing but somehow I got used to his presence.
Me and my ex still had lots of fights and arguments and divorce was something to be mentioned every now and then , yet we tried to remain as a family.

I really can’t say why I fell in love with him, we just went fishing, digging holes and talking about random things and it just happened like the most natural thing in the world, we kissed and since then I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
***********
I’m all numb sitting in the cold for so long and this wasn’t really the kinda thing I wanted to say. Whatever surely you can guess the rest and I will find another time writing what I wanted to say, I’m going inside!

Freedom to Marry!

Recently I’ve done lots of thinking, every night, every morning and every time I hear his voice on the phone and weirdly I feel closer to him than ever or we never managed anything big like a wedding this good, it’s full of stress specially when you get a late call after 10, hearing your granny asking you to change the date for the sake of a  surprise she will give you, then another call from your sister-in-law gonna be shocking you with another surprise and within coming hours those surprises keep coming from different people And you stay up really late planning and arranging everything again and again.

It’s really strange when most of your arrangements are screwed and nothing looks like the things you dreamed of but you still feel comfortable just staring at him working hard with the calculator and adding or removing names from the list.

It was a hard night and the following day was worse, calling and re-calling everyone but at last we did it and all the stress and tension was worth the moment holding his hand as we knocked on the last door to invite them to the our wedding dinner.

In the last few years I learned life without family must go on when they don’t agree with your beliefs but sometimes you just want to sit down with your own brother and talk about those wonderful moments you had or things you don’t feel comfortable sharing with friends.

Me and my elder brother’had talked about same-sex marriages a few times, I knew he wasn’t comfortable with my sexuality but last thanksgiving he treated my partner so well I thought he’d changed his mind and I was wrong. Honestly I was very disappointed when I called him to share the good news and in return he made me choose between him and my partner; hard choice for many people and with a broken-heart I chose my partner cos I wasn’t seeing my brother that often.

When his sister called to say she wasn’t coming either, we started to feel more disappointed.

by the time most of my relatives cheered me with their lame excuses, we were sure there was nothing positive about having a ceremony or party of any kind and when we made a list of only 10 people we thought we could remain partners without getting into the trouble of a same-sex marriage.

Usually I’m a positive person but when I start being negative you really need good reasons to make me not to feel like that, so I was all this angry bitch blaming him on anything I could and he just remained silent slowly arranging his devilish plans. I was shocked with the place he chose and the suggestion of having our own card and slowly we arranged a very private party of our own doing everything with a pink theme cos we wanted everything on Valentine’s.

My granny was/is the only person accepted me the way I am completely, it’s very strange with all the generation differences we have, we are still good friends, she was the first to know about my first boy friend and she was the first to know about my gay marriage and she was there for me many of those times I kept on struggling to know who I was, she was the one giving me the courage to ask for my own rights and fight for my baby. And again she was my rescuing angel, I thought she wouldn’t make it to my wedding cos she was a bit sick, yet not only she’s back to bean town she convinced dozens of my relatives to join me on my special day and I think she even called his sister, he looked so happy knowing she will be here and his happiness is mine too.

So I think there won’t be much differences between 10 & 14, the important thing is that this time next week I’ll be a married man!

Thinking about Sunday still makes me feel nervous but I know everything gonna be alright and I hope this time I made the right decision.

I already have sent some scanned and printed versions of our invitation card to some readers, I thought some other may want to see, so I put an edited version here.

By the way, having the right to marry someone you love is one wonderful thing so better do something for other couples in other states.

so gay or straight let your friends and family enjoy their legal life together like straight couples. Hope one day all couples have equal rights.

It’s that time again! Freedom to Marry week is February 10-16.

According to Freedom to Marry:

Every year, right around Pres. Lincoln’s Birthday and Valentine’s Day, gay and non-gay people around the country gather in living rooms, rectories, parks and civic halls to celebrate our lives, our loves, our families and the victories of our movement from the year before. Freedom to Marry Day, Tuesday, February 12th, is a day to celebrate and share our stories, reflect on the values of equality and love, while also engaging our neighbors in the movement for equality and fairness.

You deserve a good fuck

I rang the bell still thinking about all the words I said on the phone, I had a meeting to attend at 5 and that was the only reason I accepted her invitation for lunch instead of the movie I wanted to go with her.
I rang again and waited, I hate that wait, wait ,wait and wait, if she was home ,it’d be better for her to open the door soon; if not then why she bothered asking me to go. I knocked a few times and stood still arms crossed, staring at the door.

Was I doing the right thing? Leaving work early promising to be back for the meeting just for a lunch seemed so stupid when standing behind a close door.

At last the door opened and there she was in a long skirt and top.
-”com’on in”
“Hey gotta be back to my office soon.”
I followed her to the kitchen, the place looked bigger in day light and there was no sight of the comfy sofa I found on my first time there.
-”so you wanted to take me to a movie”
“I reserved tickets before my boss told me about the late meeting”
-”do you like roast beef?”
“that’d be fine”
she opened the fridge and bent to pick something, “Nice ass” I thought.
I spent all Sunday night surfing net and staring at naked women, I had to get over my feelings, only 2-3% of people were really gay and I didn’t want to be one of them, I had enough of that shit and I was tired of all those strange feelings others showed.
I  brushed my hand against her  ass quickly,  I should feel something.
“Girl, you look gorgeous”
-”really?”
“really”
I sat on the kitchen table watching her preparing lunch, turning her head and looking at me every now and then.

she looked like a good cook, quick and clean, the lunch was prepared in a flash of light, I pulled the chair giving her a place to sit but she stopped me and said “not here, help me move all the stuff to that room” she pointed to a door  I never noticed.
Putting all the plates and glasses in a tray, I went to that room, it was a large pretty bedroom with a little table near the window and a big king size bed in the middle covered with pink bedspreads, I put the tray on the table and waited for her, staring outside the window watching people rushing to nowhere.

I came back to my senses as I heard the door locked.
“what the hell are you….”
she put her finger on my mouth and stopped me.
-”just sit down and enjoy your meal”
I enjoyed being a sub but not to a woman, I never did but it seemed she pretty knew what she was doing.
I sat quietly at the table and waited for her to cut a piece for me, she worked great with that knife actually in a frightening way.
She placed a plate in front of me, not only it looked good it smelled good too but I never ate that much.
-”Eat it and I want nothing left on that plate”
she filled a glass with whiskey and put it beside my plate.
I started eating and she just stood there and watched making it more difficult to swallow each bite.
“may i have some water?”
-”no, drink from that glass.”
“I don’t drink alcohol”
-” I know and that’s why I want you to drink it.”
I ignored what she said and went on eating, what she was doing sounded new to me but I had that feeling I could stop it whenever I wanted but I was wrong.
I finished most of the food on my plate and stood up.
“thanks for the lunch, I have a meeting to attend, I have to go.”
She grabbed her knife and pointed it to me.
-”you’re not going anywhere”
I was getting mad, she couldn’t stop me, how dare she!! I walked passed her and headed to the door, I knew she locked it but I saw the key on the door.
-”You’re not going anywhere!”  I felt the blade near my neck.
“What’s this all about? I haven’t hurt you, have I?”
-”Sit”
I sat on the bed looking impatiently at her waiting to know what she was after.

She opened her wardrobe and took something, then shut the door. It was some papers later she let me read.
-”These are yours, right?”
I took a quick look, surely they were mine. I  had forgotten those papers.
-”Can you explain what it is?”
“You read it?”
-”yes”
“It’s a few things about homosexuals I found on a site and wanted to read so I printed it.”
-”And added a few notes?”
That was an old habit of making little summaries on top of whatever I read and then adding my personal thoughts on that subject, always worked well for the exams at least.
“yep, why the hell it was in your wardrobe?”
-”Remember last Friday we met for the first time and you left me to buy some coke?” I nodded and she went on. ” I was bored and I saw a pile of papers on your back seat, I picked them and started reading ‘em, they looked interesting but then you came and I put them in my handbag”
“You stole ‘em?”
-” I borrowed, I was going to give it back last night.”
“then why you didn’t?”
-” I saw something else.”
It was ridiculous how easy she put something that didn’t belong to her in her bag, I was great on picking someone for a date.
She pointed her knife again.
-”Take your sweater off.”
“You must be outta your mind, I’m not wearing anything under it.”
-”Do as I say…. take off your jeans too.”
It seemed like a silly joke, I wasn’t going to get naked in front of her so I just sat there and did nothing.
To my surprise she started undressing soon she was just in her bikini. I turned to look elsewhere, I couldn’t look at her, not because she was ugly, she looked fine I couldnt look at her, sorta feeling sick when seeing women pretty naked.
-” Look at me”
I kept on staring outside the window so I didn’t see her getting close to me and putting her knife on my neck.
-”Take your clothes off or do you want me to rip it for you?”
It didn’t seem like a joke anymore, I pulled my sweater outta my head and unzipped my jeans but didn’t take it out.
“Why you’re doing this to me?”
-”Ain’t this what you come here for? to fuck me?”
I had thought about that and I had tried to convince myself  I would do that if I found the opportunity but I really didn’t want that.
-”take it off, NOW”
I could grab my  sweater,  run to the door and get out of that place, I just didn’t, instead I obeyed her like a good kid taking off my jeans and sitting on the bed just in my briefs.
She sat on my lap still holding her knife, running the tip on my face and then threw it on the floor, wrapped her arms round my neck and kissed me not on the lips but forehead and then stood on her feet.
-”Can you fuck me?”
She took the last clothes off her tanned body, I sat there silently and looked at the beautiful creature in front of me, she wasn’t really fat, she just wore too many clothes.
I did nothing, I didn’t want to fuck her and I sorta couldn’t do that her so I just sat there and looked at her.
-”You’re gay.”
“No” I said without thinking as if trying to prove something and I was there to prove that I wasn’t gay, I couldn’t admit it that easily.
-”Yes, you are. I saw your picture with that guy, I didn’t want to but it was in the middle of the CDs you told me to look at.”
“He’s just a friend.” I didn’t know what she had seen, I just didn’t want to confess anything.
-”No guy kiss a friend like that, not a straight one”
I didn’t say a word, I couldn’t say anything and I pretty knew what she had seen.
“It’s not like what you think.”
-”Then tell me it’s like what. You didn’t kiss me last night, you didn’t stare at my naked body, you didn’t make a move to touch me. Explain it to me why you’re like that?”
I didn’t know what to say, I tried to grab her hand but I sorta felt bad about it.I grabbed my clothes and started putting them back, I was going to leave. And she didn’t stop me.
I moved to door and turned the key in the lock, I felt her hand on my shoulder.
-” I loved you, I thought you were cute, crazy, different. You’re a piece of shit”
I turned to look at her and she was covering herself with the bedspread, I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I really didn’t want it that way.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, it was just a date.”
she put her hand on the door and didn’t let me get out.
-” So it’s like this, every now and then you find a date, spend a few nights with and then dump her and have a good laugh at her? It must be lot of fun.”
“It’s not what you think, I really didn’t mean to, I didn’t want… didn’t know…. oh I’m really sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you, I couldn’t imagine someone could love me,  you cant love me, we don’t know each other.”
-”but I love you, what are you gonna do with it?”
I turned and sat on the bed again, she came and sat beside me and then it was silence again, that annoying monster from the first day. I slowly wrapped my arm and pulled her closer, she didn’t resist.
” You know I thought I could love a woman, I wanted to be normal like lots of other guys, I couldn’t let my baby suffer from my wrong choice…..”
I paused for a while but she didn’t say a word, just put her head on my shoulder and listened.
” You know he was doing great, the first time I saw you I felt I wasn’t and couldn’t  go too far with you.”
-”Then why you kept on dating?”
“Because he was doing the same, I was so lonely, he was ignoring me I needed somebody else.”
She didn’t say a word and we sat silently for a while, I held her tighter and she moved her hand to my crotch. I didn’t stop her from unzipping me, I knew she didn’t want that seriously.
-”Do you think I can get you hard?”
“I don’t think so”
-”I wanna give you a head. Think of a guy, think of him and imagine it is his mouth”
She moved her hand inside my pants and grabbed my cock, it was flaccid in her hand, she put her mouth on it and began sucking. I just looked at her and did nothing, I didn’t feel anything, just like someone sucking your finger, nothing would happen in the end. She kept on sucking for a while and I was still soft.
-”Close your eyes and imagine something you like.”
I did as she said, it was ridiculous to think of anyone at first but I tried to concentrate, imagining his mouth on my cock, how much I missed him, How much I wanted to feel him again. She was doing her job pretty well, I thought of the last time we fucked, I really missed tasting his cum in my mouth, she moved faster and it was getting hard to breathe, I moaned and emptied my seed in her mouth, it wasn’t much but it wasn’t that bad and she looked satisfied.
I put my dick back in my pants and zipped my jeans.
“Thank you, it was great.” I kissed her on the cheek and got up to leave.
-”can we meet again?”
“I think it’s better not to do so. I hope you find a great guy.”
I opened the door to leave, she ran to the door.
-”What are you gonna do?”
“With what?”
-”You said he is meeting someone and he is enjoying it. Do you think you can get back together?” I sighed, I have thought about that but I couldn’t do anything, we promised each other, it was a decision we made together, sooner than I thought I got my answer, I was definitely gay and I couldn’t do anything about it so it was better to live with it but if he wanted to be with a woman he could do as he liked and I had to look for someone else to share my life with.
“Dunno, he still has two more days to go, it’s his life and I can’t make him do as I like.”
-”What if he is straight?” It was a nightmare coming true but I shouldn’t ruin his life, I could live on my own. A single gay dad was a lot better than two dads.
” I dunno, I really don’t know.” I almost shut the door but she kept it open with her foot.
-”If ever felt like meeting someone, just gimme a call.”
“Thanks, but I’m gay, I don’t wanna hurt you twice.”
And I ran downstairs to get to my meeting.
********
Note: I was a bit early for the meeting so I had some time to update everything. I know many were bored and many knew I wasn’t going to anywhere. I’m gay and I can’t change it but at least now I know I cant change anything and leave with it. I have a meeting to attend and I don’t dare calling him. he didn’t come home last night and I guess he’s not interested in me anymore. WTF It’s almost 5 and I have to go.

PS: Unlike the previous posts, this one wasn’t exactly what happened but some it was the same, there was no knife and locked room but the rest was true.
Can some one get me a rose? I need to know whether he still loves me or not.

day four: Let’s kiss not

It seemed the relationship I was developing sorta based on being late, I’ve been listening to that album since I left home and I knew it was the last song on the CD.
“Dolls of voodoo all stuck with pins
One for each of us and our sins
So you lay us in a line”
 I heard someone tapping at the window so I raised my head from the steering wheel to see whether a cop was waiting outside for me or not, guys in uniforms are double cute. she was standing there in the most casual clothes she could wear and I was getting used to see her everyday, learning more and more about women and seeing her more attractive. I waved at her and opened the passenger door for her
“hi cutie, late again or you enjoy bird watch”
-”sorry, can we go?”
“where?”
-”I dunno, you said you wanted to surprise me.”
“Oh yeah, I’m gettin ol you know.”
she brushed her finger on my cheek as if checking something, I stared into her eyes for a while before starting the car and pressing the gas pedal.
-”you know the city pretty well, I bet you were born here.”
“wrong guess, wanna try more?”
-”Is it some kinda game?”
“call it that, so next guess?”
-”It must be somewhere near here, right?”
“nope.”
-”ok, it’s still in New England, you have this funny accent of….”
“you’re teasin my accent?”
-”no, but you talk weird… like… I dunno, seems sometimes you can’t think of a proper word.”
I grinned at her and took a quick look at her face, she was smiling too.
“you’re not the first to tell me so, don’t blame, my mind is twisted sometimes I feel I cant spell my own name.Btw, it’s L.A.”
-”what’s L.A.?”
“you wanted to know where I was born, what about you?”
-”Quincy”
I stopped by the red light and waited trying to decide where to take her for the third date if I could call it third.
I was pretty used tothose silent moments when none of us had anything to say, at least this time I had music in the background and suddenly I remembered reading “To what song you lost your virginity” that seemed like a ridiculous phrase.
-”what are you thinking about?”
“nothing”
-”then why you smiled?”
“ah, I was thinking of kidnapping you.”
-”so where are we going?”
“Revere”
-”you must be crazy, it’s cold there.”
I ignored her complaints and focussed on my driving, actually I wasn’t too sure which way to turn and I’m pretty good at getting lost cos I don’t drive that often or not until I have to.
As she struggled finding something she liked hearing I managed to find my way, it wasn’t that far if you knew which way to go. I parked the car before she could decide on what to listen.
“down”
-”oh, we’re there. you listen to crap.”
“thanks but I like it”

The beach was pretty empty and I expected it like that at that time of year, according to weather forecast snow was coming again and that took those few people back to their places.
I had learned a few lessons on acting like a gent, it was hard but I tried my best to walk slow, arm in arm, enjoying the waves and wind.

“Let’s have something. coffee, tea, soda, coke, ice-cream, ghost?”
-”what?”
“Never mind, don’t yo wanna have something.”
-”coffee please.”
she stood there waiting for me and I turned back and waved at her a few times. Nobody stared, not even once and it sounded weird to me, the last time I’ve been there me and Ace tried to kiss and we were lucky nobody hit us with their sandals, people act so differently.

The coffee was a bit cold but still tasted good, we walked for a while just walking without saying anything. Talking to me seems like the hardest thing to do, I’d rather climb  Liberty statue but I like walking and it seemed she was getting used to it.

we found an empty bench to sit and stare at the sun waving goodbye, sunsets are so depressing to me.
It could be a very romantic moment with the sun casting its rays on us but I really didn’t know the woman sitting next to me. I felt her hand near my own not being sure what to do next and then I was holding it in my own. she pressed my fingers in her little hand and moved closer to me as if she felt cold.

-”can we go?”
“I thought you liked it.”
-”I did but it’s getting cold.”
I got up still holding her hand, it was a strange feeling if not new. It was a lot better than holding arms because I could pull her along with my own pace.

The drive back to her place was filled with more silence and to me it wasn’t annoying but it seemed she didn’t like it much.

I stood by her door, holding her hand and just staring at her eyes, they weren’t grayish blue but I liked the color. I pressed her hand hard before saying goodbye and loosing her hand.
she looked inside her bag for her keys and opened the door.
-”don’t you wanna come inside?”
“No, thanks.”
she held my hands in hers but didn’t say a word as if she was thinking of something else.
-”thank you, it was a great night.”
I smiled and tried to go but she was still holding my hands.She took a step forward and her lips was just an inch away from mine, she pressed my hands hard and closed her eyes, I took a step backward and let go of her hands, running down the stairs, I was back to my car and gone before she knew it.

day three: a dinner for two

I spent a little while in the streets thinking and staring at people. That was a date for sure and I was too blank to think of any normal feeling, I couldn’t be normal in the most normal-natural incidents in life.

I left the windows open for a while so I could get rid of her smell, a woman’s smell, something that could cause a headache for a night, for the winter night that wasn’t cold. Global warming is so complicated and horrible, so please turn that extra light off.

I was expecting him to be home but he wasn’t and I felt lonely there was no one to share my fabulous date with, we could have a good laugh at our heterosexual day.

sometime while reading a book I fell asleep and when I woke up it was the next morning and he was humming to a tune I couldn’t recognize that meant he was listening to something I hadn’t heard.

“morning, how was you date?” I had to know everything about his time.

-”better than yours” he teased.

“never ever in your dreams, mine was great, I’m gonna meet her again tonight at beehive”

-”so at last you learned what date is, wish you luck then”  he disappeared in the bedroom and I went for breakfast cos I was too hungry to take a shower first.

I almost choked seeing him in his suit again, he looked hot, then I could look hot in a suit if I wore any.

“going out?”

-”meeting her for lunch, don’t wait for me I won’t be home any time soon”

“to the hell then, I won’t be waitin, go now I wanna enjoy my freedom!” I waved him goodbye as he shut the door.

Obviously he was doing a lot better than me, my instinct wasn’t working well or wasn’t working at all.

Saturdays were fun being the only day we could be together, I like my girl but sometimes you need a while to be alone with your special one but that Saturday was horrible cos I had no special one at home, I thought of a few things we would do together, then went on cleaning the place and doing the laundry, I had no genie at home!

********************

I was a bit late for my second date and took me longer than usual to find a parking lot, when I went inside it was 20 to 8. Nobody was outside so she couldn’t be standing outside checking me again.

It was a casual place but being a jealous creature I decided to wear a suit like him. I usually don’t wear any cos I don’t feel comfortable and the last time I wore that suit was in the party me & Ace had, our sorta-wedding-party when we exchanged our rings, all my memories had something about him, it was like I couldn’t get anywhere close to being straight.

“Nate!”

I turned my head and there she was in a tight black dress, I’m not good at describing women’s clothing, but she looked good a lot better than the previous night or I didn’t have enough light last night to see her clearly.

I moved to her table, paused for a few seconds deciding whether to sit by her or in front of her, instinct again, I sat right in front of her.

“Sorry late, I was parking my car, so what are we gonna eat?” I pointed to the menu.

-”I thought this time you were waiting outside and just watching….. you choose”  I took a quick look at the menu, not having a proper lunch I wanted to give a big surprise to my stomach.

“this [STEAMED MUSSELS with LAGER, OLD BAY & TOMATO], this [MOROCCAN STEW (CHICKEN, BEEF & LAMB) with PEANUTS & COUSCOUS] and this [CHEESE & GRAVY FRITES (POUTINE)]  ” I tried to choose the best.

-”you wanna eat them all together?”

” I guess so.”

-” sorry to say this but you look too thin to eat all this stuff”

“ok, I got with the second two, no soup, fine?” she agreed and I ordered.

It took a while to get busy eating and doing nothing than staring at other couples and trying to figure out how to behave normal.

She was right,  I started playing with my food after a while and waiting for her to finish and it seemed she was enjoying her meal.

-”If I wanted to dance, where would you take me?” she asked suddenly.

“what?”

-”last night you asked about dancing, where did you wanna go.”

she was right but it was one random thing I said the other night, I couldn’t think of any place beside Roxy and those gone there know pretty well it’s not a place for a straight couple.

“hhhmmm nowhere, just the thought popped out.”

she shook her head and went on eating. I was pretty bored with the whole stuff, I could have gone a lot further if she was someone my kind.

Intentionally I hit my knee against her, I had to do something to entertain myself.

“oh, sorry”  I tried to pretend it was just an accident.

-”it’s ok.”

at last she finished eating, I could easily say she was overweight when she enjoyed food that much, food to me is just a way of keeping my body alive.  I paid the bill and it seemed the date was over.

“can we walk a bit?”

-”burning the calories you didn’t get?”

“whatever, seems like a nice starry night”

-” I cant stay much longer but a few steps would be fine”

I put my hands in my pockets and walked as quickly as always.

-”wait a second, it’s not romantic too run “

I stopped and noticed the distance between me and her. I waited for her to reach. I’ve been rushing my life in the last few months I couldn’t walk slowly. With Ace, we were either running or walking quickly, walking hand in hand in slow motion is not what you can do easily in public.

I offered her my arm “pinch me when i walk too fast”

she hesitated before putting her arm round mine.

I focused on my steps and she said nothing for a while.

-”when did you get divorce?”

“it’s been pretty long we lived separately but  for the papers, I got them last week.”

I listened to her steps trying to walk at a steady pace the same as hers.

-”your wife has the custody?”

” I don’t have a wife and no, she stays with her mom on Saturdays”

-” do you still love her?”

I stopped walking and let go of her arm, it was like she had a whole day thinking about me and then she was trying to get as much as information she could. It wasn’t really relevant to her if I loved my ex or not, she was there to make me feel like a man, a man drooling over women.

-” Ya ok?”

“I guess, but this is not one romantic walk.” I tried to act as if I didn’t care.

She grabbed my arm again and pulled me, we were walking again, this time I could feel her leg brushing against mine every now and then.

I was walking her to my car and when we got close she knew it wasn’t just a random direction.

I looked for my car keys inside my pocket while she was holding my hand.

“shall we go?” I asked but didn’t wait for her answer. She got inside quickly.

I pretty knew where to go, I stopped where she asked the previous night.

-”turn to the left and stop by that white building, the second one from the other end.”

I smiled and did as she asked.

She opened the door to go.

“can we meet tomorrow?” I was beginning to enjoy her.

-”why don’t you come upstairs?”

“yeah sure?”

she nodded and left the car, I locked it and followed her. The place looked a lot better than what I owned.

She took the stairs and I followed her as she opened a door and invited me inside.

The place looked nice and welcoming. I found one comfy sofa and pretty jumped on it.

It was a good place for watching tv, but there was no tv in that room.

-”coffee?”

“I’d rather have some water.”

And she disappeared in the kitchen…….

day one: Looking for a girl

Though it wasn’t a new feeling, I felt so different all night knowing he was in the same place as me and we had no argument, then why the hell we weren’t sleeping together?

I listened carefully to all the movements, breaths, sounds around me, nothing worth my attention. I waited another 30 minutes so he could have plenty of time to make breakfast like other days, and it could be another day if we forgot our promises.

I stayed in the bathroom a little longer so he could join me to have his own leak, he didn’t come. The day was getting really annoying. I got dressed and went to the kitchen to have my quick breakfast and rush to work cos I couldn’t waste any more time pretending to do something I wasn’t doing.

“Hi….” I swallowed my words, we were supposed to be just room-mates and room-mates never call each other honey, baby…..

“Hey, you’re a bit late, ain’t you?” he tried his best to show nothing as if it was the most casual thing to ask.

I took all my coffee in one breath, grabbed a piece of toast and ran to the door, ” Give her a bath round 10, I’ll be home soon.” I opened the door while trying to tie my laces “and don’t let her scratch those little spots, k?”

“ok, she’ll be fine.” he waved me goodbye and I ran down to get to work as fast as possible.

There was pile of work waiting for me that could keep me busy for whole day. Some co-workers stopped to ask about her status and I answered them all the same, she was fine and I knew she was enjoying herself playing with her uncle and messing the place. I checked all the on-line places I could, it wasn’t fair, he had more time to look for someone while I had to work, I commented on any profile that looked a bit tolerable, it was easier to find someone in chatrooms but living in the same city at least wasnt easy to find.

By noon I was half way through the must-be-done tasks, checked as many as profiles I could, stopped by a few hot guys, commented but never pressed the send button.

The afternoon looked very dull, no call during lunch time, no kiss on the way out, no touch all night, I couldnt wait to see him in the evening.

on the way home I got a message from him, he’d found someone to go out with the coming day, fuck him he had more time, but I wasn’t going to let him win.

I changed quickly, played a little while with the tired sleepy baby, gave her dinner, a little more playing and bedtime story and by 8.30 she was sleeping soundly in her bed. And it was time to surf. he looked satisfied feeling proud of himself but I wouldnt let him enjoy his success for long, I still had all night, even the next morning.

By 11 I felt so sleepy, he came to check for the last time, giving me one his killing smiles I wouldnt let him get away with it if we hadn’t promised.

I couldn’t stay on much longer, I checked my mail for the last time, closing all pages when I noticed an IM, it was sent 10 minutes ago and I hadn’t noticed it. I pressed “buzz” and typed hi and waited, but there was no answer. probably that one was sleeping.

I could look for someone the next time and there she came.

little a: still there?

me: yep, was going to bed actually.

little a: (inserting the thinking emoticion)

me: asl,plz

little a: 20,f, roxbury  & u?

me: 27, m,….. (you don’t want to know where I live dear reader, do you?)

then I felt blank, I was sleepy and I wanted to go to bed.

little a: so?

me: u know it’s late, so let’s be frank, I’m lookin fr sb to go out with

little a:  check ur profile first

me: k, i’ll do urs.

it took her pretty long to reply and i found nothing interesting in her profile than a picture of a cat.

me: still there?

little a: yeah

me: can we meet?

little a: when?

me:tomorrow

afternoon

another long pause again

me: here’s my number, call me tomorrow if you were interested. (000-1111)

she signed out without even saying another thing, we didnt ask for names and I went to bed.

The next morning he still looked like a proud bitch and I ignored him. I left without having anything but I called him later to tell him my ex was going to pick her baby up some time in the afternoon.

It was another busy day I hardly found some time to check mails and there was nothing. there was a boring meeting to be attended, a few papers must be signed and then I could have my lunch.

by 12 I was starving, I went to my desk to take my wallet and get myself a sandwich when a friend called me, “someone called you twice while you were out.”

“who was it?”

“no idea, she didn’t let me ask”

“have a her number?”

“yeah, look at your monitor”

I grabbed the note and went out to fill my empty stomach. On the way back to office I stopped by a phone box, and dialed that number.

me:”hello”

voice:” hello”

*****

me:” you called me twice, who’re you?”

voice:” you gave me your number last night.”

me:” oh yeah, I forgot. sorry I was busy. I thought you weren’t interested.”

long pause

me:” can we meet?”

voice:” where?”

I had no idea, I had to think of somewhere near her.

me:”what about A K’s?”

voice:”fine, when?”

I need some time to go home, dress my baby and wait for her mom to pick her up.

me:”6.30 or 7?”

voice:”7″

me:”I’ll be wearing boots, jeans, a black pullover and red sox cap, fine?”

voice:”I’ll be there.”

me:” and what’s you name?”

voice:” Ann, you?”

me:”Nate, see you then.”

And I found someone to go out with, I texted him right away.