Waking up this morning I wasn’t in the greatest of moods (manic it would be, right?) but at least I was happy and I felt happier seeing Ewe’s comments.
I really don’t know this guy but our meeting was one of those kind you start fighting someone without knowing them and probably you realize you were both wrong. Actually somehow I have the need to know this guy, it’s a need not lust not desire it’s my need to know more people and that’s it.
Last night I read his pretty long comment on Jay’s post and thought “WTF! this guy is not as bad as I thought and I was just letting stupid thoughts cover my own senses, shit I’m always using my heart when deciding than letting my mind do the decision.”
I made a mental note to add a “thank you” comment to Jay’s blog, I simply forgot cos I got carried away with my own thoughts worrying about things that was none of my business or it is but not as much as I think and it’s surely something I will blog about soon (I’m pretty done with half of it but I’m not in the mood to finish it.)
The thing is I have to accept a few things like
"Stop being so damn sensitive. You need to start thinking more highly of yourself. Don't let anyones comments, mine or otherwise. make your mood swing you into a spiraling depression and more importantly my comments would not effect you at all unless you believed them. So why do you believe it? I hope today is a beautiful one for you."
Ace been telling me pretty the same thing most of the night, when I was acting like a baby telling him I wanted things that I really don’t need and he was giving me numbers and very reasonable numbers for sure just to show me it would be a waste of money but he would give up if I wanted it that bad.
How silly it was when we were talking about such stupid things at 2 am in the morning.
I have to get a grip and stop running away, Ace is right I can do many things if I start believing myself. Life is like a climbing route, I’m not fucking brilliant for sure but I know I have a good style, I use my brain to choose my moves than using my strength cos I could never trust my legs, they keep disappointing me. I go smooth, move smooth doing all the right choices and then I look down and there comes the fucking thought of “I can’t do it”. And I start telling myself I cant do it till I lose my grip and fall. I don’t know what frightens me, I know it’s not the height and it’s not the fucking safety cos I’m pretty reckless, I’m afraid of failing to top the route, I’m afraid of showing what I am made of, I’m afraid of proving the things I can do and I’m afraid to use my sixth sense and been carried away.
So here I am, standing in the middle of the rock and shouting to let me descend cos I think I cant reach the top when I can and I just let myself fall and swing and swing, just making sure I will swing a few more times before hitting the ground. I’m bruised and I don’t fucking care, I just think I’m a fucking failure cos even the weakest member of the team did better than me. So I quit, I run away and hide and let the world laugh at me and I find people to tell me what a loser I am, I need you to approve me I can never do better and it’s much better to just get lost.
27 years and it’s enough, I have run so long that there is no energy left in me so I wanna stay and fight, I wanna prove I can be a lot better than you cos you are nothing, you have no right to tell me all those silly thoughts are fine and true, just shut up and let me breathe cos I don’t wanna be a fucking loony like my mom who let the world pity on her and make her feel more miserable, I don’t wanna stand still like her and put my fingers in my ears so I cant hear my problems and just drown in the never ending depression and I don’t want to run away anymore, I want to stand and fight and I will fight till I get what I deserve. I’m fucking tired of all these people and they wrong attitude, I’m hell better than all of them.
So I’m fine with what I am but not satisfied, let’s not just move on, let’s solve the problems and move on or they keep coming back in bigger dimensions.
