*. this is not a story, this is just me clearing my mind and get rid of some old memories

I really had enough of all the shit surrounding me, Ok I accept I’m one lucky proud guy who’s not thankful to anyone and anything but wtf, that’s me.
I’m tired of all this headache, I have tried as many pills I could think of but nothing got better.
I have this not very pleasant pain in each and every particle making my body and I really don’t know how to start.
There’s this fact I can’t deny, you attract people of your own kind. So having plenty of jerkass friends in my life means definitely I’m one of them.

I have no idea where to start but I really need it off my chest.
I never had many girlfriends, thinking more carefully I can say there was just one I truly loved and we lived together for a good 5-6 years beside knowing each other for more than 8 years. For the boyfriend part, I had plenty I really loved but all of ‘em(except one) were real assholes or better say we were just fuck buddies, nothing really nice when you want to love someone and expect him to love you pretty the same way.
Now that I look back I see it wasn’t all their fault when I wasn’t this gentleman myself. I could never be Mr. right for anyone when I pretty tried many things. I used to blame everything on having bipolar disorder but to be fair I enjoyed that life, I enjoyed doing not very pleasant things and I was never monogamous so all I can say is that I was a lucky bitch, it’s a miracle I have no STD.
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I attempted suicide 4 times that means I’m no big fan of living a long life, my worst nightmare was celebrating my 25th birthday that I did and since then I pretty gave up trying to end my life, so I decided to change. I cant say I was successful but at least I tried, I tried many things like learning about other religions, trying to love others no matter what color they are, giving up any addiction and having a straight family of my own.
The results wasn’t what I expected. I’m not atheist but I don’t follow any religion unfortunately and there’s this very big gap in my soul I can’t fill. I still don’t like Asians, Africans and Afro-Americans but I’m a big fan of people living in North pole.
The one thing I never truly tried to change was my attraction to guys. Surely I lied a lot but I never denied how I felt about other guys. I dunno, probably if I accepted the reality and stopped trying to be bisexual, things could be better.
Fortunately or unfortunately I married a woman, the only woman I thought I loved beside my own family. Honestly I don’t know why we did it cos she knew I wouldn’t change and I didn’t want to have a monogamous life with her. she was a very good friend but sex was always boring we pretty avoid it as much as we could and I wanted to find a Mr. Right.
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3 years ago I could imagine my own funeral but having a baby girl and trying to be her dad were things I never thought of.
I dunno insisting to have her custody was the right thing to do but her mom didn’t want her since the time I decided to see my own baby and be her dad. (For the first 6 months of her life, I hated her so much the only thing that could make me happy was her death and ridiculously I prayed for that, thanks hell nobody listened to me!)
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I tried really hard not to judge my ex, not to hate her, not to bitch about her but I really cant do it anymore. I risked his love to bring my baby’s mom back to her life and now I can see why he hates her so much, he has very good reasons.
I hadn’t talked to her for a long time but I needed to tell her how much she was missed in the little girl’s life and how sad she looks seeing other babies having their moms around so i called her again and again till she answered. It was really short but she said whatever she wanted in a 5-page letter neatly written and scanned.
it’s so silly but I’m not feeling angry anymore.
hhhhhmmmm it’s hard to say but she was never the normal mom worrying about her baby when she’s sick, hungry…., she always wanted her to act like grown-ups telling me I spoil her, I didn’t and I can say she’s more mature then me in many ways.
I think for the first time in my life I have to retreat and accept that she cant have a mom like many other kids. I wont tell her that her mom never wanted her and I wait till she’s old enough to realize it herself. The thing that I really cant understand is the obvious paradox in what she said and what she did. As much as I want to say lots of bad things about her, I cant, I dunno why, may be I still love her as a good friend who knows.
Whatever I keep my mouth shut and say nothing, at least I’m feeling a lot better now.
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As he said last night, for the first time since we fell in love I want to let him decide cos I really don’t want to have arguments like the one we had last night or our neighbors will really call the police next time.
I got our passports yesterday but I’m gonna cancel the booked tickets and put all my energy on selling our home and saving money.
I dunno whether I’m too extravagant or he’s too stingy or something else, he thinks having a bigger home in a more proper location is more important than an expensive honeymoon, besides my ex’s lawyer contacted me and told me she wanted to give my apartment back (sorta feeling guilty I guess or my parents scared her in her dreams :-p).
So I let him decide this time after he promised to give me some money for a honeymoon even without him!
I dunno if I’m doing the right thing or not, I hope I do.
I really want to forget my ex and start a new life with him and baby girl, having two dads can be fun.
He suggested going back to Alaska for a little fun after finishing my project, I think I can finish it today so probably with a good luck and finding tickets we’ll spend the coming days in the land of ice and snow.
Spending all last night looking at albums, crying and burning photos, I think I miss there a bit besides I never had time to see his little hut and I think it’s time to see his place.
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4.5.06 I married the mother of my lovely baby girl, it was a life of its own with its experiences and lessons.
4.5.08 I’m still married but to someone I truly love. The more I think, the more I want to spend tomorrow feeling miserable in a plane than thinking about 2 years ago.
sometimes we have to bury old memories and move on, I guess at last I managed to do that (a bit).