Missing parts of my puzzle

*. this is not a story, this is just me clearing my mind and get rid of some old memories

I really had enough of all the shit surrounding me, Ok I accept I’m one lucky proud guy who’s not thankful to anyone and anything but wtf, that’s me.
I’m tired of all this headache, I have tried as many pills I could think of but nothing got better.
I have this not very pleasant pain in each and every particle making my body and I really don’t know how to start.
There’s this fact I can’t deny, you attract people of your own kind. So having plenty of jerkass friends in my life means definitely I’m one of them.

I have no idea where to start but I really need it off my chest.
I never had many girlfriends, thinking more carefully I can say there was just one I truly loved and we lived together for a good 5-6 years beside knowing each other for more than 8 years. For the boyfriend part, I had plenty I really loved but all of ‘em(except one) were real assholes or better say we were just fuck buddies, nothing really nice when you want to love someone and expect him to love you pretty the same way.
Now that I look back I see it wasn’t all their fault when I wasn’t this gentleman myself. I could never be Mr. right for anyone when I pretty tried many things. I used to blame everything on having bipolar disorder but to be fair I enjoyed that life, I enjoyed doing not very pleasant things and I was never monogamous so all I can say is that I was a lucky bitch, it’s a miracle I have no STD.
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I attempted suicide 4 times that means I’m no big fan of living a long life, my worst nightmare was celebrating my 25th birthday that I did and since then I pretty gave up trying to end my life, so I decided to change. I cant say I was successful but at least I tried, I tried many things like learning about other religions, trying to love others no matter what color they are, giving up any addiction and having a straight family of my own.
The results wasn’t what I expected. I’m not atheist but I don’t follow any religion unfortunately and there’s this very big gap in my soul I can’t fill. I still don’t like Asians, Africans and Afro-Americans but I’m a big fan of people living in North pole.
The one thing I never truly tried to change was my attraction to guys. Surely I lied a lot but I never denied how I felt about other guys. I dunno, probably if I accepted the reality and stopped trying to be bisexual, things could be better.
Fortunately or unfortunately I married a woman, the only woman I thought I loved beside my own family. Honestly I don’t know why we did it cos she knew I wouldn’t change and I didn’t want to have a monogamous life with her. she was a very good friend but sex was always boring we pretty avoid it as much as we could and I wanted to find a Mr. Right.
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3 years ago I could imagine my own funeral but having a baby girl and trying to be her dad were things I never thought of.
I dunno insisting to have her custody was the right thing to do but her mom didn’t want her since the time I decided to see my own baby and be her dad. (For the first 6 months of her life, I hated her so much the only thing that could make me happy was her death and ridiculously I prayed for that, thanks hell nobody listened to me!)
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I tried really hard not to judge my ex, not to hate her, not to bitch about her but I really cant do it anymore. I risked his love to bring my baby’s mom back to her life and now I can see why he hates her so much, he has very good reasons.
I hadn’t talked to her for a long time but I needed to tell her how much she was missed in the little girl’s life and how sad she looks seeing other babies having their moms around so i called her again and again till she answered. It was really short but she said whatever she wanted in a 5-page letter neatly written and scanned.
it’s so silly but I’m not feeling angry anymore.
hhhhhmmmm it’s hard to say but she was never the normal mom worrying about her baby when she’s sick, hungry…., she always wanted her to act like grown-ups telling me I spoil her, I didn’t and I can say she’s more mature then me in many ways.
I think for the first time in my life I have to retreat and accept that she cant have a mom like many other kids. I wont tell her that her mom never wanted her and I wait till she’s old enough to realize it herself. The thing that I really cant understand is the obvious paradox in what she said and what she did. As much as I want to say lots of bad things about her, I cant, I dunno why, may be I still love her as a good friend who knows.
Whatever I keep my mouth shut and say nothing, at least I’m feeling a lot better now.
……………………………….
As he said last night, for the first time since we fell in love I want to let him decide cos I really don’t want to have arguments like the one we had last night or our neighbors will really call the police next time.
I got our passports yesterday but I’m gonna cancel the booked tickets and put all my energy on selling our home and saving money.
I dunno whether I’m too extravagant or he’s too stingy or something else, he thinks having a bigger home in a more proper location is more important than an expensive honeymoon, besides my ex’s lawyer contacted me and told me she wanted to give my apartment back (sorta feeling guilty I guess or my parents scared her in her dreams :-p).
So I let him decide this time after he promised to give me some money for a honeymoon even without him!
I dunno if I’m doing the right thing or not, I hope I do.
I really want to forget my ex and start a new life with him and baby girl, having two dads can be fun.
He suggested going back to Alaska for a little fun after finishing my project, I think I can finish it today so probably with a good luck and finding tickets we’ll spend the coming days in the land of ice and snow.
Spending all last night looking at albums, crying and burning photos, I think I miss there a bit besides I never had time to see his little hut and I think it’s time to see his place.
………………………………….
4.5.06 I married the mother of my lovely baby girl, it was a life of its own with its experiences and lessons.
4.5.08 I’m still married but to someone I truly love. The more I think, the more I want to spend tomorrow feeling miserable in a plane than thinking about 2 years ago.
sometimes we have to bury old memories and move on, I guess at last I managed to do that (a bit).

I never stop loving you

read part 1

Noah opened his lips allowing Zach to push his tongue between them and dance with his own. Zach could feel Noah’s hot tears trickling down between their cheeks as he brought his hands up to cup each side of Noah’s head, holding him as if he were the last precious drink of water in an arid wasteland. Noah snaked his arms around Zach’s torso, feeling every curve of his body and pulling him in tighter. They stayed like this for what seemed like an eternity, neither wanting to give up what they had desired for so long.
Finally breaking apart to breathe, Zach stepped back from Noah. “I love you.” He smiled into Noah’s face.
“Yeah I know. I was just testing you,” said Noah, his blush giving him away.
“Oh really,” said Zach looking amused ,“Can I ask you a question? It’s about something you said in the locker room today.”
“What?” asked Noah looking at Zach questioningly as he dropped down on to the couch pulling Zach down with him.
“Do you dream about me?” Zach said looking inquisitively at Noah.
Noah blushed instantly, his cheeks turning bright red. “Maybe.” He said.
“What kind of dreams?” asked Zach a devilish smile playing across his lips.
“Just dreams,” squeaked Noah aware of Zach’s hand sliding up his thigh.
“Do you wake up from these dreams with wet sheets?” asked Zach turning on to his side.
“Sometimes.” Noah breathed.
“Only sometimes?”
“Sometimes I wake up before…you know. And I have to… you know.” Noah said, unsure at where his sudden nervous demeanor had come from.
“Do you touch yourself Noah?” Zach asked his smile returning.
“Yes, Yes I do.” Noah groaned.
Zach rolled over so he was straddling Noah on the couch. Their groins pressed together as Zach began to rock slowly back and forth.
“Tell me what happens in you dreams.” Zach whispered into Noah’s ear, licking the ridge of Noah’s ear lobe.
“Your hands. Over my body.” Noah grunted.
Zach began to glide his hands up under Noah’s sweatshirt over his torso, stopping to massage his thumbs into Noah’s erect nipples. With Noah’s help he removed his shirt and began massaging his firm biceps. Running his fingertips up the sensitive skin behind Noah’s ears and tangling his fingers in his dirty blonde hair.
“Then what happens?” Zach whispered his face buried in the crook of Noah’s neck.
“You…you…kiss my neck and my chest.” Noah breathed, praying he wasn’t about to wake up.
Zach smiled into Noah’s shoulder and brought his head up to kiss Noah ever so softly on the lips, not allowing Noah’s eager tongue to enter his mouth as he moved on placing soft butterfly kisses along Noah’s jaw line and down his neck. Until he came to the join of Noah’s neck and shoulder. Zach opened his mouth barely and allowed his tongue to dart out and taste salty skin. Opening his mouth wider he kissed Noah’s neck deeper allowing his teeth to softly graze the skin. Noah let out a low deep growling moan that rumbled through his chest.
“You like that?” Zach whispered smiling down at Noah.
“Please don’t stop.” Noah moaned.
“Never baby, I’ll never stop.” Zach whispered, shifting himself further down Noah’s body so his face was level with Noah’s pecs and began placing soft kisses along the curves of Noah’s muscles, directly avoiding touching his nipples. Noah arched his chest up signaling his desire. Zach grinned, opening his mouth and taking Noah’s nipple between his teeth and sucking hard. Noah let out a sharp breath and placed his hand on the back of Zach’s head. Zach did the same to the other nipple before bringing his face back up level with Noah’s.
“Tell me what happens next,” said Zach.
“Let me show you.” whispered Noah. And before Zach could respond, Noah locked his thighs around Zach and rolled them both off the couch onto the carpet.
Zach struggled to take back control but was surprised at the strength with which Noah held him down.
“Uh uh. My turn now.” Grinned Noah nervously.
“We no longer have a need for this,” said Noah ripping open Zach’s shirt, buttons flying everywhere.
“Whoah, there’s the Noah I know and love,” said Zach smiling up at the sexy confident man above him.
“Or these,” said Noah pulling Zach’s jeans down in one swift motion. “These might have to go as well.” Noah muttered under his breath as he curled his fingers under the fabric of Zach’s tight cotton shorts and pulled them down over his knees. “Wow dude, you truly are a god,” said Noah looking down at the naked form of Zach.
His body was magnificent, long muscular arms stretching out from incredibly broad shoulders and the most amazing torso, leading down in a v-shape to his golden hips. Proudly standing up between his legs was his smooth 8-inch cock, not too thick but thick enough to make Noah realise he would be feeling it the next day. Ironically he was the man of Noah’s dreams.
Zach squirmed beneath Noah. “Let me help you with these.” He said his palms running up to the waistband of Noah’s pants.
“Soon enough, I haven’t had my fun yet.” Noah said, pushing Zach’s hands away.
He bent and kissed Zach passionately on the lips, unable to get enough of him. Pulling away he lunged at Zach’s neck sucking hard enough to raise a bruise. Continuing down Zach’s torso with a trail of soft kisses until he came to his hips.
Sitting further back on Zach’s legs Noah began to trail his fingertips in a curve from beneath Zach’s belly button around to the sensitive inside of his legs. Noah lowered himself down so his head was between Zach’s legs. Reaching out he took Zach’s rod in his hand and held the throbbing member back against his taught stomach. Noah breathed in the musky smell of Zach’s arousal as he opened his mouth and placed his tongue right at the base of Zach’s cock he drew a line of saliva up the entire length. Zach let out an audible groan. Noah avoided directly touching the head as he traced a line around the diameter of Zach’s pole. Noah leaned back slightly and softly blew over the wet skin.
“Holy shit, where did you learn to do that?” Zach gasped, curling his fingers into the thick carpet. It felt like someone had run an icy blade up the length of his cock.
“Dreams of you dude, dreams of you.” Grinned Noah.
Noah repeated the same process over Zach’s hairless balls, enjoying the groans he was eliciting from the older man.
“Noah please, I can’t stand it anymore.” Panted Zach after Noah had dragged his tongue along every piece of sensitive skin between his legs except for his cock.
The helplessness in Zach’s voice pushed Noah over the edge. He couldn’t withstand the pleasure it gave him to be able to bring a man like Zach to begging for release. Before Zach could even think, he felt Noah’s hot lips sink down over his shaft. Zach fully expected Noah to stop halfway and couldn’t quite believe it when he felt the head of his cock pass through the opening to Noah’s throat and Noah’s lips come to rest at his base.
“Oh Fuck! Holy Shit! No one has ever…”Zach trailed off.
Noah put as much suction as he could around Zach as he pulled himself back up. Delicately he dragged his tongue across Zach’s pee slit, tasting the pre-cum before impaling himself upon Zach again. This time he began a slow rise and decent.
“Mmmmm… Mmmmm… Mmmmm… Mmmmm… Mmmmm…”
“Oooh Oooh…Oooh Oooh…Oooh Oooh… Oooh Oooh…Oooh Oooh…”
“Uuuuuh… Uuuuuh… Uuuuuh… Uuuuuh… Uuuuuh…”
Zach moaned loudly as Noah licked and sucked him until he was on the brink of madness. Every time Zach threatened to blow, Noah would stop just long enough for Zach to regain self-control then begin orally assaulting him again.
As Zach’s moans increased in frequency and volume Noah found it increasingly harder to control his own need for release.
“Zach?” Noah panted.
“Uuuuuh. Yeah?”
“I need you. Please.” Noah whispered.
Zach pulled himself up the best he could and stood on wobbly legs, reaching a hand out he pulled Noah up into his arms. They helped each other down the hallway, bumping into bits of furniture as Zach blindly kissed Noah while helping to remove his pants.
“You’re so hot!” Noah growled as he stumbled out of them. His hands running in circles over Zach’s shoulder blades.
“Right back at you babe.” Zach breathed as they both fell through the door to Zach’s bedroom.
Zach reluctantly drew himself away from Noah and pushed him back on to the bed, Noah pulled himself on further as Zach climbed on top of him. Zach locked fingers with Noah squeezing his hands as they began to kiss passionately, Noah’s legs wrapping themselves around Zach’s waist as he began to grind himself into Noah.
“Zach. Fuck. Me.” said Noah between mouthfuls of his lips and tongue.
Zach let go of Noah’s hands and leaned back from their kiss. He reached over to the bedside table and opened the second draw, pulling out a small bottle.
“Damn it, I’m out of lube.” He said throwing the empty bottle at the floor.
“I don’t care. Fuck me dry, I need you Zach.” Noah said sliding his underwear off and opening his legs for Zach.
Zach stared at Noah’s beautiful cock, it wasn’t quite as long as his own but it definitely wasn’t small either. He could see Noah’s rosebud peaking out from between his spread cheeks and he knew taking Noah dry would hurt him.
Before Zach could think about his idea twice he had pulled Noah’s thighs up over his shoulders and had buried his face between his cheeks. His tongue found Noah’s sweet smelling rosebud and dove in as far as it could go.
“Ooooh Uhh dude, where on earth did you come from?” Noah said his eyes rolling back in his head.
Zach slid a finger into Noah’s tight hole next to his tongue, trying to make Noah as wet as he could. When he had lubed Noah up as much as he could he let him down from his shoulders, bending Noah’s legs at the knees and spreading them apart.
Zach placed the head of his cock at Noah’s opening spreading the pre-cum, which was steadily dripping from his own cock, over Noah’s hole. He then pushed his head into Noah slowly, eliciting a groan from both of them. Slowly he pushed another couple of inches before allowing Noah to adjust. He rocked back out before pushing more of himself into Noah. When he had about 7 inches of his cock buried in Noah’s ass he began to thrust steadily, controlling himself so as to not push in more than Noah could handle.
“Oooh yeah, you’re holding out on me Zach. I’ll be okay, oooooohhh, my throat isn’t the only part off me that uhuhuh… can take all of you. I promise.” Panted Noah looking into his face.
Noah allowed himself to relax as much as possible as he felt Zach fill him.
Nobody had ever been able to accommodate the entirety of Zach and the feeling of his whole dick buried inside Noah was incredible. He began to thrust faster, all sense of control gone.
Noah began to grunt louder and louder as Zach thrust into him.
“Harder, Zach. Fuck me harder.” Noah shouted.
Zach slammed himself into Noah, pulling himself almost all the way out before ramming back in.
“Noah, open your eyes. I want you to see what you do to me.” Zach panted feeling himself reaching the edge. “This is all because of you baby.”
Noah opened his eyes and watched Zack’s expression of ecstasy as he fucked him.
“I love you Noah, this is what you do to me. I love you so much.” Zach shouted never taking his eyes away from Noah’s.
“Cum in me Zach” Noah whispered up into the face of his lover. “I love you Zach, I love you.”
“Uuuuh! Oooh. Oooh. Yes, yes, yes. I’m cumming. I’m Cumming!” Zach screamed never breaking Noah’s gaze as he thrust one final time into him before his whole body shook violently as he released his stream of cum deep into Noah’s bowels.
Noah orgasmed almost simultaneously with Zach, his cock shooting pints of semen on to Zach’s stomach and chest. Noah’s rectal muscles pulsed around Zach’s cock milking every last drop of cum from the larger man.
Zach collapsed onto Noah with one final groan, every ounce of his body tingling with exhaustion. Noah breathed in the scent of Zach as he rested his head on Noah’s chest, the weight of Zach on top of him a comforting presence. Zach slowly drifted into sleep the sound of Noah’s heart beating in his ears, his chest slowly falling into a constant breathing rhythm.
“I’ll never stop Noah; I’ll never stop loving you.” He whispered as consciousness fell away into sleep.